Since my last post, “Caregiving without Controlling,” I’ve had a few readers comment that I’m flirting with codependency – that I am doing too much for my husband, that he can do more for himself. I really don’t know that much about codependency, so I’d love for people to enlighten me.

But I don’t believe that what I’m doing is wrong. What I strive for is a happy marriage, a happy family. I see bipolar disorder as an illness (and would argue that Attention Deficit Disorder is less an illness and more a different kind of wiring in the brain), so does care-giving for someone with an illness make me codependent?

If he had cancer or kidney disease, would I be codependent then to gently make sure he’s doing his treatment? Is it possible to not be viewed as codependent as a caregiver of someone with mental illness? I don’t know.

For those readers whose spouses have Attention Deficit Disorder, what ways have you made sure that he or she takes those meds? My husband, for one, has a difficult time early in the morning and then late at night, before his stimulant kicks in and after it wears off. There are times, depending on his mood, when I need to make sure he’s wearing his CPAP mask for his Obstructive Sleep Apnea because his stimulant has worn off and he doesn’t have the focus to get that mask on. So, is it codependency to remind him to use the CPAP, knowing that his ADD symptoms worsen when he’s in a depressive mood?

OK, so now it’s time for me to do a little investigation to see what this codependency is all about. Here’s one: “Signs of a Codependent Relationship” on WebMD, in which a therapist defines codependency as “you’re trying to make the relationship work with someone else who’s not.” The article goes on to describe that codependency forms in relationships with one dysfunctional partner and another partner who is trying to fix the problem. Signs that the codependent partner is indeed codependent:

1. he/she ties self worth to the act of care-giving.
2. he/she “encourages” the partner’s dysfunction (I’d guess by enabling) because he/she enjoys the feeling of being in control.
3. he/she doesn’t feel complete unless if in a relationship, even a rotten one.

Based on these criteria, I would say that I definitely am not codependent:

1. I regard care-giving my husband on the same plane as housework or taking care of a toddler with the stomach flu. I don’t enjoy it, there are a lot of other things I’d rather to be doing, but it’s something that has to be done. I have tried working in a care-giving field, as a support group leader and a nursing assistant and a childcare provider; I didn’t like it.
2. I am a caregiver to my husband, only when he needs it, which is during a dark depression or a scary mania – not when he’s stable or when his depressions and hypomanias are mild enough that he can function – because I love him. I detest bipolar. It changes my husband from the man I fell in love with to either a depressed lump on the couch, or an irritable manic who acts on every idea that comes in his head no matter the consequence.
3. I believe that marriage is a sacred vow, but I’m not above kicking my husband out of the house if he’s not willing to do his part; it’s been done. Probably the best move I’ve ever made in helping him get better was giving him the choice, some would call an ultimatum, of getting stabilized or getting a divorce. I believe that my husband really, truly wants to be well and there is a great deal of trust between us that each has the other’s best interests at heart.

I agree that codependency doesn’t sound healthy, but it seems to be that there is a difference between codependency, and a spouse in a healthy marriage who also has to take on the care-giving role. I have a neighbor who spent the last 10 years of their marriage care-giving for her diabetic husband. This is seen as compassionate and loving, but if he had a mental illness instead, she would’ve been seen as codependent and weak.

What this caregiver-versus-codependent debate really gets down to, I think, is the issue of stigma against mental illness. If we regard psychiatric conditions such as bipolar disorder as legitimate illnesses, the care-giving role takes on a whole new light. And this change in perspective has to start with those in the mental heath field.

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    Last reviewed: 3 Dec 2011