My husband’s mood is shifting. Slower thinking. Slower moving. We tried playing Pictionary last night, and it’s a game that normally he loves to play, but there just wasn’t any joy in him. It seemed that it was all too tiring for him. He’s not eating very much, and he wants to sleep much more. He’s forgetting things easily, and not following through.

I don’t know what the trigger was. He doesn’t know, either. I had skipped my daily phone call to him yesterday; I always call once or twice a day to see how his day is going and to touch base with what’s going on at home. I asked him if he missed me calling him. He said he didn’t but that he was expecting it and was disappointed when I didn’t call. I asked him if that was the same as missing it, and after a pause, he said that perhaps it was – but he wasn’t sure.

He has great difficulty in identifying and owning his feelings. Our arguments for a long time went round and round as I tried to nail down what he was feeling and him denying it.

For example, I might ask him why he was angry about something I said, and he would tell me the comment didn’t bother him and yet all his nonverbal cues tell me it did. It wasn’t denial, per se. It was honest-to-goodness not knowing what in the world he was feeling. He just feels and then reacts on that feeling, without knowing what that feeling is. So, if you ask him what that uncomfortable feeling is, he’ll tell you nearly the opposite: that he’s not mad or sad – he’s fine, he’s happy. But, figuratively, he’s punching holes in the wall at the same time.

To help him, I’ve began using a cue phrase – “check your mood” – to remind him to take a few moments to think about what he is indeed feeling, based on his self talk and reactive behaviors. The other part is trying to figure out what triggered that feeling, so that he can own it. Such as, “I am disappointed that you didn’t call me yesterday. You usually call, and it brightens my day. And when you didn’t call, it made me feel like I wasn’t important.”

It’s got to be that clear and direct and articulate. Telling yourself that you’re upset because someone didn’t call doesn’t quite cut it. It’s too easy to start blaming the other person for your feelings; the point is not to find who or what is at fault for your unhappiness but to identify that you are in fact unhappy and exactly why you’re unhappy. The other thing is, you can’t wait too long to “check your mood.” It’s got to be done within the first day or so, preferably the first few hours, of feeling down or up to be effective in heading off an episode.

How do I know this works? Well, I’ve seen it work with my husband, for one thing. As long as he’s medicated anyway. The other thing is, I’ve seen it work with myself.

I have a secret to tell you. Well, I guess it’s not a secret anymore. I have been diagnosed as bipolar in the past, although it has since been downgraded to Mood Disorder NOS (not otherwise specified). The exact nature of my symptoms at this point is that I tend to “over react” to joyful events and stressful events, but I no longer go so far overboard either way – whether up or down – that it can be classified as bipolar. I guess. At least that’s what my doctor tells me. Even though an antidepressant alone will send me sky high into a manic episode.

The difference between my mood roller-coaster and that of bipolar, my doc and therapist say, is that I am now able to exert some control over my moods. I can’t make myself stop being mad, but I can keep myself from throwing the lamp. I can’t make myself stop feeling grandiose, but I can recognize that the actions I desire to do are irrational and to do something about it. It takes a great deal of effort sometimes, and I wasn’t always able to control myself. But I’ve learned how to.

I largely manage my tendency to over react, through lifestyle changes. My mood is very susceptible to changes in sleep, low blood sugar levels, hormone cycles, and imbalance between home, work, hobby, and chores. Oh, and the worst part is – which is by far my most difficult area of susceptibility to conquer – my husband’s mood feeds my mood. Isn’t that just some cruel joke of the universe? When he begins to slip into a bipolar episode, if I’m not especially careful, that will trigger an episode in me!

I used to take meds and wouldn’t be opposed to it now if I started having major problems again. I would never recommend anyone to stop their meds without talking to the doctor first. And it was only because of my religious adherence to the lifestyle changes, constant diligence of my mood fluctuations, and success in therapy that my doctor allowed me to try it without meds. This is never something I would suggest someone try unless they’re ready for some really hard work. You have to become your own therapist and apply all those cognitive-behavioral (CBT) exercises to your life on a constant basis. And in my case, you have to agree that if you can’t handle it – as determined by the doctor or therapist, not by you – you have to go back on meds immediately.

But the key is, I have to do all parts of the treatment – the lifestyle changes are big, plus the mood tracking, plus the therapy visits, plus the CBT. If I skip any of them, I know in my heart of hearts that I will not be able to stay stable.

And so far it’s working. It’s been nearly two years and I have sometimes had mild hypomanias and sometimes mild depressions, but I have been able to keep myself away from a major episode, so far. I had a baby in there, not to mention my husband’s mood swings, and I think staying stable through these life-altering events is quite the testament. I don’t know whether I really do have bipolar or not. No doubt I have some bipolar tendencies. I guess the label isn’t really important. Rather, it’s what you do about it.

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Mind Over Mood: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think | zumba training workout (January 4, 2012)

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