Depending of where you live, your kids have either been out of school for long enough to be making you crazy, or you’re looking at the calendar, wondering just what you’re going to do with all the time between now and when school starts again. Face it, summer is a mixed bag. For working parents who don’t get time off in the summer, it means an extra set of 30 hours to figure out how to keep your kids safe and occupied. (Families with a stay at home parent are now the minority–sixty per cent of families have both parents working outside the home.) So if you are feeling overly burdened, and more stressed than excited about summer, you are in good company.

So what’s a parent to do with all the free time kids get in the summer?  Here are some tips for more than just getting the kids out of your hair…
Tip #1: Remember that it is not your job to keep your child from ever experiencing boredom.
Boredom is an inevitable part of life, especially for children. It is also an important teacher. If you allow your kids to feel bored and you don’t immediately jump to “fix it” then your kids will learn how to find something to do for themselves. This is a skill that will benefit them for the rest of their lives. If your kids don’t know how to amuse themselves when alone, they will become more and more dependent on others to entertain them. Most of the greatest inventions and works of art were only completed by individuals who could spend countless hours alone.
Tip #2: Kids are hard-wired to learn.
Just watch a baby or young child. Children, in their healthiest states, are active, inquisitive, curious and playful. No one needs to beg them to play or to explore. Even if parents never applauded when their baby took a first step, you can be sure that toddler would keep walking nonetheless. This inborn motivation is critical to our survival, and underlies human …

Do you know what the number one answer is? Are you sure? Let’s be honest. Did you guess that men want more sex and that women want more help with the housework?

While certainly both of those claims are true for many, when men in self-described unhappy relationships are asked what they want most from their partners that they’re not getting, the first answer was communication and the second answer was affection. Exactly the same answers that the unhappy women answered!

When it came to the third answer, men said more sex and women more financial security. More sex was #4 on women’s list. So the surprisingly good news is that all of us want more of the same thing…more talking and listening. Although improving our communication can take hard work and commitment, at least we can be assured that this goal is both mutual and a deal-breaker for healthy relationships.
New Study on What is “Normal” in Relationships
This information and a lot more is now available thanks to Chrisanna Northrup and social science researchers, Pepper Schwartz and James Witte, who conducted an on-line survey of  more than 70,000 participants from around the world. The results, published in the new book, The Normal Bar, provide us with hard empirical evidence about what really goes on behind closed doors, not only in America but in Europe, Australia, Latin America and Asia. As Northrup discovered, ”Cultural stereotypes and the media’s fantasies of romance and lust have little to do with what really goes on in relationships, especially since conduct varies over time and across geographic boundaries.”

Although their study does indeed reveal some differences between men and women and across cultures which I will discuss in future blogs, the broad similarities are striking. Men and women in almost every country described communication as the biggest relationship issue. The only exception were the French respondents who ranked affection first and communication second. Go figure.

“Ultimately the bond of all companionship, whether in marriage or in friendship, is conversation.”  -Oscar Wilde

…

What do a 45-year-old professor, several well-educated parents, a retired psychotherapist, a concerned husband, and a college student all have in common? These are people suffering–or intimately connected to someone suffering–from clinical depression who didn’t know it.

How, in this day and age, with so much information available, is it possible that depression can still go undiagnosed and therefore untreated? Perhaps this is part of the reason why the blog “Depression Part Two” on Hyperbole and a Half  just went viral (besides how extraordinarily creative it is). Here are some reasons why smart people can miss the signs of depression:
1. Depression can creep up on you.
Not all depression is so severe that you can’t stop crying or get out of bed. For many people, the feelings of sadness manifest as a growing disinterest in life’s activities. What used to be fun or interesting seems unimportant or shallow. You don’t feel like going to your friend’s birthday party so you make up an excuse. You feel bored by the books or TV shows that used to appeal to you. You don’t notice how, little by little, you are pulling back from others, spending more time alone, locked in your room.
2. Depression seems to be a logical response to life’s challenges.
Since depression often worsens or can be triggered by loss or stress, you figure that you are responding appropriately to what is indeed a painful time in your life. You may have broken up with a boyfriend, had difficulties at work, done poorly on a school assignment, or moved away from a supportive environment. When you don’t snap out of it, even when your life circumstances appear to get better, you don’t realize that your negative mood state has persisted for months or even years. 
3. Some depression manifests as extraordinary irritability rather than sadness.
One of the most commonly misunderstood or overlooked manifestations of depression is hypersensitivity or irritability. People around you tell you that you are constantly cranky. You seem …

“Nature, we are starting to realize, is every bit as important as nurture. Genetic influences, brain chemistry, and neurological development contribute strongly to who we are as children and what we become as adults.” -Stanley Turecki, M.D.

Sue and Alan Richardson are like so many other distressed parents who reach out to our counseling clinic. They have three kids. Two have been launched successfully, and they have warm relationships and good communication. Sue and Alan are devastated because one of their kids, now 19, is such a problem. Samantha struggled with depression beginning in junior high, rages at them on occasion, tried to make it at college but couldn’t stand the pressure, and has bounced back home again. What went wrong? They parented all three kids similarly but Samantha was always more difficult and highly sensitive.

Stopping the Blame Game

Parents often get blamed or blame themselves for any problem that shows up in their children. We now know that every baby is born with certain innate inherited characteristics or temperament. Temperament is, by definition, the part of a child’s personality that is not caused by good or bad parenting. Built-in traits will affect each child’s style of interacting with people, places and things throughout their lifetime. The research validates what many parents knew intuitively all along. Some babies are easy, and some are more challenging. Because it is almost taboo to say something negative about one child or to compare your kids, many parents don’t get the support that they need when struggling with a more difficult child.

The Nature Vs. Nurture Debate

The debate about just how much of our behavior and personality is genetic vs. environmental, or nature vs. nurture, has raged on for the last hundred years. Twenty or thirty years ago, in an ongoing effort to understand why people behave in certain ways, both good and bad, researchers focused more on the nurture side, examining things like the family environment or types of parenting that were correlated with problems or resiliency in children. In the past ten …

“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.”  ~John Muir

In my last blog on the growing numbers of kids being diagnosed with ADHD, I wondered out loud about the potential negative effects in our modern culture of things like: too much time spent indoors, too little sun and exercise, too many electronics, and not enough sleep. Rather than dwell on the causes of our problems, let’s consider what we can do to reduce the impact of stress on the lives of both adults and children. Not from a medical psychiatric perspective, but from the perspective of everyday life.

Ask yourself this question: Do you or your kids suffer from Nature-Deficit Disorder?

This wonderful name was coined by journalist Richard Louv with the publication of Last Child in the Woods. His newest book, The Nature Principle: Human Restoration and the End of Nature-Deficit Disorder, offers a new vision of the future, in which our lives are equally immersed in nature and in technology.

What do we already know about the positive effects of time spent outdoors, immersed in nature?

Rachel and Stephen Kaplan, environmental psychologists from the University of Michigan, are internationally known for their research on the effect of nature on people’s relationships and health.The Kaplans got involved in studying the effects of nature back in the 1970s, and since then have done extensive research on “restorative environments” to understand the psychological benefits of time spent in nature and what types of natural environments stimulate health and reduce stress.

In order to work or study efficiently, we need to maintain focused attention on the task at hand–something that everyone struggles with–most especially those with Attention Deficit Disorder or ADHD. Too much focused attention can lead to mental fatigue and increased stress. One remedy for this fatigue is exposure to nature. The wilder the better, but even a little bit helps. Office workers with a view of nature are happier and healthier at work; kids do better academically; hospital …

I have spent countless hours in deep discussion with both parents and professionals questioning why so many kids are being diagnosed these days with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit with Hyperactivity (ADHD). Is there some causal contributor in our food or environment? Is it due to changes in parenting practices? School environments? The increase in technology in everyday life? The lobbying power of drug companies? All of the above?

What Are the Facts?

The number of American children leaving doctors’ offices with an attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) diagnosis has risen 66% in 10 years, according to a Northwestern study. ”The magnitude and speed of this shift in one decade is likely due to an increased awareness of ADHD,” explains first author Craig Garfield, M.D., perhaps causing more physicians to diagnose the disorder. Researchers also found that psychostimulants have remained the most common medication, prescribed to 87% of children with ADHD in 2010.

No matter what the reason, it is frightening to think about.  Not only are kids being given psychiatric medications at younger ages, more young adults than ever before are now taking ADHD medications, usually powerful and addictive amphetamines like Adderall. In the past four years, IMS Health reported that the number of monthly prescriptions has more than doubled for Americans ages 20 to 39. The use and abuse of stimulants is on the rise.

Far too many kids, once 18 and away from home, decide on their own to get a prescription. Certainly some of these kids have legitimate difficulty keeping up with their studies because of real attention problems. Countless others look up the symptoms on the web and act the part. A 2010 study  by researchers at the University of Kentucky compared two groups of college students– those diagnosed with ADHD and others with faked symptoms–and found they were indistinguishable on the standard tests typically given. Once your kids become adults, there is nothing much that parents can do. But, is there anything you can do NOW to stem the tide? I think so.

What Can Parents …

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“Too many people spend money they earned..to buy things they don’t want..to impress people that they don’t like.”                                    -Will Rogers

Sally and Smitty brought their two kids, Hilary, age 13, and Justin, age 10. The parents were constantly fighting with the kids and each other about money. We talked not only about how this family made decisions about money but also about what Sally and Smitty had learned in each of their families growing up. In Sally’s family, money had been the main instrument that her father had used to control both his wife and the kids. When her dad was pleased, he bought her whatever she wanted, and when he was angry, he was a tightwad. In Smitty’s family, there was never enough money. His parents amassed huge debts, constantly bought things they could not afford, and were even now trying to borrow money from Smitty. When Hilary and Justin made impassioned demands for the latest fashion items or video games, Smitty always said no and Sally wanted to say yes. Sound familiar? Disagreements about money–how hard you should work, how much you should save or spend, and who gets to make the decisions about it–are often the cause of conflict in families. What are some of the important lessons that parents should be teaching their kids about money? What do you wish that you had learned as a child about money that could have saved you a lot of time and trouble?
#1 Start teaching your kids about the connection between work and money when they are little. Money does not grow on trees.
Start by giving your child an allowance when they are as young as six years old. Make it clear what kinds of expenditures the money is for. Some parents link allowance money to household chores. The disadvantage of this strategy is that kids get the message that they should be paid to help out. I think …

Mr. and Mrs. Harrison called to request family therapy after their 13-year old son called Child Protective Services. When a social worker arrived at their home on a quiet suburban street, Mrs. H was horrified and embarrassed. What Billy called abuse was his parents’ seizing of his Xbox after they caught him playing at 1 a.m. on a school night. When he refused to hand it over voluntarily, his father grabbed the machine and threatened to throw it out the window. 

What Ever Happened to My Sweet Child?

Although power struggles between children and parents are a normal and predictable part of social and emotional development, they typically escalate when children start to grow into teenagers. The strength of some teens’ emotional reactions blow their parents away. Just as power surges occasionally knock out your home’s electricity, creating at least temporary havoc, so can these emotional outbursts bring normal life to a sudden halt.

The sudden intensity of power struggles often come as a shock to parents raising their first teenager. Sometimes the first kid glides through adolescence with very little drama but the second-born makes the challenge. Emotions escalate and often cruel words are spoken on both sides. Kids accuse parents of being mean, unfair, crazy, out of touch…parents call their kids selfish, disrespectful, lazy and disobedient. Is there any way to avoid the pain, the guilt, and the worry of this stage of development?

The Unpredictable Effects of Hormones

Unfortunately, the answer is yes and no. Some of the reason that power struggles can escalate to new levels has to do with the biology of adolescence itself. As boys (starting anywhere between 9 and 15) and girls (starting anywhere between 7 and 13) move into and through puberty, they have their own internal surges to contend with–namely the flood of hormones necessary to ensure normal development. Because of hormones, your son or daughter will have stronger emotions than ever before, feeling overly sensitive, highly anxious or becoming easily upset.

Although it can be difficult for everyone involved to deal …

“Everything is a battle and we can’t stand it any more.”  These are the first words spoken by Sylvia, mother of two, and her husband quickly agreed. “We can’t get the kids to school on time, get them to turn off their electronic devices, do their homework, or go to bed without resistance and stalling. Can you help us?”

If this sounds like your house, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And the answer does not have to involve spanking, shouting, nagging, criticizing or coercing. Although power struggles between parents and their children are exceedingly normal–especially in adolescence–they should not be the norm of everyday life. What’s a parent to do and why do we get into power struggles in the first place?

A crucial component in the development of a healthy personality is gaining a sense of autonomy.

Starting around the age of two, children demonstrate their desire for increased independence by discovering the power of the word “NO!” and “mine”. Toddlers have a strong desire to figure things out for themselves, and when they succeed, they gain a sense of self-confidence and self-control. This stage has come to be known as “the terrible twos” because it can take parents by surprise when their sweet baby begins to have a mind of her own. In truth, it would be terrible if this stage didn’t happen.

Power struggles stem from a natural urge in children to have control over their choices.

Too many parents interpret their child’s resistance as defiance or lack of respect for authority. This sounds pretty bad, doesn’t it? In fact, when a parent thinks about resistant behavior in this way, it makes it far more likely that the parent will react to the kid’s non-compliance with an overly intense emotional response such as increased annoyance and anger. When setting limits with kids, the less emotional the better. By asserting himself, your child is building a stronger, more separate self. Kids need to learn to be independent by practicing how to stand …

“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws?” -Elizabeth Gilbert

Myth #1: If we have fallen out of love, it means we can never get it back.

Far too often in my role as a psychotherapist, I have sat with couples in distress because one of them reports that he or she is no longer “in love”, and therefore must leave the relationship to find a more perfect love with someone else. Or the rejected partner tells the other to go ahead and leave, convinced that love, once lost, cannot be rekindled. How tragic that we have been so filled with images of romantic love that we think of it as something outside of our control. We wait for love, like a giant bird, to descend from some distant landscape and settle in our branches once again.

Myth #2: If we have fallen out of love, it means we married the wrong person.

This destructive myth makes many believe that love, once set into motion, will carry us along through the complexities of life, if only we are lucky enough, or if we choose the right person. Not so, since conflict, disagreement, hardship and misunderstandings are inevitable in every close relationship. To build a strong, lasting relationship, love is better thought of as a verb not a noun. Love is hard work and includes all of the ten keys described in How’s Your Family Really Doing? 10 Keys to a Happy Loving Family. This means learning things like how to listen deeply to one another, how to understand each other’s point of view, how to respect differences, argue constructively, and to forgive each other’s mistakes.

Myth 3#: If the romance and sex have disappeared, we should just accept the inevitable…the spark goes out over time.

If you talk to …