There are a lot of books and writings we all get our hands on that speak to changing our lives or transforming ourselves in some way or another.
We all suffer in life. Whether it’s deep emotional pain, physical pain, or just wanting to avoid an upcoming work project, the mind is constantly on the lookout for how to fix this suffering.
However, what we are often times offered is a romantic version for how to alleviate the suffering. We read the book or watch the programs that tell us simple steps on how to change our lives. These in themselves can be helpful, but not if we don’t do the work.
The truth is, real transformation and change takes a kind of discipline and can be hard work. The mind wants to rebel against this and tell us it’s not true. We can change at any time, witness it in someone who smokes cigarettes and says, “I can quit at any time, I’ve done it hundreds of times.”
Through the course of our lives we’ve developed an internal monitor in our minds that views life in a particular way and makes decisions below our awareness that is based on past experiences. The beliefs are deep, “I can’t do this” or “I have no time for that” or “I haven’t spoken to my sister in a while, but I’m just too busy right now.”
It’s almost as if we need to retrain our brains to see life differently and that doesn’t happen at the surface. That happens at a deeper level and in the same way that it was trained before. We need to learn new ways of relating to life, practice and repeat them.
Over time, we’ll more automatically be present to life, more compassionate, more flexible in mind, and have greater clarity on what is most important.
But it can take hard work, we must not fool ourselves. Anyone can read a book, go on a retreat, or watch a movie and feel changed for that moment.
But once we get back into the routine of life, the automaticity of the mind guides us back into the well worn grooves that have been practiced over and again. Before we know it, we aren’t viewing life from that place of insight and wonder how we ended up in the same place again.
The mind may protest, it’s OK, that’s to be expected as there is a big part of us that doesn’t want to change. There’s a certain comfort to status quo. However, for many of us, it’s just not where we want to be anymore.
So, whatever change you want to make, you may need to leave the mind behind for a bit and allow action to speak for now. Set up a schedule, get a buddy, and stick to it.
Only through practice can we grow new neural connections in the brain that creates new well worn grooves in the mind and makes healthier decisions more automatic.
As you do this, you may be pleasantly surprised at the fruit that is born.
As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your interactions create a living wisdom that we can all benefit from.
, co-author of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook
, Foreword by Jon Kabat-Zinn, author of the Mindful Solutions at Work App, the Mindful Solutions audio series, and the Mindfulness at Work™ program currently being adopted in multiple multinational corporations. Join Elisha Goldstein's Facebook Community to keep up with important information, tips and events.You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
I was just writing about the subject of change in my blog today. I’m making some big changes in my behavior and choices recently and I’ve found that one of the areas in which my mind rebells is that I’m increadibly irritable. Hopefully this will pass. Do you have any suggestions or interest in including some info in your blog about how to deal with that kind of irritablity?
Zachary Taylor at 8:18 am on
September 3rd, 2010Thanks for a great post about the discipline of change — I know Gil Fronsdal says that if you want to boil water, you have the leave the stove on rather than turning it on a few seconds at a time.
I would just add that feeling “safe” in the sense of feeling secure, connected, and loved by an other is also a large factor in being able to change. We know that having deep, loving relationships is a predictor of psychological “flexibility” — that ability to make changes in our life that aren’t based on old patterns.
So that part about “get a buddy” in your post is essential. We are social beings with brains that appear to be wired and un-wired from birth based on the quality of our relationships. This relational aspect of change, in my mind, is crucial…and also takes time.
rookie at 8:32 pm on
September 3rd, 2010the only time i read the stuff here is when the pain is overwhelming…
at those times, it is very hard to believe when someone tells me it can get better…
tomorrow will be a nice day
I strongly agree about the monitor trying to keep us in our comfort zone.
I believe another reason it’s so difficult to change is that we just try to stop/get rid of the undesired behavior. We don’t consider that there may be a need either physical or psychological that’s being fulfilled by that unwanted behavior. When we just stop it what takes care of that need?
If we can find another healthier and enjoyable way to replace the negative behavior with then we increase our chances for success.
Don DeLong at 3:39 pm on
September 8th, 2010This will, for sure, sound too simple for most people, but once I learned the beliefs, that I learned, led to feelings, that led to behavior, I realized, it was a waste of time to try and deal with my feelings or my behavior until I addressed those LEARNED beliefs. I no longer believe I am not good enough. I am okay, and all the feelings and behaviors GENERATED to deal with that belief are all but gone. Mindfulness, now creates a smile when I experience the OLD feelings generated by that old belief I LEARNED. Nothing to fix….
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