Depending of where you live, your kids have either been out of school for long enough to be making you crazy, or you’re looking at the calendar, wondering just what you’re going to do with all the time between now and when school starts again. Face it, summer is a mixed bag. For working parents who don’t get time off in the summer, it means an extra set of 30 hours to figure out how to keep your kids safe and occupied. (Families with a stay at home parent are now the minority–sixty per cent of families have both parents working outside the home.) So if you are feeling overly burdened, and more stressed than excited about summer, you are in good company.

So what’s a parent to do with all the free time kids get in the summer?  Here are some tips for more than just getting the kids out of your hair…
Tip #1: Remember that it is not your job to keep your child from ever experiencing boredom.
Boredom is an inevitable part of life, especially for children. It is also an important teacher. If you allow your kids to feel bored and you don’t immediately jump to “fix it” then your kids will learn how to find something to do for themselves. This is a skill that will benefit them for the rest of their lives. If your kids don’t know how to amuse themselves when alone, they will become more and more dependent on others to entertain them. Most of the greatest inventions and works of art were only completed by individuals who could spend countless hours alone.
Tip #2: Kids are hard-wired to learn.
Just watch a baby or young child. Children, in their healthiest states, are active, inquisitive, curious and playful. No one needs to beg them to play or to explore. Even if parents never applauded when their baby took a first step, you can be sure that toddler would keep walking nonetheless. This inborn motivation is critical to our survival, and underlies human …

1. Do you spend time alone on a regular basis? When you are alone, are you comfortable or do you get anxious?

2. When your partner wants to spend time alone, do you feel rejected, scared or unloved?

3. Do you get jealous or upset when your partner spends time with other friends or family members?

4. Are you afraid that when your partner is out of sight, you are no longer in his or her thoughts?

Autonomy is the Foundation of Intimacy

If you are puzzled about what autonomy has to do with the capacity to be alone then keep reading. Autonomy gives us the ability to make choices according to our own free will. Without it, we feel like victims. If you cannot tolerate being alone, then you will choose to spend time with anyone but yourself. You will sacrifice your autonomy, your very sense of personal freedom, in order to feel connected.

If you feel that you cannot survive being alone, then fear will be in the driver’s seat. When run by fear, people choose partners who aren’t good for them (or are even dangerous) just to avoid being alone or rejected. On the other hand, if you know that you can be alone—and take care of your own needs—then you can risk being the unique individual that you are. You are able to let your partner come and go, both physically and emotionally instead of desperately clinging on for dear life.

The Balance Between Closeness and Distance

Most people value their relationships above everything else. Half of my clients come to therapy longing to find a healthy relationship, and the other half seeking to improve an already existing one. We are, by nature, social animals. But living in close quarters with family members is anything but easy. Part of what makes the dance of relationship so difficult is the ongoing tension between closeness and distance, connection and autonomy.

Unfortunately, too many people fall prey to the myth that intimacy is only about connection. Authentic connection is a big part of it, of course, since …

“Too many people spend money they earned..to buy things they don’t want..to impress people that they don’t like.”                                    -Will Rogers

Sally and Smitty brought their two kids, Hilary, age 13, and Justin, age 10. The parents were constantly fighting with the kids and each other about money. We talked not only about how this family made decisions about money but also about what Sally and Smitty had learned in each of their families growing up. In Sally’s family, money had been the main instrument that her father had used to control both his wife and the kids. When her dad was pleased, he bought her whatever she wanted, and when he was angry, he was a tightwad. In Smitty’s family, there was never enough money. His parents amassed huge debts, constantly bought things they could not afford, and were even now trying to borrow money from Smitty. When Hilary and Justin made impassioned demands for the latest fashion items or video games, Smitty always said no and Sally wanted to say yes. Sound familiar? Disagreements about money–how hard you should work, how much you should save or spend, and who gets to make the decisions about it–are often the cause of conflict in families. What are some of the important lessons that parents should be teaching their kids about money? What do you wish that you had learned as a child about money that could have saved you a lot of time and trouble?
#1 Start teaching your kids about the connection between work and money when they are little. Money does not grow on trees.
Start by giving your child an allowance when they are as young as six years old. Make it clear what kinds of expenditures the money is for. Some parents link allowance money to household chores. The disadvantage of this strategy is that kids get the message that they should be paid to help out. I think …

“Everything is a battle and we can’t stand it any more.”  These are the first words spoken by Sylvia, mother of two, and her husband quickly agreed. “We can’t get the kids to school on time, get them to turn off their electronic devices, do their homework, or go to bed without resistance and stalling. Can you help us?”

If this sounds like your house, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And the answer does not have to involve spanking, shouting, nagging, criticizing or coercing. Although power struggles between parents and their children are exceedingly normal–especially in adolescence–they should not be the norm of everyday life. What’s a parent to do and why do we get into power struggles in the first place?

A crucial component in the development of a healthy personality is gaining a sense of autonomy.

Starting around the age of two, children demonstrate their desire for increased independence by discovering the power of the word “NO!” and “mine”. Toddlers have a strong desire to figure things out for themselves, and when they succeed, they gain a sense of self-confidence and self-control. This stage has come to be known as “the terrible twos” because it can take parents by surprise when their sweet baby begins to have a mind of her own. In truth, it would be terrible if this stage didn’t happen.

Power struggles stem from a natural urge in children to have control over their choices.

Too many parents interpret their child’s resistance as defiance or lack of respect for authority. This sounds pretty bad, doesn’t it? In fact, when a parent thinks about resistant behavior in this way, it makes it far more likely that the parent will react to the kid’s non-compliance with an overly intense emotional response such as increased annoyance and anger. When setting limits with kids, the less emotional the better. By asserting himself, your child is building a stronger, more separate self. Kids need to learn to be independent by practicing how to stand …

“The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development.”                                                                                            -Rainier Maria Rilke, poet

One of the ongoing polarities in any relationship–whether between marriage partners, parents and children, or friends–is the balancing act of closeness and distance. This is the ongoing dance of intimacy, and the key is to learn to move towards and to move away without seeing either polarity as right or wrong, good or bad. To forge the bonds of relationship takes time together but also takes time apart lest the bonds begin to feel too tight or binding.

In my last blog about the tug-of-war in relationships, I described the predictable stages of closeness and distance as the bond of intimacy develops over time, working towards the goal of mutual interdependence. What happens when a family goes through times of increased stress due to loss, trauma, illness or rapid change?

Stress and the Tug of War

When anxiety goes up in a family or relationship due to times of rapid change, each of us has a preference for one side of the polarity. When stressed, young children cling more to one or both parents, whereas adolescents often do the opposite and pull away, locking themselves into their bedroom and refusing to talk. What do you do? What does your partner do? Is it more painful for you to be more distant from loved ones or do you feel …

There’s a tug-of-war going on in intimate relationships all across the country. A conflict, although sometimes never fully resolved, that can make or break a marriage. It often rears its head around Valentine’s Day, birthdays, or anniversaries. Can you guess what it is?

If you or your partner has been voicing the sentiments in the following list, you are not alone. It’s normal.

•  ”You never spend time with me!”
• “I need to be able to spend time with my friends.”
• “Why can’t we just hang out and talk like we used to?”
• “I wish you would find your own friends or get more hobbies.”
• “Why don’t you take better care of yourself and learn to be happy.”

One of the ongoing polarities in any relationship–whether between marriage partners, parents and children, or friends–is the balancing act of closeness and distance. This is the ongoing dance of intimacy, and the key is to learn to move towards and to move away without seeing either polarity as right or wrong, good or bad. To forge the bonds of relationship takes time together but also takes time apart lest the bonds begin to feel too tight or binding.

The Stages of Intimacy

The dance of intimacy and autonomy goes through predictable stages as a couple passes through the family life cycle. At the beginning, when couples are getting to know one another, and are falling in love, they tend to spend so much time together that other friends and family may feel abandoned or neglected. The first stage is all about closeness and bonding or the relationship never gets off the ground. Once the bond is established, a new stage emerges where each person feels safe enough to assert his or her individuality.

The second stage, known by psychotherapists as differentiation, was named after the biological process when cells or tissues start to become specialized in their functions. It is a necessary and positive movement that is crucial for healthy growth and development. But the process of differentiation in couples–moving from “we are one” to becoming two unique individuals in relationship–is often confusing and painful for couples. In fact, …

“The best gift you can give your kids is to tend your own garden–cultivating strength, humor, and kindness.”   -from How’s Your Family Really Doing?

It’s tough to be a good parent. Actually, let’s be honest. Sometimes it’s tough just to show up, let alone be good at it. Personally, I think it is one of the hardest jobs in the world. What other job demands you be available 24/7, offers no paid vacation or sick time, and routinely disturbs your sleep? And once you’ve accepted the job, so to speak, it’s yours for the rest of your life, like it or not.

On the other hand, raising two sons to adulthood with my husband (and fellow team leader), has been one of the most fulfilling, growthful, intense, fun (I could add dozens more adjectives) and precious journeys that I have ever undertaken. Both my husband and I have had to learn a lot of things along the way–some by trial and error, some by educating ourselves on child development and effective parenting strategies, some by pure luck.

One of the most important lessons we have had to learn–and continue to teach the many parents who have been coming to our counseling clinic for the past thirty years–is how important it is to take care of yourself in order to be able to take care of others. We use the metaphor of a garden because even the most beautiful garden, if left unattended, will eventually wither and die.                                             

Just as plants need water, healthy soil and regular weeding, so do budding humans need care and attention in order to thrive. Perhaps this seems obvious (as truth often does), but most parents get so caught up in taking care of the kids, the house, the job and all the other responsibilities of daily life that they simply forget themselves or run out of time.

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“Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.” -Ogden Nash

Most people have heard by now that high levels of conflict between a couple can be destructive not only for their relationship but can cause lasting harm to children caught in the crossfire. As painful as divorce can be for kids, what we know now is that excessive, bitter fighting is what troubles kids–whether the family remains intact or not.

Some new research tackles this same issue from another angle. What is the impact on kids when they grew up in a household where their parents were constantly fighting about money? Although you might think it would make kids more cautious and concerned, (and it probably does this for some kids), unfortunately it appears to make them more likely to accumulate debt in their college years.

The issue of credit card debt among college students has been a growing concern over the last decade. Both administrators and teachers have recently seen more and more students dropping out of school, not because of academic failure, but for financial reasons, including credit card debt.

Adam Hancock and a team from East Carolina University recently published, in Springer’s Journal of Family and Economic Issues, the results of a study of 413 undergraduate students from seven different American universities who took part in the College Student Financial Literacy Survey.

Through an online survey, the authors inquired about a number of issues related to the financial education and climate of the students’ families. They asked not only about credit card debt and number of credit cards owned, but about the students’ level of knowledge about credit cards, loans, and personal finance. They also surveyed their attitudes about debt and about credit cards. They asked questions like, “Are they safe or scary? Are they too costly? Are you comfortable with only making the minimum payment each month?”