There’s a new book available for couples that I’m excited to read. Attached explores attachment style as a relational dynamic.

Attachment, or bond, or connection, is based on Attachment Theory, which stems from research exploring how parents and their children relate to one another, and how this affects the child later in his life. I know a little about this: I work for Attachment Parenting International, which promotes an approach to childrearing that encourages a secure parent-child attachment.

Given my line of work, Attached is exciting in that it illustrates the effects of attachment style beyond childhood.

In the original research, there were three attachment styles identified: secure, anxious, and avoidant. Secure defines a healthy respect and love between two people in a relationship. People with anxious attachment styles crave emotional intimacy but fear rejection at the same time. Those with avoidant tendencies appear to be emotionally distant, seeming not to care about intimacy or rejection.

As you can guess, a relationship between two securely attached people is very stable. Adding anxious or avoidant into the equation complicates matters.

On the Attached website, there is a quiz where you can figure out your attachment style and learn how the book can help you and your current or future relationships. In trying to help their situation, someone with an anxious attachment style will try to change their way of thinking and acting – which is a good start – and try to do the opposite of what they usually do, so someone who tends to avoid conflict will then try to confront during conflict.

The problem is, rather than address the underlying insecurities, they’re still avoiding them; while the behavior has changed, it’s no healthier than it was to begin with.

Anxious and avoidant are actually right next to each other on the spectrum, while secure is way on the other side. Both anxious and avoidant are defense strategies developed early in life in response to rejection. Those with anxious attachment styles are defending themselves against being ignored and abandoned. Those with avoidant attachment styles are defending themselves against being chastised for getting too close emotionally.

To get to the other side, those with insecure attachments have to face these threats head-on. As with everything worth it in life, that takes a heck of a lot of work.

I took the quiz and was found to have a secure attachment style. The quiz found my husband to have an anxious attachment style. From my experience, I know that one person having a secure attachment style will not make up for the other person being insecure. Knowing this information is a start, but it doesn’t give me the tools needed to help our relationship. That, of course, is found in the book. I don’t like to recommend books I haven’t read, so I won’t, but Attached does sound a book that is worth checking out.

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    Last reviewed: 5 Feb 2012