Panic drives us to do some strange things. It drives us to find a way to escape — to flee from — the uncomfortable physical and mental sensations.
Even the tiniest baby steps can keep that dreaded circle of safety from closing in on you.
Elementary school math: you start with the basics, and only challenge yourself further once you’ve mastered a level. Addition, subtraction, multiplication, division. Why should approaching anxiety and phobias be any different?
My limbs, it seems, have resolved their life-long impasse with my brain. This reminds me of something very important: the brain’s capability to learn and change.
Ah, paradox. A distraction that’s not really a distraction.
I wanted to re-frame a breakdown into a breakthrough.
I want to create a truce with caffeine. I want to recognize that my body’s reactions to this drug are completely normal. I want to train myself to be comfortable with caffeine again.
Caffeine is an unavoidable drug, and I don’t want to fear it. I don’t want the buzzy sensation I feel when I take the migraine meds to create a fertile breeding ground for panic.
“I can now kill a very small spider with a vacuum, which is something I wouldn’t have even considered just a few years ago, and if I see a spider that’s not moving and it’s far enough away, I calm down very quickly and I’m able to rationalize that it won’t hurt me. Until it moves. Then that’s all out the window.”
I can’t think of any other creature that can be practically invisible, then suddenly appear in quite the way spiders do.