Communication

Yes, It Is Possible To Avoid Arguments. Part 2



Opening the possibility of avoiding arguments in the face of differing viewpoints has to do with whether the intention of either person is grounded in a commitment to control and dominate, or to create mutual understanding. Put another way, whether it is to connect or to protect. Arguments can be minimized or avoided even if only one of the partners is committed to connection and understanding. What such an outcome requires is a willingness on that partner’s part to:

Continue Reading

Commitment

Yes, It Really Is Possible To Avoid Arguments – Part I


Lots of people have heard that differences are inevitable but conflict is optional. While in our opinion, that is true, the real question has to do with just exactly how we manage to avoid conflict when those differences in our views, beliefs, preferences, and sometimes even values, show up between ourselves and those with whom we are closely connected. Differences are not only certain to be present in our relationship, but they are a necessary factor in what is generally referred to as the “chemistry” that fuels the attraction to those to whom we find ourselves strongly drawn.
Continue Reading

Commitment

The Real Deal about Deal Breakers

And How to Avoid Them.


One of the most frequently asked questions that we get from our readers and students is “What are the deal-breakers in relationships?”  “Deal-breakers” are those behaviors or conditions that one partner is unable or unwilling to tolerate in a relationship. Because “tolerance” is a relative term and subject to everyone’s unique capacity to accept varying degrees of distress or discomfort, there is no generic, one-size-fits-all answer to this question. Because of this, there is no higher authority that we can defer to that legitimatizes our right to refuse to tolerate a specific practice or behavior on the part of our partner, or to sanction our right to continue behaviors that are unacceptable to him or her.
Continue Reading

Attraction

Don’t Underestimate The Value Of Failure

Just ask anyone who's ever succeeded.


As a boy in New Zealand, Edmund Hillary dreamed of becoming a mountain climber and as a young man, he set his sights on Mount Everest, at 29,029 feet, the world’s highest peak, and one that no one had ever successfully summited. His first attempt to conquer Everest in 1951 ended in failure. Defeated, he faced his investors, the London Explorers Club, who had lost all their money.  He stood at the podium in front of a projected picture of Everest and said, "I will defeat you, Everest, because you cannot get any bigger--but I can." Two years later, on his second attempt to defeat Everest, Hillary and his Sherpa guide, Tenzing Norgay, reached the summit of Everest at 11:30 AM on May 29, 1953. The conquest of Everest was announced on the eve of Elizabeth II's coronation, and the new queen knighted Hillary when he returned to Britain. 
Continue Reading

Commitment

Consider These Terms of Engagement Before Having Your Next Argument


 With most couples, it’s not a matter of “if” there is another argument, but “when”. Whether you call it an argument, a difference of opinion, a conflict, a quarrel, a row, a misunderstanding, a squabble, a spat, or any one of a number of other synonyms or euphemisms, almost all couples have them. And those that say they don’t are either in denial, lying, or exceptionally evolved. There are some couples who are each so emotionally intelligent and mature, that they rarely, if ever experience conflict with each other. The other 99.9% of us at least occasionally have to contend with differences in our preferences, personalities, sexual desire levels, taste in movies, food, or politics, as well as in numerous other aspects of life in which we do not share common values or predispositions.
Continue Reading