“There exists, for everyone, a sentence – a series of words – that has the power to destroy you. Another sentence exists, another series of words, that could heal you. If you’re lucky you will get the second, but you can be certain of getting the first.”                                                                                            -Author Philip K. Dick

It will probably come as no surprise that I have been writing since I could put pen to paper–that’s my bias. That being said, I’m not sure what I would have done without it. In my teen years and early adulthood when I would never (and did never) set foot in a therapy office, I created a safe space in my journals to express everything I couldn’t talk about. Years later, when I began my journey of self-exploration and healing in early adulthood, I was able to reflect with new eyes on everything I had written. What had I learned, if anything, and what was I supposed to learn from the lessons life was giving me?

If you are not in therapy because you don’t believe in it, can’t afford it, or it’s against your religion, writing may help you. If you are in therapy, writing may help you deepen your experience and make yourself the hero of your journey. If you are a parent, and want to know how to help your child deal with the recent traumas from Boston or Newtown, here are some ideas. What is the story you tell yourself about your life and what do you want it to be?

The Health Benefits of Writing

There is now a considerable body of research showing how powerful it can be to …

“You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces – my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined.”                                             -Elizabeth Edwards

Life isn’t always easy. It’s not a bed of roses. The journey inevitably includes suffering, for some far more than for others. Most of us have known good people who have not been able to withstand the pain of existence and have succumbed to drugs and alcohol, acts of violence, and even deep despair and suicide.

But, at the same time, there have always been heroes–strong men and women who have overcome hardship and risen to greatness. There are examples of strength and resilience in every walk of life–athletes, artists, politicians, whistle-blowers, game-changers. There are also the unacknowledged heroes among us–people who will never be rich or famous but who were there as role models, facing life with grace and courage.

One important way to teach our kids how to be resilient is by studying and celebrating our heroes. What can they teach us?

1. Reach out to others.

At times of loss and trauma, most people feel alone. Just knowing that others have gone through whatever hardship we are currently facing can provide hope and comfort. This is why support groups are so effective. In 2010, researchers at Brigham Young University and the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill examined every research paper on the relationship of social relationships and health, involving more than 300,000 men and women. They found that those with poor social connections had on average 50% higher odds of death in the study’s follow-up period (an average of 7.5 years) than people with more social ties.

2. Notice and celebrate the gifts that you are receiving.

A crucial …

“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.” -Daniel Goleman

As a psychotherapist, I am constantly struck by how little the average person knows about emotions– both why we have them in the first place and what we are to do about them when they cause us pain and suffering. It seems as though half of humanity wishes they could do without them–and they try very hard to avoid or suppress any painful feeling that comes along. The emotion-avoiding types say things like, “I don’t want to talk about it because then I’d  feel sad,” or “It won’t change anything to get angry, so why bother…”

The other half, the emotionally dramatic as-if-on-a-roller-coaster type, seems to honor their emotions, giving them not just a voice but the whole driver’s seat. These folks say things like, “I can’t do that when I don’t feel like it,” or “I can’t possibly change the way that I feel since it is who I am.” If given too much weight, feelings can be used to blame or shame others or to justify inappropriate behavior.

As clinical psychologist and Buddhist practitioner Daniel Goleman so aptly reminds us, feelings are an essential part of our humanity, and we need to learn how to work with them so they don’t get the best of us. As infants, our emotions helped communicate our needs to our caregivers, and as adults they still help us to know what we like and don’t like. They are essential in order for us to be able to empathize and have compassion for ourself and others. The trick is how to find the balance between too much expression and too little. For most of us, this is a lifelong process. Here is a way to begin.

First, ask yourself which one of these two tendencies are you most likely to exhibit? Are you able to express your emotions? When was …

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
― George Bernard Shaw

When I see couples or families in therapy, improving communication is often the first goal. Most people, convinced that they are already good communicators, quickly discover that many of their skills need honing. Effective communication can be far more difficult than any of us first imagined. I am constantly shocked and reminded just how easy it is to hurt or be hurt by our loved ones due to correctable misunderstandings. What are some of the most common mistakes all of us make?

One of the most universal communication errors in our relationships with our parents, partners, and children is that we are tempted to speak without thinking first. This is understandable because we are typically less guarded with people we feel close to. The downside of having this increased freedom of expression is that we often blurt things that we would never even dream of saying out loud to a friend or colleague.

Hence, Tip #1: Engage your brain before you open your mouth, and ask yourself if anyone will really be served by what you are about to say. The old adage “some things are better left unsaid” happens to be true. Healthy families are lavish when it comes to sharing positive words and more restrained and deliberate when it comes to delivering negative feedback.

The  second most common error is that we assume that the other person actually understands precisely what we have communicated. Unfortunately, this is very often not the case. Tip #2: The more important the information being communicated, the more we need to slow down, taking ample time to make sure that the message we are sending is the same one that our loved one is receiving. The best remedy for this (besides making your communications short and to the point) is to learn how to paraphrase and make a habit of asking the listener what they heard. I know that this may sound incredibly tedious, boring, and unnatural–which it will be until you get better at it. Difficult as this may be at first, the …

“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.”    -Winston Churchill

“Set your heart on doing good. Do it over and over again, and you will be filled with joy.”      -Gautama Buddha

This is the time, beginning with Thanksgiving and lasting through the arrival of the new year, that most people think not only about themselves but also about how to help others less fortunate. Given the difficult parts of the holiday season–extra things to do, children out of school wanting to be entertained, increased financial burdens, bigger crowds, more traffic, and what often feels like exponentially increased pressure from all directions–the attention turned to serving others can be one of the best parts of the season.

From the time our children were toddlers, we went together as a family to sing at convalescent hospitals for the elderly. We always went on Christmas day because the people left that day were often all alone, without loved ones visiting. Some were silent and looked like they were dead, while others cried and clung to us when we approached their beds. Some spoke gibberish, and many didn’t smell very good.                              

Our children were at times very afraid and hid behind us or begged not to go, and at other ages were more curious, comfortable, and open-hearted. They learned first by watching, singing from a distance as we held people’s hands, stroked their hair, and wiped their tears. Every year our family shared the miracle of watching perfect strangers, fellow human beings, come alive and smile or weep at the touch of a hand, the sight of a child, or the ring of a familiar song.

No matter what the age of your children, there are many wonderful books that can inspire you and your family to find ways to give back in your community. One of the gentle souls who taught children (and adults) about many positive values such …

“If the only prayer you said in your whole life was thank you, that would suffice.”    -Meister Eckhart

When Thanksgiving arrives each year,  just as the number of turkeys, stuffing mixes, green beans, and cranberries seem to grow exponentially, so do the conversations about gratitude. It is perhaps why it is one of everyone’s favorite holidays. The lucky ones among us feast together on wonderful food, surrounded by friends and family, and say thanks for life, for health, and for one another. No wonder we usually feel so happy!

Although Thanksgiving as a national holiday is a specifically American and Canadian tradition, it is actually celebrated all over the globe by many different names and types of rituals. Thanksgiving is the North American version of ancient harvest celebrations that have taken place for thousands of years wherever crops were reaped and sowed. Think of the Festival of the Harvest Moon in China or the yam festival in Ghana, Africa, or the Chu Suk in Korea. Expressing thanks is a universal urge and a human strength that can be cultivated, not just at Thanksgiving but on any day.

“When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength. Give thanks for your food and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies in yourself.”   -Tecumseh, Shawnee leader

But scientists were latecomers to this awareness. Only in the past ten years have researchers started to take …

We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness.” -Ellen Goodman

In spite of the headlines revealing the breakdowns and sordid secrets inside the marriages of the rich and famous, most Americans who tie the knot seem to have bought the prevailing myth of romantic love. None of us like to think of ourselves as one of them (those lying, cheating, no-good married types). No, as the song goes, our love is here to stay.

What is the harm, you might ask, in basking in the honeymoon love-will-conquer-all phase? The problem is that the expectations of marriage, when blown up to mythical proportions, leave couples believing they have failed when the proverbial stuff hits the fan. In truth, conflict and suffering come with the package, and can strengthen the trust and bond if the couple has the right tools to work with.

Far too often in my role as a psychotherapist, I have sat with couples in distress because one of them reports that he or she is no longer “in love”, and therefore must leave the relationship to find a more perfect love with someone else. Or the rejected partner tells the other to go ahead and leave, convinced that love, once lost, cannot be rekindled. How tragic that we have been so filled with images of romantic love that we think of it as something outside of our control. We wait for love, like a giant bird, to descend from some distant landscape and settle in our branches once again.

This destructive myth makes many believe that love, once set into motion, will carry us along through the complexities of life, if only we are lucky enough, or if we choose the right person. Not so, since conflict, disagreement, hardship and misunderstandings are inevitable in every close relationship. To build a strong, lasting relationship, love is better thought of as a verb not a noun.     …

I was thinking about how to celebrate World Mental Health Day today. If I could make a wish that might make the world better for people suffering from mental illness, what would my wish be?

I’m not sure why but my thoughts landed on the ways that mental illness has been portrayed in TV and film. What if we could spread the word about the lessons from the 2007 film, Lars and the Real Girl…

For those of you who don’t know, this sweet, quirky film is the story of a young man suffering from some obvious yet undiagnosed type of psychological disorder that gets in the way of his forming relationships with his peers. He still has all the normal desires of anyone his age but can’t muster up the courage to ask someone for a date. Instead, he orders an anatomically correct sex doll named Bianca and introduces her as his girlfriend to the puzzled community.

I don’t want to spoil the film for anyone who hasn’t seen it. What is touching about the film–and what could inspire people to see beyond a person’s apparent disabilities–is how the whole town treats Lars with gentleness and loving kindness, welcoming Bianca into the community with open arms as though she were a real girl. In order to love and support Lars just as he is, the townspeople generously include her in their daily lives and activities.

Little by little, by being accepted rather than ridiculed or shunned, Lars begins interacting more with people. Not surprisingly, he begins to join the real world of the community. Just as Hillary Clinton raised the notion that it takes a whole village to raise a child, it takes a loving community to support those among us who need extra love and understanding. That is my wish for today.

“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”  -Rumi

Everyone makes mistakes. Lots of them, big and small. Even the people you love and look up to. In healthy, loving families, parents teach kids to learn from  mistakes and keep moving forward. Unfortunately, many of us were punished or ridiculed for mistakes. We came to believe that being self-critical might help us do better the next time. This often backfires. We feel ashamed of ourselves and our self-despair and negative opinion of ourselves only grows bigger.

A growing body of research about the effectiveness of practicing self-compassion brings new light to this dark landscape. But how exactly can someone learn how to be more loving towards themselves? If you are a parent and you want to give your child the gift of self-compassion, the first step is to learn how to be more kind and gentle with yourself first. Here are some ways to practice.

First, begin by noticing the times you are most self-critical. Each of us has a voice inside that says negative things to and about us. What does yours sound like? What does it get on your back about? Does it say things like: You are so stupid. How could you have done that! You are mean and selfish and no one really likes you. You will never amount to anything. You are too fat. You are too skinny. You are lazy. You are always so insensitive. Get the idea?

It helps to write down what the inner critic says about you. It is usually a very black and white perspective. Since very few people are always selfish and never kind, it paints a one-dimensional picture of you. Sometimes just taking this first step is a big eye-opener. I have had clients come back after one week of listening to their critical voice and exclaim to me, “I would never talk to my greatest enemy that way!” or “I realized that I was telling myself …

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”   -Buddha

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself.”   -The Gospel of Mark

Compassion, or the deep awareness of the suffering of others coupled with the desire to alleviate it, is in our nature. It is hard-wired into the brain so that we tend to our babies when they cry, or help an elderly person cross the street, or feel sad when our family members have a bad day. It is also something that can be consciously developed. All the world religions encourage us to be more loving–even to our enemies–and to practice kindness through acts of service.

Most of us have been taught far less about the importance of having compassion for ourselves. A newly emerging set of research studies have demonstrated that having self-compassion has many benefits. These include reducing self-criticism, lowering stress hormones, increasing our capacity to comfort ourselves, increasing our resiliency in the face of life’s challenges, and helping us heal from difficult childhoods.

A person high in self-compassion sees his or her problems, weaknesses, and shortcomings accurately, yet reacts with kindness and compassion rather than with harsh judgment. What exactly is self-compassion and how is it different from self-esteem?

First, in order to have self-compassion, you need to start with self-awareness. Self-awareness is the ability to see yourself clearly. Are you aware of what you are thinking, feeling and doing at any given time? Do you know what your strengths and weaknesses are? Do you know how others see you and would describe you? People with high levels of self-compassion are not full of themselves. They are aware of the parts of themselves that they value as well as the parts of themselves that they don’t like as much.

Self-compassion is not simply high self-esteem and, in fact, has some crucial differences. The field of psychology has recently awakened to the realization that simply increasing our kids self-esteem through constant praise has actually created some serious problems in our culture.

Baumeister and colleagues summarized what are now considered the myths of self-esteem’s benefits. …