What? Whaaaat? I can barely plan for tomorrow and now, suddenly, I have to think about five years down the road?

(If you missed the first three parts of this story, click here, then here , and then here.)

The scene: a small road off of a two-lane state highway in the woods. The cell phone coverage: first none, then a single bar. My panic state: full blown.

I was laying down in my car, following the EMT-in-training’s instructions to avoid sitting up or moving around, and I was scared nearly to death. I shook, I gasped for air, and I palpitated.

I hated every single second that slowly and dreadfully crawled by. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t even conjure up the energy or the clarity of mind to reach for my Ten Rules for Coping With Panic worksheet that lives in my wallet. I was in the middle of nowhere, I was stuck, and I couldn’t escape without help. Not only was I about to receive medical help, but I’d had to call my husband and ask him to drive 40 miles to be with me.

Ugh. Failure.

The word kept repeating in my head: failure failure failure.

Maybe I am having a legitimate medical problem instead of a panic attack. Maybe there’s a problem with my heart or my blood pressure. Maybe there’s a problem with my brain. Did I have a stroke? Maybe I’m having a stroke RIGHT NOW OH GOD WHAT THE HELL.

When your limbs are shaking uncontrollably, the gas pedal is a nightmare to control. My car heaved in fits and starts, thanks to my spasmodic right foot, but I didn’t make it far before I started to feel very cold and prickly.

I wanted to re-frame a breakdown into a breakthrough.

I understand that a rapid heartbeat is a normal part of panic. But it feels so abnormal and wrong. What if this is the one time where a medical emergency is presenting itself?

I was honored to be chosen as this week’s PA Live! Blog of the Week on WBRE-TV.

How do you cope with the sting of having a panic attack after a long period of panic-free living?

So, guess what I did at 4:21 a.m.? I turned on the lights, picked up a pen, and started an alphabetical list of Things That Make Me Anxious.

We might seem fortunate, us young folks, because we’re swimming in expensive and glamorous digital gadgetry. But we’re missing something big. Something my parents’ generation enjoyed as a whole.