I am not usually into reading blogs, but I am thoroughly enjoying yours. As a teacher and practicing psychotherapist I have been struck with how many modern psychoanalysts are also practicing Buddhists or followers of other Eastern thought. Many, like you, incorporate mindfulness in their work and I have begun to do so also with my patients and students. Thank you!

I really enjoyed your article. I just recently started reading blogs, which I find myself enjoying. Yours, provided excellent information. It has wet my appetite to increase my knowledge in mindfulness. Which I think is one of the keys I have been looking for. Thank you!

This has clearly been a very challenging time for you. Your sorrow may have been a natural grieving process. Now you are present and have the awareness of coping behaviors that do and don’t support you in the process of stepping out of depression. Have compassion and empathy for your own struggle and stay connected to community. I look forward to interacting with you more.

Thank you for this timely information. I’m recovering from a relapse into depression. I struggle with the “judging myself” feelings that can and do limit me and this article ans well as several others I read today have me thinking I’m more positive that my thoughts can be and will be changed. I really now have a sense of what you write about feeling stuck. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom with us.
Vicki

WARNING: I get to rambling so you may want to skim or skip! Sorry about that. Being concise is a skill set I have yet to learn.

Also, trigger alert as the suicide is mentioned.

I got a list of “Cognitive Distortions” in my DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) group & realized I am an expert at all of them! I “gave myself credit” for that (sometimes I have to dig pretty deep to find something to give myself credit for–one of the skills we are learning in our DBT group), but it has been very useful to learn that I am a “mind reader” & that my “mind reading” usually results in my interpreting situations in ways that reflect negatively towards myself such as the example you gave above.

My husband can have an itchy eyebrow & when he wiggles his itchy eyebrow I will interpret that to mean he is looking at me w/disgust (as I have gained weight on some of my meds) & that he wants to divorce me after 36 years of marriage, etc.

I THOUGHT these thoughts were reasonable (I have bipolar 1 disorder) & have a very hard time w/automatic thoughts that I also THOUGHT I had no control over & then I would do irrational behaviors based on these thoughts.

Through DBT I learned that I CAN consciously hit the “pause button” (hard skill to learn as I am 56-years-old & have had a lot of practice doing these cognitive distortions, but I did learn it) & then I can reflect on my thoughts & conclusions. Do I really have enough evidence to come to that conclusion (wiggling eyebrow signals disgust w/my weight gain & husband’s desire to divorce me)?

So I learned to use that time of pause to analyze the situation & determine if I truly had enough evidence to come to the conclusion I had come to. If I didn’t have enough “proof” of my conclusion then I would not react as if I did (become hurt & my “hurt” is way over the top or used to be as I am now learning how to increase my emotional awareness before it gets into the red zone & I start doing rash & dangerous behaviors to myself such as suicide attempts; or do something like start a fight or claim I wanted a divorce to “beat him to it” so I would somehow not feel as humiliated if I brought up divorce first–I wanted to be the “dumper ” not the “dumpee” {yeah, I had some pretty convoluted thinking patterns but my mother was severely ill w/bipolar so I didn’t have a very good role model}; or I would “run away from home” to make him worry & “pay” for thinking those thoughts that I had MIND READ; pretty much a lot of immature “acting out” behaviors disguised as “coping techniques”).

And then even if there is a situation where after pausing & analyzing the “clues” I find that my conclusion was correct & that the situation does have a negative aspect towards me, I then have to figure out what is the long-term goal I want. If I am dealing w/my husband, my long-term goal is to have a happy & fulfilling marriage. So I have to analyze the consequences of my behaviors (“play the tape all the way to the end”).

I learned to increase my impulse awareness as I very much acted on impulse before & didn’t realize I DID have control over my behaviors.

I didn’t know I could slow down the process & not let my emotions & thoughts automatically dictate my actions as they used to do (& usually I did rash behaviors that were not helpful but did give me some kind of “immediate” relief from the uncomfortable emotions I was feeling).

So I had to learn how to endure the uncomfortable emotions & increase the consequence awareness of my actions. What will be the outcomes in the short-term (probably I will feel better as I will get an immediate release from the pain of the emotion), but the long-term outcome will be detrimental to my goal of a stable, happy marriage as my irrational & “drama queen” behaviors do not lead to a happy husband. It leads to a “walking on eggshells” kind of relationship & an unequal relationship where I am treated w/kid gloves & not as an adult, but as an unruly child who throws tantrums so is not safe to take me out in public! And that is true (or used to be).

Plus, I want to be a good role model to my children (34 & 31!!) & I have been in that they see me working so hard at improving & they are so proud of me & that touches me so much when they express their joy in seeing me find joy now, instead of always being in turmoil & chaos & pain. They have seen me relentlessly pursuing wellness & not giving up. Boy, by the time I’m 84 I’ll just about be perfect!

But even now I do occasionally have set-backs, but instead of beating myself up & dwelling on it, I do own up to it, apologize for it, & get on w/life. I’m not going to be 100% successful at using these new skills as I have been using my dysfunctional “coping” skills & unhelpful behaviors for many, many years & only learning these newer & better (new & improved!) skills for a couple years so progress–not perfection will be the pattern for a long time. I do my “homework” (write in a journal) & ask myself why I wasn’t able to handle the situation very well (usually I can identify some “vulnerability factors” such as lack of sleep as I do have some chronic pain issues or maybe some emotional family issues have popped up as a law suit is going on in my extended family that I am trying to stay out of but I still have to be involved in somewhat or our frequent traveling through different time zones can mess me up, etc.) so I can non-judgmentally look at extenuating circumstances that may have made me more vulnerable to messing up & then develop a plan of action that may be helpful for next time those particular circumstances pop up.

A quote I read somewhere: INSTEAD OF BEING YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY, BECOME YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND.

And, finally, after years of chasing after love & approval from my father which was never going to come (I knew my mother was too ill to love or care for me & was in & out of mental institutions so I understood that & had compassion for her & didn’t begrudge her anything & she did commit suicide when I was a teenager after many attempts; she was just such a tragic, tortured soul), finally, I grew to understand the quote of Oscar Wilde’s & was set free of that longing for a father’s love & could concentrate on the gift of my husband & children:

Children begin by loving their parents; as
they grow older they judge them; sometimes
they forgive them.