Most people are now aware that high levels of conflict–loud, angry or bitter fighting–can be tremendously destructive not only to marriages and intimate relationships but can cause lasting harm to the children caught in the crossfire.
As painful as divorce can be for kids, what we know now is that excessive fighting is what troubles kids–whether the family remains intact or not. On the flip side, disagreements and differences go hand in hand with any relationship whether it be marital partners, parents and children, co-workers or siblings.
One of the crucial skills we must master in order to sustain close, long-term relationships is healthy communication. Not only do we need to be able to communicate our positive feelings of love and appreciation but we need to be able to talk through issues when we don’t see eye to eye.
The Elements of Healthy Conflict
The Elements of Destructive Conflict
In destructive conflict, all bets are off. Psychologist John Gottman’s land-breaking research on couples brought to light the negative aspects that can lead any discussion to the dark side. He aptly labeled these the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse because once they are predominant in a couple’s conflict, the likelihood of divorce dramatically rises.
These are uncertain, turbulent times, colored as they are by fears about war and terrorism. As a result, children as well as adults are experiencing higher levels of stress.
When a flu bug is going around, conscientious parents make sure their child is getting plenty of sleep, vitamins, and a healthy diet to build their immune system. How can we, in a similar fashion, build up our children’s capacity to deal with current stresses?
Although there is no magic pill, there is a healthy diet of social and emotional skills that you can provide children. Increasing these skills is the most effective way to help them deal with the current threat, as well as learn valuable lessons to last a lifetime.
It is normal for them to feel afraid, yet there are things we can do to help our kids function optimally in these trying times. Here are some tips for parents, teachers and child professionals…
Discuss the concerns that your children have by first asking them what they are hearing from peers, school and the news. Don’t push the issue. It’s best not to fill them with fears they don’t have, but also realize that concerns don’t go away if we try to ignore them.
If they are worried, reassure with words like “I can see you are feeling really scared. This is a hard time for us.” “I know we’ll feel better when it’s over.” Avoid telling them “Everything will be okay,” because if something does happen, you’ll lose their trust.
Entertainment and real events can blend together and their imaginations can run wild–like thinking that a war with Iraq will be like Star Wars. Many kids who saw the twin towers falling on 9/11 insisted it was a movie. Others seeing the image repeated on the news thought the event was happening over and over again. Children need …
If you were one of the lucky people, raised in a happy loving family, you’ve most likely emerged with many of the skills and strengths necessary to form lasting healthy relationships…and you are probably NOT reading this blog right now.
Unfortunately, far too many people were raised by parents filled with good intentions but plagued by bad, sometimes destructive habits from their own childhood upbringing. These ghosts of the past, if not recognized, can haunt our families.
Our histories pack a powerful punch when we’ve buried (or tried to bury) old feelings as a way of avoiding the pain associated with them. Unfortunately, the unfinished business from our childhood and previous relationships also tends to get projected onto and then played out with our partner and/or our children. It is sad but true that the people we love the most in the world become the unwitting victims of this process.
Our emotional brains allowed us to survive as a species. We had to learn–and then be able to respond very quickly–about what or whom to approach and when to run like hell. Memories, especially ones with strong emotions, get wired into our brains without our awareness. Events that remind us of an emotionally charged experience from the past then trigger the same thoughts, feelings and body memories.
The emotional mind reacts to the present as if the past event were happening again. The combat veteran who leaps into the closet at the sound of a door slamming is instantly back on the streets of Iraq running for cover. Luckily, most people don’t suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, a severe syndrome now widely publicized and better understood. But our brains are wired the same. Every one of us has our “emotional triggers” or “buttons” that move our emotions to the foreground and our clear …
I will never forget a lecture that I heard in 1973 (which says a lot since there is so much that I don’t remember). The speaker was the late David Rosenhan, Professor Emeritus, in his popular undergraduate class in Abnormal Psychology at Stanford. Each year, at the end of the term, he gave a lecture about choosing the right therapist. His advice was wise and as relevant today as it was forty years ago.
“Choosing the right therapist,” Rosenhan insisted (and I quote loosely), “should be like buying a pair of shoes. You would never buy shoes without trying them on, seeing how they fit, picking the brand that meets your current needs, fits your lifestyle, and is affordable. Even then, if you make your purchase, take them home and find they pinch you in the wrong places, you would not say to yourself, ‘I need a new foot, something must be wrong with me!’ now would you? No, you would take back the shoes and seek out a new pair.” So it should go, he sagely advised, with choosing the right therapist.
Myths and Misunderstandings About Psychotherapy
As I mentioned in my last blog, far too many people fail to seek help or wait much too long before seeking professional guidance. There are numerous explanations for this reluctance, and unfortunately, many negative myths also surround the therapeutic process. In the forty years since the Rosenhan lecture, I’ve heard them all many times.
Myth #1: If you need therapy, you must really be sick or messed up. Myth #2: If you need therapy, it means the problems are your fault.Myth #3: All therapy does is blame your current problems on the past. Myth #4: All therapists are the same and most therapy goes on for years.
Why Your Doctor May Not Suggest Counseling (even when it could help)
Myth #5: It won’t do any good, and my doctor didn’t suggest it either. Here’s why:A …
Schweitzer’s quote seemed especially timely given the arrival of the Thanksgiving holidays and this year’s rare convergence of Thanksgiving and the first day of Hanukkah, the Jewish festival of lights.
Both holidays are celebrations of religious freedom and of survival against all odds. Both remind us to be grateful to be alive and to have food on our table, since not everyone on our planet is so lucky. That being said, expressing thanks is both a universal urge and a crucial strength that can be cultivated, not just at Thanksgiving but on any day.
The world’s religious teachers, ancient philosophers, and indigenous people have spoken about the importance of gratitude for over a thousand years, seeing it as an important virtue to be cultivated and practiced. In religious traditions, the saying of grace before each meal is a way of thanking God for the food on your table.
Most parents teach their children the “magic words” of saying “please” and “thank you”. We have always known intuitively that grateful people seem to be happier with their lives and also more able to confront life’s challenges.
The More the Better
Scientists were latecomers to this awareness. Only in the past ten years have researchers started to take a hard look at exactly how and why gratitude leads to increased health and happiness. Now, a growing body of research is emerging that verifies not only this but much more.
Psychologist Robert Emmons from the University of California at Davis is one of the prominent researchers on gratitude, now conducting highly focused, cutting-edge studies on the nature of gratitude, its causes, and its consequences. Many other researchers are following suit.
They have found that gratitude helps boost the immune system and is in itself a form of stress reduction. We are also learning that adversity can, paradoxically, bring an increase …
Are you delighted that school has started again, and your child is out of your hair for a few quiet hours?
Is “NO!” her favorite word?
Does he continue to throw temper tantrums long after the terrible two’s should have passed?
Does she keep demanding what she wants until it drives you crazy?
If you have answered yes to any or all of these questions, I have a few suggestions for you, depending on the age of your child. If you are the parent of a new baby or toddler, The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year -Old, by Dr. Harvey Karp is a good place to start.
Harvey Karp, MD., is an assistant professor of pediatrics at the UCLA School of Medicine, and a parent himself. He helps parents understand the world from the point of view of the toddler, using the metaphor that toddlers are little cave people with undeveloped language and logic, ruled primarily by their emotions and basic needs. They will do whatever they can to get what they want–as long as you, the adult, allow them to.
Tip #1: Don’t take things that your child says or does personally. Toddlers are works in progress.
Choose Your Battles Wisely
Karp divides toddler behavior into three categories: “green light” behaviors, which are positive and should be encouraged; “yellow light” behaviors, which are the annoying but not completely unacceptable things toddlers do; and “red light” behaviors which are unacceptable because they are either dangerous or they disobey a key family rule.With great humor and a gentle touch, Dr. Karp gives specific suggestions for encouraging the positive and eliminating the negative behaviors common to this stage.
Tip #2: Know what you can and should expect from your child at any given stage of development.
Ask your pediatrician, your child’s teacher or other parents if you are in doubt about what is “normal”. For birth to age 5, …
Although for some kids, finding the right medication is a life-changer, there are many parents who are adamantly opposed to putting their kids on drugs–particularly without trying something more holistic first. There is great news on many different fronts as well as new research from around the world, showing that there are alternative approaches to treatment shown to be effective in combatting depression in children and teens. Here are just a few of them that have recently caught my eye…
Just yesterday, a friend told me how her family doctor prescribed her mother antidepressants for twenty years. She was outraged that he never encouraged her to get counseling as well. She believes her mom could be happier if encouraged to grieve the untimely death of her husband and directed to build a bigger support system.
Last week, a new client came in for help with anxiety, and her doctor told her she must see a psychiatrist—not a psychologist or family therapist. This was the GP’s advice in spite of the fact that the woman complained about the controlling behavior of her husband. Unfortunately, far too many psychiatrists now prescribe medication (usually anti-depressants but sometimes addictive drugs like Xanax) rather than doing psychotherapy or even suggesting it.
This is no small question since one in six people will experience depression at some time during their life. Study after study has shown that psychotherapy helps people–and not just for depression. Given that therapy is available in many forms—and that low-cost or sliding fee scale options are available in most communities across America—why are doctors still not prescribing it as the first line of attack for depression and anxiety?
One answer can be found by following the money. Intense marketing strategies on the part of drug companies sell every new drug therapy as the quick and easy fix–while only mentioning in fine print the negative side effects that typically coincide with any drug. In the blog I wrote about anxiety, I received numerous heartfelt comments from readers who became addicted to prescription meds being taken just as their doctor prescribed.
Perhaps there are so many different forms of therapy out there these days that doctors are unfamiliar with and therefore hesitant to make referrals. While it is broadly …
While certainly both of those claims are true for many, when men in self-described unhappy relationships are asked what they want most from their partners that they’re not getting, the first answer was communication and the second answer was affection. Exactly the same answers that the unhappy women answered!
When it came to the third answer, men said more sex and women more financial security. More sex was #4 on women’s list. So the surprisingly good news is that all of us want more of the same thing…more talking and listening. Although improving our communication can take hard work and commitment, at least we can be assured that this goal is both mutual and a deal-breaker for healthy relationships.
New Study on What is “Normal” in Relationships
This information and a lot more is now available thanks to Chrisanna Northrup and social science researchers, Pepper Schwartz and James Witte, who conducted an on-line survey of more than 70,000 participants from around the world. The results, published in the new book, The Normal Bar, provide us with hard empirical evidence about what really goes on behind closed doors, not only in America but in Europe, Australia, Latin America and Asia. As Northrup discovered, “Cultural stereotypes and the media’s fantasies of romance and lust have little to do with what really goes on in relationships, especially since conduct varies over time and across geographic boundaries.”
Although their study does indeed reveal some differences between men and women and across cultures which I will discuss in future blogs, the broad similarities are striking. Men and women in almost every country described communication as the biggest relationship issue. The only exception were the French respondents who ranked affection first and communication second. Go figure.
I attended a powerpoint presentation recently, given by a nationally renowned psychiatrist, who provided an excellent overview of modern day psychiatry in America. It was quite disturbing to learn that the most widely prescribed psychiatric drug is Xanax. More bad news is the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) reporting a sharp increase in fatal overdoses of prescription drugs. In fact, if you look at the top fifteen most prescribed psychotropic drugs, you will find Ativan (at #3), Valium (#8) and Klonopin on the list as well. If your regular doctor is prescribing them, they can’t be all that bad, right?
Many of you reading this article may not know that all four medications are classified as “minor tranquilizers” and are from the same family of drugs, called benzodiazepines. The first “benzo” sold in America was Librium in 1960, followed quickly by Valium, which was the number one prescribed psych med for most of the 1970′s and is still high on the list. When Xanax became available in 1981, it was marketed as the best drug for panic attacks. Certainly Pfizer did a great job of marketing, making Xanax the big winner–the most popular psychiatric drug in America–but is this really the best treatment for anxiety?
Some of you who are reading this article may currently be taking one of these drugs as prescribed by your doctor. I am a psychotherapist, not a doctor, and I am not offering medical advice here. Rather, I am offering information so that you, as a consumer or interested family member, can have more facts at your disposal. Unfortunately, hugely expensive, clever commercials flash onto our screens daily, touting one promising drug or another for various psychiatric conditions. Given how debilitating anxiety can be, it is no wonder that we reach for something, anything, to fix it.
Without going deeply into the chemical composition of benzodiazepines (such information is readily available on line), they …