I must have some sort of amnesia. For years, I had myself convinced that all the miscommunication between me and my husband (due to the attention deficit disorder), and the up-and-down nature of his moods (due to the bipolar disorder), didn’t begin until sometime after we tied the knot.

Last night, I realized – or remembered? – that wasn’t so. This relationship we have, with all its joys and triumphs, trials and tribulations – we’ve actually been doing it the same way from the beginning.

I have been reorganizing my bedroom. Since having my third child, I’ve come to terms that I will likely never again be a clothing size 4, as I was pre-baby, and so am ready to pare down on my clothes, many that I haven’t worn since college.

I have a lot of clothes to sort through, so to take a break from the monotony, I also went through my jewelry box and my other bedroom items. Among the belongings on top of my dresser is a memory box where I keep special photos, cards, and notes from friends and family – much of which is from way back when, before I was married. I hadn’t looked through it for years and had forgotten all the love notes in there from my husband when we were dating, before we were even engaged.

Many were sweet. They made me smile and sometimes chuckle at the cheesiness of young love. But tucked in there were also quite a few notes apologizing for something. Not just one or two, but several, many. And the memories began flooding back.

What I had chosen to remember for all these years was a greatly edited version of a whirlwind romance that suddenly changed direction after we were married. But the truth was, it was always a little bumpy. Back then, I thought that it’d eventually get better – that we’d outgrow our problems. It didn’t quite work the way I imagined it would.

But it is getting better, over time. Our problems aren’t necessarily going away, but we are outgrowing our immature ways of dealing with it, and one another. We’re not the perfect couple, and if anyone had been paying attention way back when, they probably would’ve advised us against getting married. In fact, I think they were a couple naysayers.

And there were many times in the last decade that either he or I thought we made a terrible mistake getting married. And there were several moments – a few longer than a moment – that we very seriously considered not being married anymore. But we gritted our teeth, bit our tongues, and pushed through the bitterness to reconnect.

I remember my mother telling me that the first 10 years are the hardest for any marriage, but that after 10 years, things get much easier because both people start relaxing and learning how to work together, instead of trying to work to control the other. All this time, I hoped that was the case at the same time wondering if it was really true. And I’m not naïve enough to think that all our challenges are over, but it does feel easier the last year or so.

I hope as our marriage continues, that things get better and better, and that someday, we’ll be a tribute to how an imperfect, even improbable, marriage can evolve into a truly great, admirable, couplehood.

Comments

This post currently has no comments.
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.

Trackbacks

    Last reviewed: 6 Feb 2012