Psych Central

Communication Articles

6 Tips for Breaking the Blame Barrier

Monday, March 31st, 2014

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAHardly a day ever goes by when I don’t hear someone blaming someone for something. It is one of the most common–and one of the most frustrating patterns that confront couples and families. Blame can destroy a good marriage, wreak havoc on our friendships, and put innocent kids in the middle of their parents’ arguments.

Not only are families besieged by this destructive pattern, the whole culture is mired in it. We blame the President; the Democrats blame the Republicans and vice versa; women blame men; consumers blame companies; patients blame their doctors. The dance goes on and on all around us. Is there any way to break through the blame barrier and why should we even attempt to do so?

file0001915505944Here’s what it sounds like? Sound familiar?

  • “You never listen to me. If you had just listened, you would have remembered what time we were meeting.”
  • “You started that whole thing with your brother. One of you always gets hurt when you rough house like that.”
  • “If you stopped nagging me all the time, I would want to ask you for a date night.”

So Why Do We Blame Others?
file000390505026If blaming is so universal, there must be some reason for it. In fact, there are loads of reasons to blame someone else for things that go wrong.

We actually believe that we are right. Since the time human beings lived together in tribes and villages, there had to be laws to govern our behavior. Rules and laws are typically black and white with a right and a wrong answer. You are guilty or not guilty of a crime. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, we simply apply this black and white reasoning (whether or not it is helpful or endearing) to our partner or child’s behavior.

We are blind to our side of an interaction. Most all of us are trained to see the world in a linear sequence: A causes B. In …


Unhappy Relationships and Depression Go Hand in Hand

Monday, February 10th, 2014

file4801310649783“What is the opposite of two? A lonely me. A lonely you.” -Richard Wilbur

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

The TV ads would have all of us believe that the best cure for depression is the latest and greatest medication. First it was Prozac and now it’s Pristiq and Abilify. Although medication is a life saver for many, for others the side effects are too debilitating, and the meds don’t seem to help enough anyway.

Study after study has shown that the best treatment for depression includes some form of psychotherapy. Once again, there is always the cure du jour–right now it is cognitive behavioral (CBT or DBT). Nothing wrong with that. It’s just that something is missing from the information.

Your doctor or family may have told you (if you are the depressed one) to get help. What you haven’t been told is to make sure you do some counseling with your spouse, your children, and/or your family as well. Here’s why this missing information is so important…

file1871264468042It is More Than Just Social Support

Psychotherapists have long known that social support is crucial–not only when the patient suffers from depression but with any physical or emotional illness or disability. When you visit your doctor for your annual check-up, how often are you asked about the quality of your relationships? We now know that this is even more important than we thought.

A new study by Alan Teo and his team in the Psychiatry Department of the University of Michigan conducted a ten-year follow-up of almost 5000 adults aged 25-75 to determine just how big a part relationship factors played in the risk of developing depression years later. Their conclusion: the magnitude of the impact of social relationship quality on risk for depression is as strong as the effect of biological risk factors (like obesity, smoking, high blood pressure) for cardiovascular disease.


7 Warning Signs Of a Troubled Marriage

Tuesday, January 21st, 2014

100_0321aI’ve been counseling couples and families for over three decades and one thing stands out. Most people wait too long before they reach out for help…years too long. Problems that might have been solved in five to ten sessions become crises that break up perfectly good relationships.

Since only a precious few learned the necessary skills to weather the ups and downs of a long-term relationship, it is easy to slip into negative patterns of relating–either to oneself or to loved ones–or both.
What are the warning signs of problems that need to be addressed?
Sometimes the signs are glaring and obvious–domestic violence, high levels of conflict on a daily basis, serious addictions, repetitive infidelity–but far more often, problems seem to creep up on people a little bit at a time.

file0001309677526In a famous 19th Century science experiment, researchers described how if they put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it would quickly jump out, recognizing the danger instinctively. But if the frog was put in cold water that was heated to boiling very slowly, the frog had no idea of the trouble brewing. By the time the water was boiling, the frog was dead meat.

So it can be with dysfunctional families, marriages, or even organizations. It seems OK until suddenly it doesn’t.

Warning Sign #1: You are no longer warm or affectionate with your partner.

file1601299643113Happy loving couples look up from what they are doing and smile when their partner comes home from work. They touch one another with some frequency–a hug hello or goodbye, a hand on the shoulder or leg, a kiss goodnight, holding hands watching a movie, rubbing the back of the neck after a long day.

Some people try to defend their lack of physical warmth by saying it’s not how they are built but when you see them with their children, they touch and tussle, smile and cuddle. Often when affection begins to wane in a marriage, it is a symptom of unexpressed resentment that needs to …


Where Does the Time Go? 5 Tips to Conscious Connection

Monday, December 9th, 2013

file0001853328862“What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life—to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories.”  –George Eliot

The wish to seek and have a deep sense of family connection and commitment is universal. Ask people what is most important to them and their first answer is always the same–their family. In healthy families, there is a sense of cohesion or family togetherness. Without it, we feel more like strangers than kin.

What gives families a strong sense of connection?

The answer is very simple although often a challenge. We must spend quality time together, just hanging out, or if separated by geography, spend time talking and listening to one another. We need to know that we can count on each other for the relationship to be close. In research on happy loving families, sharing time together is made a priority to build trust and intimacy.

One of my favorite times to talk to my mother is when I am chopping vegetables for dinner with my headset on. We take those minutes to share details of our day, and my mom always asks me what’s for dinner. My husband has long weekly talks with his mom who lives out of town when he goes on hikes to get his exercise.It often helps to schedule talking and listening time in whatever schedule “book” you use, committing yourself to family time instead of slipping into the habit of watching TV, computer surfing, video gaming or answering one more email.

What are the benefits of spending quality time with loved ones?

Only by making the time to share the details of our daily lives as well as our successes, hardships, dreams and disappointments can we reap the rewards of our intimate bonds. Researchers at Brigham Young University analyzed results from 148 studies from the last century and found that social support not only makes us happier to be alive but also literally adds to our longevity, increasing our survival by 50 percent.file50e9dcb10fdd0

Another important ritual for spending regular time together is …


The ABC’s of Mental Health and Happiness

Monday, December 2nd, 2013

file0001244043169How well do you know your ABC’s of mental health and happiness? Let’s start at the very beginning–although you will see that the alphabet of skills below is really a circle that starts and ends wherever you are…

Awareness…because the first step in happiness is to become aware of what you are thinking, feeling, doing and projecting in the world. Awareness leads to authenticity–striving to be yourself, unique and precious, unlike anyone else on the planet.

Believe…not only in yourself and your capacity to grow but believe in something greater than yourself–whether that is God, ultimate enlightenment, the unity of nature, the laws of science, or the power of Love to transform people.

Communicate…with courage and compassion. Humans were given the gift of language and the capacity to invent alphabets in order to communicate our thoughts, feelings and desires.

Determination…is a necessary strength that can be cultivated. Mental well-being emerges from consistent effort and the daily practice of empowering attitudes and decisions.

Exercise and Eat well…since our bodies and minds are not separate from one another.

Family and Friendships... provide the social support that we need to combat despair and loneliness. Take time to develop and nurture relationships that bring you comfort and joy.

Gratitude…helps us change our attitude. Instead of feeling victimized by others and focusing on pain and suffering, when we remember to notice small things each day that to be grateful for, it gives our lives new perspective.

file3371253285836 Hobbies…help us cultivate broader interests, meet others, lose track of time and get in the flow of creativity.

Intention...sets the stage for our actions. Envision the kind of person you want to be, and make it your clear and firm intention to practice whatever skills and attitudes will help get you there.

Joy...helps every journey, however long and perilous. Like gratitude, it can be found in the smile of a stranger, the smell of fresh …


Has Contempt Crept into Your Communications? Watch Out!

Monday, November 11th, 2013

file000453698099Contempt is a relationship killer. It can and does destroy marriages. It can wound a child’s self image, poison the workplace, and push your friends away.

If you don’t know exactly what I mean by contempt, it is disdain for another, openly acting patronizing, insulting, and disrespectful. Contempt is criticism with a twist. When I have contempt for another, I put myself above them. It is criticism with a holier-than-thou attitude mixed in.

Who could possibly act this way? The answer is: we all do. Hopefully, not very much.

On the other hand, if you grew up in a family where your parents had lots of contempt for each other or for people who were different-racially, politically, religiously, ethnically-then you probably picked up this bad habit without even knowing it. If you want, as most of us do, to have close, loving relationships, it is essential that you know about contempt, and that you do your best to eliminate it from your arsenal of emotional weapons.

Many of the couples that come to me for therapy love one another and are trying to practice good communication. They usually have no idea how often contempt creeps into their relationship, particularly in times of disagreement and difficulty. Or how much damage it can do to an otherwise happy marriage.
The Face of Contemptfile3431234958311
The psychologist Paul Eckman is probably one of the world’s foremost experts on human emotions and how they can be seen in facial expressions and body language. (If this interests you, watch reruns of the TV series Lie to Me, based on the application of Eckman’s research to uncover liars).

Eckman studied contempt in both Western and non-Western cultures around the world, and believes it is universally communicated in the same way. When a person feels contempt for another, the corner of the lip on one side of the face is tightened and raised slightly and the head is tilted slightly back. It is even easier to spot when it is accompanied by the rolling of eyes.

Eckman classifies contempt as …


Honesty Rules: 10 Steps to Get There

Monday, November 4th, 2013

file1331246481918If you ask parents to name the most important values that they want to instill in their children, honesty is almost always high on the list. The same is true of qualities that we look for in a mate or close friend. In order to build trust, we need to believe in someone’s word. How many times have you asked a loved one, “Please, just tell me the truth…”

If your goal is to build honesty and discourage lying in your children, what’s the best way to do it? If you do catch your child in a lie, what should you do then?

The answer is not so simple. Indeed, it depends a great deal on the age of your child, the type of lie being told and the motives behind it. In the last blog, we explored the when, where, and why and just how often kids lie. The first step in dealing with lying–or any other troublesome behavior–is to know what is normal given the age of your child. Bright, lovable (normal) kids lie–first as a way of avoiding punishment but eventually learning how to lie to be liked and accepted by others and to avoid hurting someone’s feelings.

Step #1: Remind yourself that children who tell lies are not bad–they are simply afraid of getting in trouble or making someone angry at them.

Take a deep breath and wait until you can respond calmly. Blowing up at your child can backfire. It gives the behavior a lot of attention (even if it’s negative).file0002043339321

Step #2: Don’t press your child to confess or act like a private investigator trying to catch someone.

Usually you know that your child has done something wrong and then has lied about it. For example, your older child takes a toy away from the baby and then denies it; or your daughter eats cookies before dinner when you told her not to; or your son has not finished doing homework but starts playing video games which is against your rules.

Step #3: …


Is Your Child Acting Spoiled? 4 Tips for Parents of Toddlers to Teens

Monday, September 9th, 2013

file0001350794896Does your child whine too much of the time?

Are you delighted that school has started again, and your child is out of your hair for a few quiet hours?

Is “NO!” her favorite word?

Does he continue to throw temper tantrums long after the terrible two’s should have passed?

Does she keep demanding what she wants until it drives you crazy?

If you have answered yes to any or all of these questions, I have a few suggestions for you, depending on the age of your child. If you are the parent of a new baby or toddler, The Happiest Toddler on the Block: How to Eliminate Tantrums and Raise a Patient, Respectful, and Cooperative One- to Four-Year -Oldby Dr. Harvey Karp is a good place to start.

Harvey Karp, MD., is an assistant professor of pediatrics at the UCLA School of Medicine, and a parent himself. He helps parents understand the world from the point of view of the toddler, using the metaphor that toddlers are little cave people with undeveloped language and logic, ruled primarily by their emotions and basic needs. They will do whatever they can to get what they want–as long as you, the adult, allow them to.

Tip #1: Don’t take things that your child says or does personally. Toddlers are works in progress.
Choose Your Battles Wiselyfile000201850236
Karp divides toddler behavior into three categories: “green light” behaviors, which are positive and should be encouraged; “yellow light” behaviors, which are the annoying but not completely unacceptable things toddlers do; and “red light” behaviors which are unacceptable because they are either dangerous or they disobey a key family rule.With great humor and a gentle touch, Dr. Karp gives specific suggestions for encouraging the positive and eliminating the negative behaviors common to this stage.

Tip #2: Know what you can and should expect from your child at any given stage of development.

Ask your pediatrician, your child’s teacher or other parents if you are in doubt about what is “normal”. For birth to age 5, …


Healthy, Wealthy & Wise? 5 Myths About Rich Kids

Monday, August 26th, 2013

file0001246104116

“The love of family and the admiration of friends is much more important than wealth or privilege.” -Charles Kuralt

Myth #1: Kids from wealthy families have fewer emotional and behavioral problems.

It is well known from decades of research that children growing up in harsh, dangerous and impoverished neighborhoods are at considerably higher risk for emotional and behavioral problems. What is less well known is that children from well educated, upper middle class families are similarly at risk. The numbers are striking, the trend disturbing, and often fly in the face of stereotypes about so-called “troubled families”.

A research team led by Dr. Suniya Luthar, Professor of Clinical and Developmental Psychology at Columbia University’s Teachers College, has been exploring the links and potential causes of the problems of affluent teens since a study in 1999 uncovered the frightening facts. Comparing 10th graders from low-income inner city families with high-income suburban families, Luthar’s data revealed that the wealthy children were even more vulnerable their low-income counterparts.

Specifically, these kids reported greater use of substances, including alcohol, cigarettes and marijuana. The suburban girls reported startlingly high levels of depression (22% compared to national norms of 7%), and both boys and girls reported higher levels of anxiety. In short, we now know that there are comparable risks at both ends of the socioeconomic ladder. What might explain this?

Myth #2: Wealthy parents spoil their kids and bail them out of their problems.file7181257716971

Although it is true that some wealthy parents use their money or influence to get their kids off the hook, this is the exception not the rule. Stereotypes of overindulgence and overly soft parenting are inappropriately projected on the rich in the same way that stereotypes of laziness have been projected on the poor. The truth is there are good and bad parents in all income levels, cultures, races and neighborhoods.

Unfortunately, if parents believe that they will be blamed for the problems in their children, they will be hesitant to turn to mental health professionals for …


Bringing Death Out of The Shadows

Tuesday, July 9th, 2013

file1761263062467There is a movement afoot across the planet. Since surfacing in England only a year and a half ago, news has spread from Europe to cities in America, Canada and Australia. Who would have thought that so many people would be so eager to talk about death–but they are.

Since the beginning of recorded history, people have come together with other members of their tribe or village to discuss matters important to the progress of their community. Tribal councils, town hall meetings, Greek symposia, European salons–all are examples of forums designed to give citizens a voice. Many ideas and movements for social change or personal transformation have been born in these types of gatherings.


How's Your Family Really Doing?
Don MacMannis, Ph.D. & Debra Machester MacMannis, MSW are the author of How's Your Family Really Doing?.

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