Archives for Personal Therapy

Divorce

Why Depression is So Difficult

I'm not naive enough (at least I don't think?) to think that I have the one reason that depression is such a difficult state of being. Depression has a different root for everyone -- and it's often a collection of sources, rather than just one thing contributing to depression.

That being said, there is an overarching theme that I see with how people who are in depressive states experience depression, versus how people who are not in depressive states feel about depression.

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Divorce

Relationships: Breaking It, and Putting It Back Together?

Taking things apart can be such fun. It's a behavior often observed in children as they sit on the floor, building blocks, doing puzzles, etc., just to then turn around and destroy it, and then start over again. Or sometimes, it's taking apart household items and then attempting to restore them.

Either way, this isn't only seen in children. Adults can also possess the drive to create, destroy, re-create, and so on. This can be in more obvious ways (and not all enactments of this process are 'unhealthy'), such as updating and re-updating a home, or having strings of relationships in which each new partner seems good at first, but then becomes expendable in favor of the newer, theoretically upgraded version of the last.

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Divorce

Are You Becoming Your Parents?

It's one of the most subtle, underlying questions that I hear in various forms nearly every day in my office. Some version of, "Am I going to become like my parents?", or "Please don't let me turn into my parents."

Some people believe that they are doomed to the fate of carrying on their parents worst qualities, while others try their hardest to be as different from their parents and their parents' values as possible with the hope of drowning out any possible identification with their parents.

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Divorce

The REAL Reason Relationships Break Up

A while back, I wrote an article about why relationships break up.  Though that article still stands, there are certainly things that could be added to it. 

Why do relationships actually break up?

In another previous article, I discussed what causes attraction. In short, we as people tend to cut-off parts of ourselves that are unsafe or threatening in some way. For example, if we figured out when growing up that we would be scolded for being open and free-spirited in certain ways, it's possible we may become more reserved and close-off.

What tends to happen with attraction is that we subconsciously find people both who remind us of "home" (family environment), emotionally, while also bringing in those previously cut-off parts of ourselves that we unconsciously crave. So if the closed-off person finds someone who is free-spirited, that's often an attractor because the person has learned that it's too risky to experience free-spirited feelings inside, and is now able to live out the free-spirited feelings externally, through another person.

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Family

“How Does That Make You Feel?” — The Therapy Cliche

People love to make fun of the stereotyped therapy party line: "How does that make you feel?" Yes, it's one of the biggest cliches in the therapy field, however what this question stands for still remains an important piece of psychotherapy.

When people come in for therapy, it's generally because they aren't happy with the way they are feeling, in one way or another. Whether it's about relationships, depression, anxiety, stress, jobs, career, or any other areas of life, the reasons people start therapy is both to help the concrete, external situations, but overall it's how these situations makes someone feel that matters most. Basically, if you're feeling good about something, then you probably wouldn't seek emotional help with it.

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Divorce

The Value of Therapy: Opening the Past…to Create Change and Happiness in the Present

It can be difficult to appreciate who we are. There's so much each of us has to offer to each other, and so much to offer the world. It would be nice if everyone could look at themselves and realize the power they possess within themselves.

Unfortunately, it isn't so easy. We feel the pain, hurt, and rejection  more than we feel the happiness, satisfaction, achievements, general positives, and so on. As a result, we end up with depression, anxiety, addiction, repeated unhealthy relationships, and more.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could just let the negatives roll off of our backs, rather than holding onto them to the point of emotional injury? Obviously, it's not a conscious decision. We don't desire to hold onto the negatives, but when the hits are painful and repeated, eventually we're going to get hurt. I imagine it more along the lines of rug burn. At first, it's not such a big deal, but if you experience it repeatedly, it becomes raw and painful.

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Divorce

8 Ways to Be a Better Partner in 2014

As the new year approaches, people often take the opportunity to re-evaluate who they are and consider the changes they'd like to make in their lives. This is something people would benefit from doing the whole year round -- reflecting on the choices we make, the way we treat others and ourselves, our commitment to self-care, etc.

One of the mistakes people often make in their relationships is attempting to change their partner. Eventually, they end up realizing that the more they push their partner to change, the more resistant their partner becomes to changing in the direction they were hoping to see. One of the secrets of a successful relationship is for each partner to continue to improve themselves, both as a person and as a partner. If each person does their due diligence to be a good partner, the relationship takes care of itself. You each focus on taking care of each other in the relationship, rather than worrying about how the other should take care of you.

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Divorce

How to Change a Struggling Relationship Into a Healthy Relationship

This is the "part 2" to the article "10 Signs You May Be in an Unhealthy Relationship".

It was brought to my attention that in the first article I made points of the things to keep an eye on, however I made few suggestions of how to handle those ten points. So this article is to address how to handle the ten signs of an unhealthy relationship that were listed in the previous article.

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General

Self-Relationship: 10 Ways to Create a Happy Moment

No, this isn't meant to be a cure for depression, but we all deserve a good moment. A happy moment can both break a string of negative moods, and it can also pave the way for more positive moments. Here are ten suggestions for putting ourselves in a good mood:

1) Listen to, or watch something funny. Laughter has a way of completely wiping out a negative mood.

2) Compliment people you don't know. It's amazing how a bit of genuine positive energy towards others can in turn make us feels good, too.

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Divorce

Relationships and Social Anxiety: Who Are We Really Hiding From?

People often prefer to believe that it's possible to hide pieces of ourselves that we don't want people to see, often exaggerating certain qualities in order to conceal others:

Some may try to act in an overly nice manner in order to avoid being seen with anger or hostility; some may try to speak with perfect grammar and vocabulary, so they aren't seen as uneducated or immature; some may act more aggressively and tough in order to hide perceived weaknesses, such as caring, empathic, and loving qualities; some may be overly accommodating in order to cover up tendencies toward rigidity; some may try to appear more "businesslike" in an attempt to conceal a less organized and less adult version of themselves; some may show excessive happiness and heightened energy level while trying to prevent people from seeing internal feelings of sadness and emptiness; etc.

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