It takes two to tango, or should I say tangle.

Marriage takes two, as we all know – at least in most Western societies where polygamy is looked down upon. So, points of contention — or tangles — generally include troubling spots in both spouses.

In this case, treating my husband’s bipolar and attention deficit disorders are certainly important to ensure a healthy relationship. But, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have thought patterns and behaviors to work on myself.

As my therapist likes to say, normal is a dryer setting. No one is “normal;” there is no normal. All of us have struggles, and mental health is continually a work in progress, for everyone. She also likes to point out that everyone is bipolar – we all have highs and lows in our moods. Whether our “bipolar” requires treatment depends on how severe it is: Those who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder have moods that stretch outside the realms of acceptable norms. And any ADD professional will say the same about attention problems: We all have “deficits” regarding attention; treatment is only required if those deficits are severe enough to negatively impact our lives.

I’m a creative, so it’s just a given that I’m probably going to have a few quirks. Earlier this week, I thought perhaps I had ADD; however, not all the symptoms matched. Still, I know that, in many ways, I do things differently and think differently than other people. I am super sensitive to over-stimulation, requiring large chunks of quiet alone time or otherwise I become irritable. I also notice everything, which appears like I’m distracted, and if I’m in too much of a stimulating environment, I actually am distracted.

But if it’s a relatively calm, quiet environment, I can filter out the extraneous distractions and concentrate on whatever it is I’m supposed to be focusing on. And once something is inside my brain, it’s there forever. I can remember events from when I was in diapers.

It’s important for me to understand myself, especially how my quirks fit into the relationship with my husband. Even if he didn’t have bipolar and ADD, we would still have moments of misunderstanding. Perhaps because he has a label for his quirks, I am searching for a label for mine. Or maybe because it subconsciously bothers me that I do have “different” qualities, I’m trying to figure out the why behind my actions. Either way, I have a fellow Psych Central blog, “ADHD from A to Zoe,” to thank for leading me in the direction of learning about the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), which led me to a comparison of ADD and HSP and this self test.

Turns out that being a HSP can make you very distracted in busy environments, much like ADD. All of the HSP characteristics explain me to a T, without the gaping holes left by the possibilities of ADD. And my therapist agrees.

HSP is not considered a disorder but a personality trait. There is a distinct creative advantage, although there are also some challenges, probably the biggest one being that HSPs are, well, ultra sensitive.

So how does knowing I’m a HSP help in my marriage? For one, I’m aware of why I get so entangled in my husband’s moods. His black moods affect me so much that I can’t help reacting, usually in a negative way. For another, I now know why some of my husband’s tendencies bug me so much. For example, he likes his environments to be very busy, very noisy, very hustle and bustle, and he always has every light on in the house at the time. This will unhinge me every time.

No one is “normal” and that’s OK. But when you’re involved with another person, it’s helpful to understand each other’s “abnormal-ness” and how those quirks interact to either strengthen, or weaken, the relationship. Discovering that I’m a HSP is a huge break-through for me and my husband and hopefully the beginning of a new era of understanding between us.

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    Last reviewed: 14 Dec 2011