Psych Central

Positive Emotions Articles

Depressed? 6 Tips to Help Find Your Soul

Monday, April 14th, 2014

file000623936896Ashley burst into tears within a few moments of sitting down in my office. “I don’t know why I’m crying. I have a loving husband and two precious children. I work out a lot and I eat well–at least most of the time. I have really great girlfriends although I never get enough time with them. I just don’t know who I am any more…and I don’t know where I lost myself.”

It didn’t take long for Ashley and I to uncover the source of her despair. Like so many of us, the noisiness of all the external demands of life had drowned out the needs of Ashley’s inner voice. She was taking quite good care of herself on the outside but simultaneously ignoring her emotional vulnerability, her desire for quiet alone time, and her connection to her soul.
Are You Tending Your Own Garden?Hummingbird
One of the most important lessons I have had to learn (often the hard way)–and continue to teach the many parents who come for counseling–is how important it is to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of others. I often use the metaphor of a garden because even the most beautiful garden, if left unattended, will eventually wither and die.

Just as plants need water, healthy soil and regular weeding, so do budding humans need care and attention in order to thrive. Perhaps this seems obvious (as truth often does), but most of us get so caught up in taking care of the kids, the house, the job and all the other responsibilities of daily life that we simply forget ourselves or run out of time to listen to the crying of our soul’s deep inner longings.
file0001304805699What About Your Inner World?
“Scarcity of self value cannot be remedied by money, recognition, affection, attention or influence.” ~Gary Zukav

Most of us know by now–and are constantly reminded by self-help literature and blogs–that we need to tend to our physical bodies in order …


6 Tips for Breaking the Blame Barrier

Monday, March 31st, 2014

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAHardly a day ever goes by when I don’t hear someone blaming someone for something. It is one of the most common–and one of the most frustrating patterns that confront couples and families. Blame can destroy a good marriage, wreak havoc on our friendships, and put innocent kids in the middle of their parents’ arguments.

Not only are families besieged by this destructive pattern, the whole culture is mired in it. We blame the President; the Democrats blame the Republicans and vice versa; women blame men; consumers blame companies; patients blame their doctors. The dance goes on and on all around us. Is there any way to break through the blame barrier and why should we even attempt to do so?

file0001915505944Here’s what it sounds like? Sound familiar?

  • “You never listen to me. If you had just listened, you would have remembered what time we were meeting.”
  • “You started that whole thing with your brother. One of you always gets hurt when you rough house like that.”
  • “If you stopped nagging me all the time, I would want to ask you for a date night.”

So Why Do We Blame Others?
file000390505026If blaming is so universal, there must be some reason for it. In fact, there are loads of reasons to blame someone else for things that go wrong.

We actually believe that we are right. Since the time human beings lived together in tribes and villages, there had to be laws to govern our behavior. Rules and laws are typically black and white with a right and a wrong answer. You are guilty or not guilty of a crime. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, we simply apply this black and white reasoning (whether or not it is helpful or endearing) to our partner or child’s behavior.

We are blind to our side of an interaction. Most all of us are trained to see the world in a linear sequence: A causes B. In …


10 Tips to Manage Stress More Effectively

Monday, March 24th, 2014

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA—Countless research studies have underscored how anxiety and depression correlate significantly with an individual’s sense of control or lack of control over his or her own destiny. The same thing is true when it comes to stress.

In fact, given our mortality combined with our lack of control over so much of life, stress goes hand in hand with being human. Although we can’t make all our stresses disappear with a magic wand, we can learn to cope more effectively with stress so it doesn’t kill us.

(Although don’t all of us secretly long for a fairy godmother or a genie who will grant us three wishes and remove all the suffering in the world? I know I do).

Stress is a complicated process that affects us on every level–physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Because of this, we need a holistic approach to build our resilience. It is best to work with all four levels but start wherever you know you are weakest, and build your stress-proof muscles one day at a time. Until the fairy godmother comes around, here are some lifelong practices that will help immunize you against stress.
_DSC4245Stress & the Body
Stress stimulates our fight/flight response, sending the signal to our bodies that we need to run for the hills or turn and face a threatening attacker. Our bodies rush with adrenaline and our heart rate quickens. What are the best tools to help the body recover?

Tip #1: Practice deep breathing and get regular exercise. The fastest way to calm down your nervous system is with your breath. Learn how to breathe from your belly. This is taught in yoga, in voice lessons, in self-hypnosis, and in instructional videos on line. No one thinks twice about brushing their teeth every day. If you practice self-relaxation or meditation for ten minutes twice a day for the rest of your life, you will be more able to remember how to calm your emotions when you need to do so quickly.


7 Warning Signs Of a Troubled Marriage

Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

100_0321aI’ve been counseling couples and families for over three decades and one thing stands out. Most people wait too long before they reach out for help…years too long. Problems that might have been solved in five to ten sessions become crises that break up perfectly good relationships.

Since only a precious few learned the necessary skills to weather the ups and downs of a long-term relationship, it is easy to slip into negative patterns of relating–either to oneself or to loved ones–or both.
What are the warning signs of problems that need to be addressed?
Sometimes the signs are glaring and obvious–domestic violence, high levels of conflict on a daily basis, serious addictions, repetitive infidelity–but far more often, problems seem to creep up on people a little bit at a time.

file0001309677526In a famous 19th Century science experiment, researchers described how if they put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it would quickly jump out, recognizing the danger instinctively. But if the frog was put in cold water that was heated to boiling very slowly, the frog had no idea of the trouble brewing. By the time the water was boiling, the frog was dead meat.

So it can be with dysfunctional families, marriages, or even organizations. It seems OK until suddenly it doesn’t.

Warning Sign #1: You are no longer warm or affectionate with your partner.

file1601299643113Happy loving couples look up from what they are doing and smile when their partner comes home from work. They touch one another with some frequency–a hug hello or goodbye, a hand on the shoulder or leg, a kiss goodnight, holding hands watching a movie, rubbing the back of the neck after a long day.

Some people try to defend their lack of physical warmth by saying it’s not how they are built but when you see them with their children, they touch and tussle, smile and cuddle. Often when affection begins to wane in a marriage, it is a symptom of unexpressed resentment that needs to …


Change Your Attitude & Life Will Follow

Monday, January 6th, 2014

PicCollage copy 2“They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.”  -Confucius

Each January, as the kids go back to school after winter break, after we have watched the ball drop in Times Square and rung in the new year, most of us can’t help but think about the ways we want the next year to be different–and better–than the last. What about you? Are there any bad habits you want to break or new goals that you have set for yourself?

If you are inspired to make some changes in yourself, your family or in other relationships, remember that even change for the better is stressful and discombobulating. As creatures of habit, we get used to the way things are–even when the status quo is no longer very appealing or sometimes downright awful.

Unfortunately, many people make New Year’s resolutions, fail to keep them, and then beat themselves up for failing. Sound familiar? Here’s some hints that may make you more successful in accomplishing your goals…
It All Starts with Attitudefile7181334521100
Do you remember the children’s story, The Little Engine That Could? When a red train full of cargo breaks down on the track, a little blue train takes it upon herself to attempt the difficult feat of pulling a load of toys over the mountain. She succeeds only when she tells herself, “I think I can, I think I can, and then delights in her success by saying to herself, “I thought I could, I thought I could!” The little engine models an empowering self-concept, fostering perseverance in the face of hardship.

When you are taught to believe in yourself, confronting an obstacle pushes you to try harder rather than giving up. If you think less of yourself, you will have trouble even getting started let alone persevering when the going gets tough. If you anticipate failure, why bother?

One way to change your attitude is to think about problems, setbacks, or obstacles as situations demanding attention and new strategies. When you hear yourself using the word “problem,” try …


Helping Yourself by Serving Others

Monday, December 23rd, 2013

file9021344553210“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”  -Mahatma Gandhi

“Let us make one point, that we meet each other with a smile, when it is difficult to smile. Smile at each other, make time for each other in your family.” ― Mother Teresa

This is the time, beginning with Thanksgiving and lasting through the arrival of the new year, that most people think not only about themselves but also about how to help others less fortunate. It is impossible to turn on the news without seeing the needs of others in your community or elsewhere in the world.

Given the difficult parts of the holiday season–extra things to do, children out of school wanting to be entertained, increased financial burdens, bigger crowds, more traffic, and what often feels like exponentially increased pressure from all directions–the attention turned to serving others can be one of the best parts of the season. It can also help you to pause and reflect on what you can be grateful for.

file9031300633696Acts of Service Can Be Great or Small

Everyone has something to give. A smile or kind words to a stranger, shoveling snow for your neighbor, soup for a shut-in. No money is required–only willingness to think of someone else. The most precious things we can give are our time, our attention, our touch, or simply our presence.

Even if you are depressed or lonely–or perhaps especially when life is difficult–doing something kind for someone else can take your attention away from yourself and your pain, if only for a moment. Seeing the suffering of others can also make you realize that you are not alone. Every family faces losses–the death of loved ones, the dissolving of relationships, the trials of aging.

From the time our children were toddlers, we went together as a family to sing at convalescent hospitals for the elderly. We always went on Christmas day because the people left were …


The ABC’s of Mental Health and Happiness

Monday, December 2nd, 2013

file0001244043169How well do you know your ABC’s of mental health and happiness? Let’s start at the very beginning–although you will see that the alphabet of skills below is really a circle that starts and ends wherever you are…

Awareness…because the first step in happiness is to become aware of what you are thinking, feeling, doing and projecting in the world. Awareness leads to authenticity–striving to be yourself, unique and precious, unlike anyone else on the planet.

Believe…not only in yourself and your capacity to grow but believe in something greater than yourself–whether that is God, ultimate enlightenment, the unity of nature, the laws of science, or the power of Love to transform people.

Communicate…with courage and compassion. Humans were given the gift of language and the capacity to invent alphabets in order to communicate our thoughts, feelings and desires.

Determination…is a necessary strength that can be cultivated. Mental well-being emerges from consistent effort and the daily practice of empowering attitudes and decisions.

Exercise and Eat well…since our bodies and minds are not separate from one another.

Family and Friendships... provide the social support that we need to combat despair and loneliness. Take time to develop and nurture relationships that bring you comfort and joy.

Gratitude…helps us change our attitude. Instead of feeling victimized by others and focusing on pain and suffering, when we remember to notice small things each day that to be grateful for, it gives our lives new perspective.

file3371253285836 Hobbies…help us cultivate broader interests, meet others, lose track of time and get in the flow of creativity.

Intention...sets the stage for our actions. Envision the kind of person you want to be, and make it your clear and firm intention to practice whatever skills and attitudes will help get you there.

Joy...helps every journey, however long and perilous. Like gratitude, it can be found in the smile of a stranger, the smell of fresh …


Create an Attitude of Gratitude

Monday, November 25th, 2013

file5991298749300“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.” – Albert Schweitzer

Schweitzer’s quote seemed especially timely given the arrival of the Thanksgiving holidays and this year’s rare convergence of Thanksgiving and the first day of Hanukkah, the Jewish festival of lights.

Both holidays are celebrations of religious freedom and of survival against all odds. Both remind us to be grateful to be alive and to have food on our table, since not everyone on our planet is so lucky. That being said, expressing thanks is both a universal urge and a crucial strength that can be cultivated, not just at Thanksgiving but on any day.

The world’s religious teachers, ancient philosophers, and indigenous people have spoken about the importance of gratitude for over a thousand years, seeing it as an important virtue to be cultivated and practiced. In religious traditions, the saying of grace before each meal is a way of thanking God for the food on your table.

file000458839787Most parents teach their children the “magic words” of saying “please” and “thank you”. We have always known intuitively that grateful people seem to be happier with their lives and also more able to confront life’s challenges.
The More the Better
Scientists were latecomers to this awareness. Only in the past ten years have researchers started to take a hard look at exactly how and why gratitude leads to increased health and happiness. Now, a growing body of research is emerging that verifies not only this but much more.

Psychologist Robert Emmons from the University of California at Davis is one of the prominent researchers on gratitude, now conducting highly focused, cutting-edge studies on the nature of gratitude, its causes, and its consequences. Many other researchers are following suit.

They have found that gratitude helps boost the immune system and is in itself a form of stress reduction. We are also learning that adversity can, paradoxically, bring an increase …


Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Our Brains Have Some Answers.

Monday, November 18th, 2013

file000960252474There are probably more books written, more movies made, and more opinions offered about love and relationships than just about anything else. From poets to scientists, everyone chimes in with an opinion. “Love is blind,” proclaims Chaucer, the poet, and Albert Einstein adds the warning, “You can’t blame gravity for falling in love”.

“Why, tell me why, do we fall in lo-ove?” goes the song, Do Fools Fall in Love?, first sung in 1956 by Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers (quite appropriate for the subject matter), further popularized by the Beach Boys in 1964, sung by Diana Ross in 1981, Missy Elliott in 1998, and The Overtones in 2010. That tells you something right there, doesn’t it? And the answer to the question posed by the song: a resounding yes, fools indeed fall in love.

No wonder we are obsessed with the subject. Fortunately, we are learning more about exactly what happens in the brain to explain our desire to meet, mate, and marry. One angle that explores the source of our obsession comes from anthropologist, Helen Fisher, who has been studying romantic love for thirty-five years and has most recently been a consultant for Match.com.
The Brain in Lovefile0001052648856
If you are interested in examining love from the point of view of both brain science and cultural anthropology, then you may be intrigued by the book, Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. The book’s authorHelen Fisher is a research professor in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University, and her work has examined marriage and divorce in 58 societies, adultery in 42 cultures, patterns of monogamy and desertion in birds and mammals, and gender differences in the brain and behavior.

At the core of her theory is the scientific study of three very different operating systems in the brain. Fisher’s work explores the chemical basis of love. from research conducted on subjects whose brains were scanned using functional MRI’s. The scans pinpointed the different effects of specific chemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin, proving that much of our …


8 Tips to Help You Laugh Your Way to Health and Happiness

Monday, October 21st, 2013

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.” -Kurt Vonnegut

If you are a parent, think about the first time your baby smiled at you–not the cute quirky face brought on by tummy problems–but the smile of recognition. How did it make you feel?

If you haven’t had this experience, remember a time that you belly laughed with a friend or watched a stupid pet trick on YouTube. If you still haven’t thought of something that makes you laugh, take a minute and watch this clip.

Clearly, we were born to laugh, and now we know that laughter can heal emotional wounds, protect us from the ravages of stress, and help us feel connected to others.
What Happens When We Laugh?file00047256199
Just as we know that anger creates a cascade of physiological reactions in our brain and body intended to help us survive, so does the expression of any emotion. It turns out that laughter (and tears, which often come together) brings about healing rather than harm to our bodies. How does it do this?

In the short term, a good case of the giggles relaxes the whole body, relieving physical tension and stress. Because we breathe more deeply, it stimulates our heart, lungs and muscles. Endorphins, the feel good hormones, get released by the brain giving us a temporary natural high. Our anxiety and fear lessen, and our mood can change quickly from upset to increased well-being.

In the long run, studies confirm that people who laugh on a regular basis have stronger immune systems, combatting the effects of daily stress. For those suffering from chronic pain, it serves as a natural painkiller. It has also been shown to lower the risk of heart disease and other cardiovascular problems. 
IMG_0738Laughing With Others Is Even Better
One of the …


How's Your Family Really Doing?
Don MacMannis, Ph.D. & Debra Machester MacMannis, MSW are the author of How's Your Family Really Doing?.

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