“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws?” -Elizabeth Gilbert

Myth #1: If we have fallen out of love, it means we can never get it back.

Far too often in my role as a psychotherapist, I have sat with couples in distress because one of them reports that he or she is no longer “in love”, and therefore must leave the relationship to find a more perfect love with someone else. Or the rejected partner tells the other to go ahead and leave, convinced that love, once lost, cannot be rekindled. How tragic that we have been so filled with images of romantic love that we think of it as something outside of our control. We wait for love, like a giant bird, to descend from some distant landscape and settle in our branches once again.

Myth #2: If we have fallen out of love, it means we married the wrong person.

This destructive myth makes many believe that love, once set into motion, will carry us along through the complexities of life, if only we are lucky enough, or if we choose the right person. Not so, since conflict, disagreement, hardship and misunderstandings are inevitable in every close relationship. To build a strong, lasting relationship, love is better thought of as a verb not a noun. Love is hard work and includes all of the ten keys described in How’s Your Family Really Doing? 10 Keys to a Happy Loving Family. This means learning things like how to listen deeply to one another, how to understand each other’s point of view, how to respect differences, argue constructively, and to forgive each other’s mistakes.

Myth 3#: If the romance and sex have disappeared, we should just accept the inevitable…the spark goes out over time.

If you talk to couples in long-term relationships–and I mean the ones who are still happy to be in them–they will tell you the same thing. Their love was not always a constant, but it was not in steady decline either. Feelings of love ebb and flow, with times of greater intimacy and connection interspersed with times of conflict and struggle.

Marriage does not kill romantic love unless you allow it to.  A relationship is something you have to work at, and when you do, your love will more likely grow, deepen and mature. And as for sex, the vast majority of married couples have sex slightly more than once per week throughout the life of the marriage (more in the early years but still constant over time).

Myth#4: If you find your partner can be difficult or annoying, it means your marriage is in trouble.

Most happily married couples, when asked to be honest, will admit that there are certain things about their partner that drive them crazy. They will also confess that the one person on the planet that can get them the most riled up is–yes, you guessed it–their partner. Although one of the most popular Bible readings at weddings includes the credo that “love is patient, love is kind….it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs,” all of us not-yet-sainted humans know that while such perfect, unconditional love may be our goal, most of us have a long way to go.

Myth #5: If you enjoy your time away from your partner, you must have a bad marriage. 

Although most people marry not just for love but for companionship, happy couples enjoy not only their time together but also their time apart. Although I love my husband more than ever, I look forward to times he travels because I can luxuriate in a few days of not having to compromise–eating whatever and whenever I please, watching sappy chick flicks that he would hate, staying up too late or sleeping in as I wish.

Part of building a strong “we” is to continue to build a strong “me” or sense of individual identity. Spending time away from each other allows you to take care of yourself, pursuing personal interests, friendships, and dreams. This new input brings vital energy and ideas back into the relationship, keeping it alive and growing.

In the next blog…Given that staying in love takes time and commitment, what are some helpful reminders to make our relationships more loving and satisfying?

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development.”                                                                                            -Rainier Maria Rilke, poet

One of the ongoing polarities in any relationship–whether between marriage partners, parents and children, or friends–is the balancing act of closeness and distance. This is the ongoing dance of intimacy, and the key is to learn to move towards and to move away without seeing either polarity as right or wrong, good or bad. To forge the bonds of relationship takes time together but also takes time apart lest the bonds begin to feel too tight or binding.

In my last blog about the tug-of-war in relationships, I described the predictable stages of closeness and distance as the bond of intimacy develops over time, working towards the goal of mutual interdependence. What happens when a family goes through times of increased stress due to loss, trauma, illness or rapid change?

Stress and the Tug of War

When anxiety goes up in a family or relationship due to times of rapid change, each of us has a preference for one side of the polarity. When stressed, young children cling more to one or both parents, whereas adolescents often do the opposite and pull away, locking themselves into their bedroom and refusing to talk. What do you do? What does your partner do? Is it more painful for you to be more distant from loved ones or do you feel panicked when a loved one is overly dependent on you?

It can help to become more familiar with the places that scare you. If you grew up in a family with poor boundaries– perhaps your parents wanted to know everything about you and would hover too close and be angry when you wanted to be left alone. When stressed out, you may long for the solitude you were never granted, pushing loved ones away when you are anxious. On the other hand, if you grew up in a family that highly valued independence and was more loosely connected or if you lost a parent prematurely due to death or divorce, then when stressed, you may cling to loved ones, fearing abandonment over anything else.

Once you are more aware of where you naturally fall on this polarity and how you try to compensate for the pain of your past, then you can make different choices in the present moment. The first step is to notice what happens when you are feeling anxious or stressed out. Do you try to sooth your anxiety by seeking out more closeness with your partner or do you want to be left alone even more than is typical for you?

Why is this a problem? So what if you want some extra attention or extra time away? The problem is that your partner may take this personally. She may think, “If he really loved me, he would want to talk to me when he is hurting.” The truth is that your partner (or parent or child) can love you and still be unable to meet your needs when you are stressed. The more unconscious one or both of you are about this pattern, the more intense the conflict can be.

When your partner is unable to give you what you need, it is easy to feel hurt and rejected or resentful. If neither or you understands about how this pattern was learned in childhood, then it is easy to project your needs on your loved ones and blame them for how badly you feel. Once you have identified your preference for one side of the polarity–closeness or distance–then you can use your insight to keep from getting stuck in the blame game.

With the tool of awareness, you can remind yourself that you learned this way of self-soothing as a child but that your partner may have learned the opposite way to cope. Just removing the negative judgment can soften your response to yourself or your loved one. Since we are powerless to stop the inevitable ebb and flow of intimacy, it helps simply to learn to notice how both closeness and distance come and go and then come back again.

I often remind people about a simple but sometimes painful truth: You are the only person that will always be there when you need someone. The sooner we learn to comfort ourselves, the less burden we put on our relationships to make us feel better. Paradoxically, when we can take comfort in our solitude, we are often more able to be truly close to others as well.

If you get the Sunday newspaper, you were probably one of the 33 million subscribers who saw yesterday’s Parade Magazine cover story, “The Secrets to a Happy Family,” by the New York Times columnist, best-selling author and dad, Bruce Feiler. Feiler is perhaps best known for his book Walking the Bible, also made into a wonderful PBS series. I respect the man for many reasons–he is a great writer, an intrepid explorer of diverse cultures and religions, and a deeply committed father. But the article, and other information gleaned from interviews with Feiler, left me worried.

Already poised to be a best-selling parenting book on Amazon, since the book hasn’t quite gone to print, I haven’t gotten a copy yet. Nevertheless, as a mental health professional with more than thirty years of experience successfully helping parents and families to be more loving and effective, I was upset by the article featured so prominently in Parade. Quite a publishing coup, but at what cost to parents and families? Here are some thoughts for future readers to consider:

 What credentials make Bruce Feiler an expert on parenting or on characteristics of healthy families?

Quoted in an interview on his Amazon page, Feiler proclaims,”As for parenting books, the biggest problem is they’re out of fresh ideas.” Step aside, mental health professionals. You have nothing new to offer. Besides, the “old” information, confirmed by thousands of researchers, is, well, old. Which must mean invalid, right?

Unfortunately, this just isn’t true. A body of solid research–and books that outline the findings–are there for the picking, and new studies on healthy families are being done constantly. Important findings are available from resources such as the National Institute of Mental Health, the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services, the Pew Research Center, The Harvard Family Research Project (and similar projects in universities around the world). In fact, there are so many professional, competent contributors to this field that the amount of information is overwhelming. They/we are not out of fresh ideas.

Surprisingly, Feiler chose to ignore the usual psychologists and family experts, and instead, as stated in his interview, “he sought out the most creative minds from Silicon Valley to the country’s top negotiators, from the set of Modern Family to the Green Berets and asked what team-building exercises and problem-solving techniques they use with their families. Feiler then tested these ideas with his own wife and kids.” The book then explores what makes families happy through the lens of business precepts, other parents, and his own experience. Although this certainly makes for an interesting book, lively discussion, and some fresh ideas, it is being sold to the public as if it is research-based information. Sadly, there is no fact-checker to back up the claims.

What essential information is missing about healthy, loving families and why does this matter?

When we go to a doctor to get an annual check-up, even if we appear to be in good health, the doctor runs through a checklist of important indicators of health and well-being. He or she takes our blood pressure, listens to our heart, pushes and probes our bodies, and runs tests to look at our cholesterol, our hormones, our blood sugars. If we have indicators of problems, then more extensive tests determine (hopefully) the underlying causes that must be addressed to maximize our functioning.

The same principle holds true for the psychological and emotional well-being of our kids and other family members. There is a wealth of good information about the underlying structures and skill sets that are the essential building blocks of healthy families. Without these cornerstones, the family itself will be built on a flimsy foundation. And no amount of helpful hints from successful business entrepreneurs will fix the problem until the structure is built or repaired.

With the media’s emphasis on sensationalism and sound bites, it’s trendy to report what seems counterintuitive to make the headlines. Find the oddball piece of information that captures readers attention and run with it. In contrast, mental health professionals are trained to examine all behavior within a given context. Although there are, as he notes, some common threads that run in healthy families, not everyone reading Feiler’s words of advice comes from a healthy family.

Within the 33 million readers, there are vast differences in education, culture, and upbringing. There are readers with family members struggling with marriage problems, substance abuse, domestic violence, depression, trauma, as well as those in happier, healthier partnerships. For some families, the very advice that this book is touting would be less than helpful–it could be downright harmful.

An obvious example shows up in the 19 point quiz which is supposed to help the reader discover how to have one big happy family. Feiler’s advice is to give the kids a role in picking their own punishment with mention of Carol Dweck’s work. (As an aside, I have huge respect for Dweck’s research and have previously blogged about how parents’ might integrate some of her findings.) Unfortunately, this advice would be great for some families and counter-productive for others. Why?  Because not all families are alike.

There are far too many families today who have built their foundation on too little parenting strength and too much kid power. As a result, there are kids ruling the roost, often sadly and frighteningly out of control. For families such as this, the first tool we give parents is to put them back in charge or in charge for the very first time. Telling all readers that one of the secrets of happy families is to have the kids determine the consequences would be like giving a pre-diabetic more sugar. On the other hand, in another family that is far too authoritarian, this advice might be useful.

Another example advises adopting various sitting positions in order to reduce feelings of power imbalance. While the ideas might well work in some families, it is predicated on the idea that all parties involved want to share power equally. Sadly, this is very often not the case and the use of this tip might well increase the level of conflict in the family or even lead to increased aggression. It all boils down to seeing problems in a larger context.

My husband and I are not only dedicated parents but have spent our entire professional life dedicated to helping families. We do not want the key elements of successful thriving relationships to remain secret. Our dream is to see the day when a curriculum is taught in every high school in America about how to create and maintain loving families. The information is available, being added and revised in clinics and research labs around the world. Let’s not totally reinvent the wheel–even if it sells a lot more books.

There’s a tug-of-war going on in intimate relationships all across the country. A conflict, although sometimes never fully resolved, that can make or break a marriage. It often rears its head around Valentine’s Day, birthdays, or anniversaries. Can you guess what it is?

If you or your partner has been voicing the sentiments in the following list, you are not alone. It’s normal.

•  ”You never spend time with me!”
• “I need to be able to spend time with my friends.”
• “Why can’t we just hang out and talk like we used to?”
• “I wish you would find your own friends or get more hobbies.”
• “Why don’t you take better care of yourself and learn to be happy.”

One of the ongoing polarities in any relationship–whether between marriage partners, parents and children, or friends–is the balancing act of closeness and distance. This is the ongoing dance of intimacy, and the key is to learn to move towards and to move away without seeing either polarity as right or wrong, good or bad. To forge the bonds of relationship takes time together but also takes time apart lest the bonds begin to feel too tight or binding.

The Stages of Intimacy

The dance of intimacy and autonomy goes through predictable stages as a couple passes through the family life cycle. At the beginning, when couples are getting to know one another, and are falling in love, they tend to spend so much time together that other friends and family may feel abandoned or neglected. The first stage is all about closeness and bonding or the relationship never gets off the ground. Once the bond is established, a new stage emerges where each person feels safe enough to assert his or her individuality.

The second stage, known by psychotherapists as differentiation, was named after the biological process when cells or tissues start to become specialized in their functions. It is a necessary and positive movement that is crucial for healthy growth and development. But the process of differentiation in couples–moving from “we are one” to becoming two unique individuals in relationship–is often confusing and painful for couples. In fact, couples often break up or enter therapy when this stage gets too conflictual.

The reason this stage can be so difficult is that it feels like, all of a sudden, the person that you fell in love with because you had so much (everything, it seemed) in common is now wanting to spend time away, craving aspects of their “old” life such as friendships, family time, outside activities, or time just to be alone. It is easy to feel rejected or even betrayed. “I thought you liked (fill in the blank) rap music, walks on the beach, spy movies, pizza, big parties…”

Rather than take this move towards freedom and autonomy as evidence that you fell in love with the wrong person, realize that your partner now feels safe enough to begin to be more open and authentic. Unconsciously, this is often a time of testing the bond to see how strong it really is. Inside each person is wondering, “Will you still love me if I really tell you what I think, want and feel?”

If your relationship weathers this stage, you will go on to refine the dance, practicing together times of deeper connection and times of more independence. In this way, you will be learning how to balance the needs of the couple with those of each individual, finding ways to talk about the push-pull and to compromise. In a happy healthy relationship, you learn to respect each other’s needs for closeness and distance rather than blaming each other when the inevitable tug of war resurfaces time and again.

The goal is to work towards a relationship of mutual interdependence, one in which you feel safe to assert who you really are and know that your partner wants you to be all that you can be. You are each able to be close and connected and to be alone and happy. As with most everything in life, this takes practice and patience, courage and commitment. As someone who has been married to the same guy for over thirty years, it is well worth it. Even the tug-of-war is part of what keeps the dance alive.

“You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined.”                                             -Elizabeth Edwards

Life isn’t always easy. It’s not a bed of roses. The journey inevitably includes suffering, for some far more than for others. Most of us have known good people who have not been able to withstand the pain of existence and have succumbed to drugs and alcohol, acts of violence, and even deep despair and suicide.

But, at the same time, there have always been heroes–strong men and women who have overcome hardship and risen to greatness. There are examples of strength and resilience in every walk of life–athletes, artists, politicians, whistle-blowers, game-changers. There are also the unacknowledged heroes among us–people who will never be rich or famous but who were there as role models, facing life with grace and courage.

One important way to teach our kids how to be resilient is by studying and celebrating our heroes. What can they teach us?

1. Reach out to others.

At times of loss and trauma, most people feel alone. Just knowing that others have gone through whatever hardship we are currently facing can provide hope and comfort. This is why support groups are so effective. In 2010, researchers at Brigham Young University and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill examined every research paper on the relationship of social relationships and health, involving more than 300,000 men and women. They found that those with poor social connections had on average 50% higher odds of death in the study’s follow-up period (an average of 7.5 years) than people with more social ties.

2. Notice and celebrate the gifts that you are receiving.

A crucial element of being resilient, or bouncing back from trauma and loss in families, is the ability to find a silver lining in times of hardship. The world is hungry for heroes, and often the heroic instinct surfaces in our darkest moments of need. We have seen countless acts of charity, kindness, and courage in the wake of every disaster. With the help of the internet, we can now share these heroic stories and teach our children the importance of both giving and receiving.

3. Practice living and cherishing the present moment.

One of our national heroes, and rightly so, was the late Elizabeth Edwards. She faced the worst of losses that any parent can imagine–the death of a child. Her life and death from cancer was a profile in courage, and millions are still able to benefit from her willingness to share her personal experiences. She is a profile in resilience.

4. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

It is no accident that the miraculous story of a previously unsung hero climbed quickly to the top of the New York Times bestseller list and has stayed there for two years. If you have not already done so, and need inspiration, read the book Unbroken, by Laura Hillenbrand, the extraordinary story of Louis Zamperini, the World War II vet who survived both his shipwreck and long imprisonment as a POW in the South Pacific. As more and more families have been affected by sons and daughters fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, we need to find ways both to honor our heroes and also to help families to survive in the face of adversity.

5. Find heroes all around you and thank them.

We know that good parents lead by example. Notice the heroes in every day life (teachers, waitresses, firemen, nurses, kids helping others), in books, in movies, on the news, and share what you appreciate about them with your kids. Praise effort more than outcome and see obstacles or problems as opportunities for growth and perseverance. Parents can also encourage and model pro-social behaviors like volunteering, supporting local causes, and helping friends and neighbors in need. Just think how the world might change if everyone focussed more time celebrating our heroes and practicing acts of kindness and generosity…

“In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.” -Psychologist Albert Bandura

Given that change, with accompanying losses and hardships, is an inevitable part of life, it is crucial to learn how we can increase our capacity to rebound or spring back after painful life events, a capacity called resilience. Although we know that some aspects of resilience are inborn (related to temperament as explained in another blog), others aspects can be learned and practiced. Just as children are vaccinated to avoid physical disease, parents can help by inoculating them for the challenges they will face throughout their lives.

This can be done by teaching kids to have a resilient mindset or a positive lens through which they see themselves and the world. An example of this is teaching young children that mistakes are an inevitable part of learning new skills and are actually helpful rather than something bad to be avoided. An essential building block of resilience is a high level of self-efficacy. Although I have a pet peeve against fancy words when simple ones can do just as well, I think that it is important that parents, teachers, and therapists learn about self-efficacy: what it is, why it is important, and how to build it in ourselves and others.

Self-efficacy is defined as a person’s belief (whether true or not) in his or her ability to succeed or manage in specific situations or tasks. It is what helps nurture effort, perseverance, resilience, serenity, and optimism in the face of adversity. Do you remember the children’s story, The Little Engine That Could? When the little blue train has to pull a load of toys over the mountain, she succeeds only when she tells herself, “I think I can, I think I can, and then delights in her success by saying to herself, “I thought I could, I thought I could!” The little engine is a model of high self-efficacy.

Albert Bandura, Professor Emeritus at Stanford University, is one of the pre-eminent thinkers in the field of psychology and social learning. Since Bandura published his famous 1977 paper, “Self-Efficacy: Toward a Unifying Theory of Behavioral Change,” the subject has become one of the most studied topics in psychology. As Bandura and subsequent researchers have demonstrated, self-efficacy can have an impact on all aspects of our lives such as career choice, dating behavior, academic success–everything from internal psychological states to behavior and motivation. Low self-efficacy can lead people to imagine that tasks are harder than they actually are. This can lead to poor task planning, as well as increased stress. If you don’t believe your efforts will result in your desired outcome, you will have a lot of trouble getting started, applying effort, or persevering in any activity. You anticipate failure, so why bother?

On the flip side, when you have high self-efficacy, confronting an obstacle often stimulates you to apply even greater efforts rather than becoming discouraged and giving up. When failure occurs, someone with high self-efficacy will attribute the failure to external factors, whereas someone with low self-efficacy will blame themselves or their lack of ability. For example, a child with high self-efficacy may attribute a poor test grade to a lack of effort, insufficient preparation, or an unusually difficult test. A person with a low self-efficacy will believe that the poor test grade demonstrates their lack of ability or not being smart enough.

How do we acquire our beliefs about our ability to master our own universes? According to Bandura’s theory, our self-efficacy beliefs are formed by how we interpret the input we receive from four sources:

FIrst, we build self-efficacy through our own experiences of mastery. How we interpret the results of our performance on any given task is the most influential source of our self-efficacy beliefs. If you are a parent or teacher, as often as possible, ask kids to evaluate their performance before you give them feedback. Most importantly, have kids identify what they did well, what kind of effort they put into the task, and what they learned.

Second, we form beliefs vicariously by observing others. Children will learn from parents, teachers and other role models for better or for worse. A good mentor can model a better way of doing a task, whether the task is learning how to resolve conflict, how to ask good questions, how to persevere, or how to learn from mistakes. If you are a parent or a teacher, you can reinforce positive modeling by asking kids what they observed another child doing well. Adults can also practice healthy self-reflection and share with kids what they liked about their own behavior and what they might improve with practice or effort.

A third way we develop self-concept is from the verbal judgments about us made by others, both adults and peers. An interesting finding is that repeated negative appraisals by others can and will weaken self-efficacy beliefs even more than positive appraisals will strengthen them. In other words, lots of praise is not going to make up for lots of criticism and negative judgments. It is more important to teach kids (and ourselves) that failure is a necessary part of learning, and that mastery of any difficult tasks takes repeated, concentrated practice for everyone. When giving feedback on areas that need to be addressed, give information about what your child can do in order to succeed at the task rather than what they did not do.

The final way we acquire self-efficacy is by how we interpret the signals we get from our bodies and our emotions. In stressful situations, most people experience common signs of distress. We get the shakes, suffer an upset stomach, have cold hands, sweat more than normal and feel anxious or afraid. We each assess how confident we feel by the way we interpret our emotional and physical state as we contemplate whatever task is at hand (a test, a game, a speech, a job interview). Parents can help kids tune into their bodies and explain how the physiological signs of stress are actually healthy mechanisms that get our bodies ready for action rather than signs of imminent failure. Teach kids how to take slow deep breaths and feel the difference between tension and relaxation, and have them practice the feared task in their imagination while feeling good about themselves.

Another way to learn about self-efficacy and resilience is by studying and celebrating our heroes. We are surrounded by models of those who have been courageous in the face of hardship and defeat. Can you think of some examples? Do you have a favorite?  I’ll share some of mine in the next blog…

“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.” -Daniel Goleman

As a psychotherapist, I am constantly struck by how little the average person knows about emotions– both why we have them in the first place and what we are to do about them when they cause us pain and suffering. It seems as though half of humanity wishes they could do without them–and they try very hard to avoid or suppress any painful feeling that comes along. The emotion-avoiding types say things like, “I don’t want to talk about it because then I’d  feel sad,” or “It won’t change anything to get angry, so why bother…”

The other half, the emotionally dramatic as-if-on-a-roller-coaster type, seems to honor their emotions, giving them not just a voice but the whole driver’s seat. These folks say things like, “I can’t do that when I don’t feel like it,” or “I can’t possibly change the way that I feel since it is who I am.” If given too much weight, feelings can be used to blame or shame others or to justify inappropriate behavior.

As clinical psychologist and Buddhist practitioner Daniel Goleman so aptly reminds us, feelings are an essential part of our humanity, and we need to learn how to work with them so they don’t get the best of us. As infants, our emotions helped communicate our needs to our caregivers, and as adults they still help us to know what we like and don’t like. They are essential in order for us to be able to empathize and have compassion for ourself and others. The trick is how to find the balance between too much expression and too little. For most of us, this is a lifelong process. Here is a way to begin.

First, ask yourself which one of these two tendencies are you most likely to exhibit? Are you able to express your emotions? When was the last time you allowed yourself to cry? How do you express your frustration or your anger? Are you the type who wears your heart on your sleeve or do you keep everything bottled up inside? Or perhaps, there are certain feelings that you allow yourself to feel and to express and others that you hide not only from your family but from yourself.

If you aren’t sure how to answer these questions, ask a friend or loved one what they notice about you. Ask for honest but gentle feedback. The first step is to bring more awareness to this arena. Once you have some awareness, then you can begin to take the steps necessary either to learn to be more expressive or to learn to hold back the expression of your emotions when they are out of control and unmanageable. In another blog, I shared about how to make peace with painful memories.

Begin with the practice of simply becoming aware of your emotions day to day, moment to moment. Neither expressing nor suppressing but simply watching and naming your emotions as they arise is the first step in learning you can withstand them. It can take a lifetime to perfect, but even a little bit of this practice usually brings about a greater sense of control. When we learn to maintain a relaxed yet energized state of open awareness, (without forgetting to breathe), we can remain engaged in the present moment, poised for whatever may come next. Isn’t this very moment all we can do anything about?

“When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don’t blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce.” -Thich Nhat Hanh

The wish to seek and have a deep sense of family connection and commitment is universal. Ask people what is most important to them and their first answer is always the same–their family. Our families give us a sense of identity and belonging, reminding us of who we are and what is unique about us. They are also the context, the garden soil, out of which our individuality flowers. The metaphor of a garden is an apt one for many reasons. All over the world, there are gardens of vastly different designs, planted at different times, at different stages of growth and decay, with different types of plants. In spite of the fact that no two are alike, all gardens have some common needs–sunlight and water, planting of seeds and cutting back weeds. In short, for a garden to flourish, it needs tending.

What gives families a strong sense of connection? The answer is so simple even though often so difficult to do. We must spend quality time together, or if separated by geography, spend time communicating. Only by making the time to share the details of our daily lives as well as our successes, hardships, dreams and disappointments can we reap the rewards of our intimate bonds. Twenty-first century families are more isolated than ever before. With both parents working more hours than ever and with the demands of work infiltrating family time via computers and cell phones, most everyone we talk to complains about the same thing. There’s just not enough time!

“Your family and your love must be cultivated like a garden. Time, effort, and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing.” -Jim Rohn

So remind yourself in the following week to take some time each day–even if only minutes– to connect with your family members. Remember to use the precious times you already have to talk and listen rather than remain plugged into cell phones or ipods. Catch the moments in between–like driving in the car, eating a snack, walking the dog–to share thoughts and feelings with your loved ones.

Another important ritual for spending regular time together is the family dinner. There is a growing body of research that reveals just how significant this time is for the physical and emotional health of the kids. Routines and rituals such as this provide consistency and structure which not only help families to feel more connected but also help to buffer the negative effects of stress.

One of my favorite times to talk to my mother is when I am chopping vegetables for dinner with my headset on. We take those minutes to share details of our day, and my mom always asks me what’s for dinner. My husband has long weekly talks with his mom who lives out of town when he goes on hikes to get his exercise.It often helps to schedule talking and listening time in whatever schedule “book” you use, committing yourself to family time instead of slipping into the habit of watching TV, computer surfing, video gaming or answering one more email. How much time does it take to water your flowers before they wilt?

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
― George Bernard Shaw

When I see couples or families in therapy, improving communication is often the first goal. Most people, convinced that they are already good communicators, quickly discover that many of their skills need honing. Effective communication can be far more difficult than any of us first imagined. I am constantly shocked and reminded just how easy it is to hurt or be hurt by our loved ones due to correctable misunderstandings. What are some of the most common mistakes all of us make?

One of the most universal communication errors in our relationships with our parents, partners, and children is that we are tempted to speak without thinking first. This is understandable because we are typically less guarded with people we feel close to. The downside of having this increased freedom of expression is that we often blurt things that we would never even dream of saying out loud to a friend or colleague.

Hence, Tip #1: Engage your brain before you open your mouth, and ask yourself if anyone will really be served by what you are about to say. The old adage “some things are better left unsaid” happens to be true. Healthy families are lavish when it comes to sharing positive words and more restrained and deliberate when it comes to delivering negative feedback.

The  second most common error is that we assume that the other person actually understands precisely what we have communicated. Unfortunately, this is very often not the case. Tip #2: The more important the information being communicated, the more we need to slow down, taking ample time to make sure that the message we are sending is the same one that our loved one is receiving. The best remedy for this (besides making your communications short and to the point) is to learn how to paraphrase and make a habit of asking the listener what they heard. I know that this may sound incredibly tedious, boring, and unnatural–which it will be until you get better at it. Difficult as this may be at first, the great news is that it really works.

Tip #3 is to listen without countering and to stop planning what you are going to say next. Another common mistake we often make when talking things over with our loved ones occurs when we believe that we are right and they are wrong. We get sucked into a debate model where we begin to think more about our responses than we do about trying to listen and have empathy for the other person’s point of view. We become defensive and get locked into our position rather than trying to find common ground.

Tip #4 is to stop making assumptions. As the old adage goes, to assume is to make an “ass” out of “u” and “me”. Many avoidable misunderstandings stem from the fact that we too quickly assume we know what the other person means. When speaking with your partner or your child, ask as many questions as you need to in order to understand where the other person is coming from. Don’t do all the talking yourself—ask questions and listen with an open heart and mind.

Tip #5 is to remember to be loving and respectful in your choice of words, body language and tone of voice. Even if you are having a disagreement, you can show love and respect by not raising your voice and by listening and acknowledging the other person’s feelings. It also makes others feel seen and heard when you remember to make eye contact.

Tip #6 is to speak for yourself. Don’t try to make a point by bringing in the fact that your mother, Aunt Tilly, and all your women friends agree with you. Make “I” statements about what you feel, and need. Try to stick to the subject. Make your point without making accusations.

Tip #7 is that it is essential to be able to agree to disagree sometimes. Practice respectful acceptance of the inevitable differences you have around preferences, beliefs, history and style. Remember that some issues will not go away simply by communicating about them. Often compromise or mutual acceptance is necessary.

Tip #8 is to remember the power of apology and to practice it often. Since none of us will ever be perfect, we all need to know how to say we are sorry when we hurt someone’s feelings–whether we intended to or not. The whole point of communication is to strengthen our relationships with others and with ourselves. Keep the goal in mind and remember that mastery only comes with practice.

“The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.”                                                                -Abraham Lincoln

Each January, when the next year unfolds, we are bombarded with articles on goal-setting and New Year’s resolutions. Many of these otherwise helpful articles fail to mention just how difficult it can be to change- especially when tackling old time worn habits. Often we need to be hit in the side of the head with a two by four (metaphorically speaking) before we get up the courage or willingness to address our problems.

As Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled, says so eloquently,”The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling uncomfortable, unhappy or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” If your goal is to create a happy family or have more fulfilling relationships, don’t wait for a crisis. Instead, start with small steps, and make tiny changes one day at a time.

If you want to laugh and think and be inspired about how uncomfortable change can be, watch or re-watch the movie Groundhog Day, made in 1993 with Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell. The movie is about Phil Connors, a weatherman who is the proverbial “glass is half empty” kind of guy. Phil is self-absorbed, sarcastic, and unhappy. In an odd magical turn of fate, he keeps repeating the same frustrating day, which just so happens to be Groundhog Day, over and over and over again, trapped in a time loop.

Like all the rest of us with our own repetitive tapes of self-defeating behaviors, Phil is doomed to remain stuck if he keeps doing the same thing. On the other hand, if he changes, people will respond to him differently, and new opportunities and realities will slowly but surely begin to emerge. Watch the movie with your family or friends; ask yourself or each other what is your personal “Groundhog Day” and what do you want to do about it?                                           

A wonderful book and on-line resource for parents and non-parents alike is called The Happiness Project: Or Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle and Generally Have More Fun by Gretchen Rubin. The so-called project that Rubin undertook was to see if and how she could become happier over the course of one year.

She began by setting specific measurable goals in different areas of her life such as in her marriage, her work, and her parenting. Next she started making concrete changes which give the reader some ideas and tools. What is delightful about this book is that it is well written, funny, and doesn’t feel preachy even though it easily could. The fact that this book and others on the same topic are now bestsellers says something about just how universal is the desire to be happier.

For those of you who have already read How’s Your Family Really Doing? 10 Keys to a Happy Loving Family, this is the perfect book for anyone wanting to work on Key #8, “Seeing the Positive”. Rubin describes some of the research that reveals how happiness does not come from selfishly trying to meet our own individual needs. Greater happiness instead arises from things like having good relationships with others, from practicing how to be more loving and generous, and from finding concrete ways to give back to the world.

Even though I am an avid reader, it is challenging to find the time to read all the great books collecting dust on the shelves let alone trying to take the steps to build my happiness quotient.If you are currently too busy or overwhelmed even to think about reading another great book, you can enjoy Rubin’s writing by checking out her blog.

Or simply take one minute, click on the link that follows and watch The Years Are Short. This short and sweet video reminded me of how important it is to treasure each moment and to remember how to see the world through the eyes of a child once again. When you celebrate the coming of this new year, perhaps forget the big resolutions for the future. Take a deep breath, and look around you. What can you do right now to make yourself or your family members feel loved and appreciated? Just do that, one day at a time.