Men’s figure skating is pretty much inherently queer. It’s a bunch of guys competing to be the absolute best at twirling around on ice, while wearing spandex and sequins.

Physically impressive? Worthy of attention and praise? Definitely. The embodiment of normative heterosexual masculinity? Not so much.

But the world of athletics is notoriously uncomfortable with homosexuality and hints of femininity in men (and often in women), so commentators and many competitors do their best to put a butcher spin on the sport. Much like for gymnastics—figure skating’s summertime cousin in spandex—the narrative of men’s Olympic skating finals focuses as much as possible on masculinized values like technical difficulty and strength, rather than feminized values like grace and beauty. The important people in figure skating are terrified of their sport being seen as too pretty, too girly, and, frankly, too gay. This is why Johnny Weir is a problem.

The Super Bowl, with its bulky men hurling themselves at each other and its scantily clad cheerleaders bouncing on the sidelines, doesn’t seem to be in danger of garnering a reputation as sexually progressive. But as time goes on, it becomes more and more apparent that the sports and entertainment executives responsible for planning and marketing this huge cultural event are deathly afraid of even the smallest hint of sexuality-based controversy, as if the tiniest step away from safe, controllable heterosexuality could bring the biggest game of the year crashing down.

If you were conscious during 2004, you might recall that viewers of that year’s Super Bowl became briefly acquainted with Janet Jackson’s breast. The colossal controversy that ensued, based on the idea that there are few things as potentially scarring as a glimpse of the naked female body, was apparently enough to keep even today’s Super Bowl planners cowering in terror.

Since 2004, here are the acts who have performed at the Super Bowl halftime: Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, Prince, Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band, and The Who.  All male, all over 50, and all decades beyond the height of their musical relevance. Prince, the most sexually suspect of these middle-aged targeting acts, performed covers and less provocative songs like “Purple Rain.” His pants fully covered his backside.

Allowing a woman, a young man, or anyone whose music has the slightest chance of being sexually daring is presumably too much of a risk to take, despite the fact that in previous years, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, No Doubt, and TLC had all performed without causing international controversy. One overblown scandal concerning a female and a young sexual male (Justin Timberlake), and the Super Bowl is unwilling to try again.

Besides halftime, the major non-sports-related Super Bowl topic is the commercials, which people watch and analyze as if they were miniature tv shows. This year, CBS made the questionable decision to break its policy of not selling ad space to political groups by airing a commercial from the controversial conservative organization Focus on the Family. …