Archives for Forgiveness
Life is a practice and what you choose to practice is what will make up your character. It's worth considering what you value in life and then making an intention and plan to live alongside those values. This is the direct back to living Ghandi's words, "Be the change that you wish to see in the world." Consider how simple it really is: If you want to be more grateful in life, practice being grateful. If you want to be confident, practice confidence. If you want to be more mindful, practice mindfulness. If you want to be more loving, practice loving yourself and others. If you want to be more forgiving and let go of stress-laden emotional burdens, practice forgiveness. If you want to live essential happiness ingredients such as compassion and generosity, practice compassion and generosity. With this said, no one said it's going to be easy. We are all blessed with this negativity bias in our brains that has kept us alert enough to negative and fearful cues to survive this long as a species. However, this negativity bias steps too far and infringes on us doing what we know inside is the direct path to happiness and well-being. It
We all have difficult people in our lives, it's part of the human experience. Typically, we tend to see them as a nuisance, individuals we have to put up with, or even avoid. This also comes with it's share of suffering. I'm not familiar with the author of the quote above, but the message is worth being curious about. What if we could change our perception to seeing difficult people as messengers or teachers who arouse something inside of us that needs to be cared for or loved? If we do this, might we become less reactive toward ourselves and other people? Inevitably, won't this provide a chance for more relationships to improve? Might it be easier to let go of bitter grudges and move toward strengthening mindfulness, self-compassion, and forgiveness? This isn't Pollyanna, it's a practical approach that can help us focus more on what matters in life. Moreover, consider this: If relationships improve, might that support communities, regions and countries to improve? Is it possible to set off a spark in this way that leads to not only the healing of our individual being, but the healing of humanity? Whoa, that's a bit too large to imagine perhaps, so let's just begin with today and ourselves. Today, try this...
Most people believe that waiting is a waste of time and it's best to fill that time with something... anything. Whether we're in line at a the grocery story, waiting at a doctor's office, or sitting at a stoplight, the brain seems to be cued to fill that space. Nowadays, many of us pull out our phones and begin sifting through various messages, reading over documents, or surfing the web. However, the belief that waiting has no value is mistaken. In fact, the secret to a sense of personal control, general satisfaction with life and even success, lies in learning how to find peace with waiting. We've all heard the famous adage, "Patience is a virtue" or "Good things come to those who wait." Easier said than done, why? We're not in control of our brains Because underneath the subtle yet intolerable experience of waiting is a little anxious gremlin that fears being alone. This gremlin is operating on old software that says if you're alone that means you're not being protected by your clan and it's a threat to your safety. In those small moments of waiting, the gremlin takes the controls of your brain and reaches for something to "be with" so you're not alone anymore. In other words, the anxious gremlin is in control and you're not. Studies are clear that lacking a sense of control is associated with negative stress, anxiety and depression. Also, the more we let the gremlin run our brain, the stronger it gets - or as the Canadian psychologist Donald Hebb says, "neurons that fire together, wire together." Using waiting for good
Self-blame is a human dilemma. We may blame ourselves for shouting at our kids or not protecting our siblings from abusive parents when we were young, or hating ourselves for something we wish we hadn't said. But blame creates a destructive amount of continual stress that holds us back from learning from our mistakes and also uncovering a real happiness. So, assuming many of us agree that forgiving ourselves and learning from past mistakes is important for our health and well-being, the next question is how do we actually go about forgiving ourselves?
Know that you are not the first or the lastOne of the first things to do is understand that you are not the first person who has made this mistake; it has likely been made thousands if not millions of times before you by other people. I am not condoning the action, but simply letting you know that you are not alone and that many people have made this mistake in the face of common human challenges. One of the common things we do as humans is taking things personally to a fault. When we come to understand that no one is immune from being unskillful, we can begin to take it a little less personally. This helps us in the process of forgiveness.
Understand that it's in the past
A little while ago I wrote a post around the importance of learning how to practice self-forgiveness. In that same vein it is essential to learn how to practice forgiveness no matter what. This may sound extreme, but let me explain. Forgiveness, as you may have heard or experienced, is simply the act of letting go of the burden that you carry from another person who has hurt you out of their own pain, ignorance or confusion. It's a practice of freeing up your energy to focus on things that incline toward your own health and well-being or the health and well-being of others. There's a saying: "Not forgiving is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to get hurt or die." The reality is holding onto resentment, literally keeps our cortisol running and makes us sick. The wonderful thing about forgiveness is it really only takes one to tango. You only need one person to forgive - you! You don't even need the offender. Right now, if you have someone you're holding a grudge against or are resenting, imagine the two of you tied together in a tug of war and imagine the cord being cut...you no longer have the tension of the rope, you are free! Of course it's not often this easy and it's a practice to forgive, but what else is there to do? Hold onto the resentment so we continue to suffer? We've already been hurt, why continue to inflict further suffering on ourselves? “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.”—Paul Boese If you are open to letting go of the resentment-habit and opening up to a better future, play with the following short forgiveness practice from The Now Effect:
One of the greatest, most unproductive and destructive mind traps many of us face is self-blame. It's as if the brain doesn't know what to do with the uncomfortable feeling that's there and it projects it inward. I've never seen a single example where self-blame is constructive. We all make mistakes in life, some greater than others. But there is a simple truth in life that is worth understanding, we all do the best we can with what we know in any given time. It could never be any other way. There's a simple thing to practice that can bring us back to our senses with a bit more self-compassion. This inevitably will lead to greater ease, understanding and refocus us on a more constructive path of health and well-being sooner. Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you learned it. No matter what you've done, it doesn't serve you or anyone else to stew in self-blame. What would serve yourself and others more is moving into a place of understanding and making peace with yourself. From this space you are better able to more constructively serve yourself and others. In Uncovering Happiness I share a very personal story where in my twenties I was incredibly destructive to my mind and body. I would be constantly caught in a web of blaming myself for the things I would do - only to do them again.
Did you know that compassion, the act of recognizing someone else's suffering with the inclination to want to support them, creates important activity shifts in the brain that are associated with resiliency and well-being? I recently attended a talk at a fundraiser where the presenter, Amy McLaren, had conveyed her story of going to Kenya with her husband and making a deal with a child there that if he shares his report card with them at the end of the month, they would pay for a month of his schooling. They didn't expect him to follow through, but after they returned back to Canada, a month later they received a letter with a picture of this boy holding up his report card. He followed through and so did they. Every month he would send his report card and every month they would pay for another month of school. Years later this boy is now in business school and has developed
Let’s keep this simple. You may or may not have heard by now that our brain is wired to pay attention more frequently, and with great veracity, to what’s negative. This doesn't mean that the good moments in life aren't happening, we’re just not wired to pay attention to them. Why? Because as a human race, we’re wired to survive, not be happy. BUT, I have a theory that in this moment in time we’re going through an evolution as a species where because of the overabundance of things pulling our attention, we’re being thrusted into growing our awareness – the kind of awareness that breeds balance, well-being and a greater sense of what matters. So people are being turned onto mindfulness more. More spaces are offering it, more institutions are studying it and there’s greater media to
There's really nothing like the power of a big supportive hug. The body reads a sense of caring in the human touch. When we're hugged we sense that on a deep level, we are not alone. In some ways it's a shame that in our relationships with healing professionals hugging is often advised against. There are so many wonderful stories where hugging has been a healing modality. The Science and Practice of a Hug In one study published in Nature Communications, researchers injected
For a number of months now hundreds of people have been taking the Basics in Mindfulness Meditation: 28 day program challenge to bring more mindfulness, self-compassion, compassion and balance into their lives. Throughout the course questions are asked that I field and one came in recently that I thought important to bring to all people as it is a seminar question of our time.