Your feelings are hurt.
What you do at this point could make the difference between resolution and even more hurt feelings.
Take the wrong turn and your feelings will continue to be trampled upon. Your relationship will suffer, according to research.
Take the right turn and you have a chance – a real chance at resolution. Take the right turn consistently and you could have one of the healthiest, mutually satisfying relationships on the planet.
If something went wrong, I was the point of failure. Failure was internal, an inevitable part of who I was. I did not know I was seeing myself as failure. If I had known, I might have been able to question what I was doing.
At any rate, this unconscious view was draining. Life was a burden and I was the donkey.
Now, I see failure in one of two ways:
As in – “I gave it my best effort and did not accomplish my goal.” For example, you might run your very best race and someone simply runs faster than you. You failed to win. You lost because you did not have the ability to run fast enough to win that particular race against that particular person.
This is a kind of failure to deal with realistically and accept. You did your best. What did you learn? How can you adapt? What is there to celebrate?
When you can say, “I put forth my best effort. I gave it my all and lost,” it hurts. But this hurt is very, very different than the self-imposed failure of self-sabotage. You can ultimately recover and live with no regrets when you know you’ve done your best.
I sometimes indulge in this one – an attitude that prevents me from running my best race and letting the chips fall where they may. This attitude is full of excuses, as if I am trying to justify losing so I can indulge in feeling bad.
With this kind of failure, I am finding that it is most useful to visualize it as a little green monster and punch it right in the face. It is not who I am. It’s an attitude. I can symbolize this attitude that doesn’t represent who I really am – in the form of a little green monster. It’s super goofy, yes. But …
Is it inner conflict that holds you back?
Inner conflict can stop you in your tracks and keep you preoccupied with all the wrong things. Rather than produce real, rewarding results in the world, inner conflict would have you spin out on your inner dynamics.
One of the keys to overcoming inner conflict and it’s frustrating symptoms is to identify it. You cannot resolve inner conflict intentionally until you know how it operates in your psyche.
Toward that end, here are three sure signs of inner conflict.
The big obvious sign of inner conflict is that you have a critical inner voice that opposes what you consciously want. The voice tells you things like:
You’re an idiot for thinking you can do that.
You’re going to fail.
You’ll never amount to anything.
Here’s the scenario: You want something. You have an inner voice that appears to oppose what you want. This is a sure sign of inner conflict.
When you set goals, it makes perfect sense to keep a positive attitude, overcome obstacles and keep going until you get there.
Some of us, however, quit goals too easily. We may suddenly stop trying, “forget” to do what we need to do, or even doubt that it was a good idea in the first place. Quitting goals is another sign that you are conflicted about what you really want.
You find yourself saying something like, “On the one hand I want this, but on the other hand I want that. Inner conflict such as this can make decision-making brutal. In fact, it can halt the process entirely, leaving you spinning on your conflict indefinitely.
1. Acknowledge it.
2. Identify any elements of self-sabotage.
3. Communicate with your inner parts to find out what they want.
4. Find resolution through negotiation with yourself.
5. Look for opportunities to fail, then Punch Failure in the Face! I know this last step may seem odd – but this attitude of not accepting …
If it weren’t for twisted logic, life might be too boring for many of us.
Most people I know, myself included, have a knack for twisting the truth. And some of the time that little twist is a perfect happiness block.
What follows are 27 examples of how you can prevent the happiness that might have been yours. All it takes is a tiny, twisted whisper in your mind.
1. When I am happy, bad news is coming, because happiness can’t last.
2. When I am happy, I am setting myself up for disappointment.
3. When I am happy, people expect more of me.
4. When I am happy, I have no excuse to be lazy.
5. When I am happy, I am letting my negligent parents off the hook.
6. When I am happy, it will draw too much attention to me.
7. When I am happy, I’ll have to be nice to people I don’t like.
8. When I am happy, I am deluding myself.
Do you want to eliminate all obstacles in the way of your goals?
You can. I’m going to show you how, right here and now. In fact, you’re going to punch failure right in the face and knock it out.
Self-sabotage: the truly nasty tendency to do the very thing that hurts you.
To increase happiness, you may need to think outside the box. What follows are four ways we commonly deprive ourselves of happiness. They usually occur on autopilot, without conscious choice.
Once we understand them, we can take actions to remedy the negative effects.
Here they are:
Squashing positive emotions that naturally surface throughout the day is shockingly common. In fact, research reveals that suppressing positive emotions is a common yet little-known cause of depression.
This is actually good news. It means that you do have spontaneous positive emotions that surface regularly. If you learn to avoid chasing them away, then these uplifting emotions might stick around longer.
Pay attention to when you feel positive emotions wanting to rise. Then allow yourself to feel them!
The late Nathaniel Branden called it happiness anxiety. It happens when you become nervous after a period of feeling happy. Many people subconsciously believe that happiness can never last. Something will always come along to ruin it.
So, they preempt the bad news by ditching happiness before they are inevitably hurt or disappointed. It’s sort of like breaking up with someone because you’re afraid they’re going to break up with you.
When you’re feeling happy, reassure yourself that if bad news comes, you can deal with it. Until then, allow yourself to enjoy it!
Some of us stay too distracted and busy to enjoy much of anything. Happiness seems to be related to slowing down.
Making too many commitments, endless to-do lists, lack of personal boundaries (can’t say no), obsession with your electronic device – all of these distractions may be direct obstacles to your inner state of happiness.
There’s no better way to destroy happiness than to criticize yourself. And the relentlessness of it for some of us is astounding. Self-criticism prevents happiness. And it obliterates any happiness that might slip through the cracks.
Self-criticism may …
Imagine being in a community of people where social conformity demanded being genuine in the extreme, not fake.
In fact, we’d have to call this community “twisted” according to our standards.
In a community of Twisted Ones, you have to speak the truth about what you really want and where your deepest motivation lies. And it is never a mystery.
Discovering what you want is as simple as looking at what results you have produced.
Photo credit: Josh Fults
Be warned: This is twisted stuff. You may be tempted to think I am a crazy fool for writing such things. I may be. But when you look out at the world – or at yourself – and see people willingly doing all manner of behaviors that create personal misery, you must consider that we need an explanation beyond conventional wisdom.
Making plans to lose weight is the easy part. Applying those plans consistently is what really matters.
The primary obstacles to consistently applying your plan to lose weight aren’t about knowing what to do. They’re emotional.
Read on to discover three obstacles you should consider as you implement your weight loss plan.
Research has shown that, chances are very high that you already know enough about how to eat well and lose weight. That isn’t the problem at all!
Our good friend Dr. Jeremy Dean from the superb PsyBlog points out that according to research, the greater challenge is self-awareness. Those who learn to pay attention to their emotions are much more likely to make healthy choices and lose weight.
In fact, paying attention to your emotions may be the most powerful weight loss strategy of all.
The study’s authors concluded:
“With a better understanding of how they feel and how to use emotions to make better decisions, people will not only eat better, they will also likely be happier and healthier because they relate better to others and are more concerned with their overall well-being.”
People with emotional training choose better foods consistently. And that is the key to losing weight. And here are some additional, equally compelling facts…
1. Most people with weight issues tend to eat mindlessly. In other words, their underlying emotions determine what goes in their mouths, not their conscious minds. When you increase emotional awareness, you also increase your level of conscious choice.
2. Most people assume that “comfort foods” reduce stress, while this is a scientifically proven fallacy.
3. Most people, after receiving some basic emotional training, are surprised at how easy it is to make better food choices.
4. Most people discover that the negative emotions they experience after overeating are actually psychological attachments that they have been subconsciously seeking (yes, you read that right – we seek familiar negativity all too often).
5. Many people – based on experience in the AHA Weight Loss Coaching Group, have discovered that losing weight is the emotional equivalent of betraying someone close to them.
For example, if you come from a family that tends to be overweight, then there is often a deeply unconscious expectation to be heavy. If you lose weight, you feel …