3 Steps to Boosting Self-Esteem: Mondays Mindful Quote

By Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.
September 29, 2009

There is a tradition on the Mindfulness and Psychotherapy Blog. Every Monday (or Tuesday in today’s case) I’m going to cite a quote or a poem that is related to mindfulness and psychotherapy in some way and then explore it a bit and how it is relevant to our lives. For me, quotes and poetry can often sink me into a state of greater understanding.

“To be in harmony with the wholeness of things is not to have anxiety over imperfections.” ~ Dogen Zenji

A constant struggle and dissonance with our imperfections may very well be the #1 issue with self-esteem which feeds into greater stress, anxiety and depression.

Yes, you can quote me on that. We all have it and the media feeds it. Some of us were young and felt like we had to be perfect in order to get positive attention or love from your parents. Others became enthralled with the media and airbrushed pictures of models showing us what a “normal” body looks like. Or maybe it was the billboards and cartoon commercials showing you how happy the children were when they had a particular expensive toy that you didn’t have.

In some way the message is that we’re defective, deficient and imperfect.

The newsflash is that we are ALL imperfect and that is Ok. Dogen Zenji’s quote tells us that to cultivate a sense of harmony, peace and happiness in our lives a path is to create peace with our imperfections.

I just want to clarify that this does not mean become complacent and not make plans to move toward mental and physical health. This simply means to understand that we are all imperfect and to begin practicing kindness, instead of fear and hate, toward your imperfections when they arise. Then you can make a plan to improve things and engage with that plan.

Ok, so practically speaking how do we do this?

Acceptance - The first step is to accept the fact that you are imperfect as we all are.
Ants - The automatic negative thoughts (ANTS) may arise “yes, but I have many more imperfections than most people.” If and/or when this happens, notice that as an automatic habitual thought pattern (because that is what it is), let it be, and bring your attention to this third step.
Re-parenting with kindness - Bring kindness to the moment. Bring your attention to the feeling that is there right now. It is likely a physical feeling that is connected to an emotion. Possibly an emotion of shame, disgust, fear, sadness, or anger. Put your hand where the feeling is and imagine it as a little baby, maybe yourself as a little baby or little boy or girl. Now say to this part of yourself, “I care about your pain and I love you just the way you are.” Or use whatever words fit for you. You can do this for 30 seconds or 30 minutes. Whatever feels right for you in the moment.

Note: Be aware of any judgments that arise right now, such as “this is dumb” or “This is lame, I could never do this.” These automatic negative thoughts (ANTS) are habitual patterns of the mind that have been with you for quite some time. That’s all they are, notice them, and bring attention back to practicing kindness with the pain.

The instructions here may seem simple, but this is not necessarily and easy practice. But it is a practice, sometimes you will be able to do it, others you may not. When you are not able, that is ok, you can always come back to it another time. Notice the thoughts that come tell you that you can’t do it, practiced noticing them just as habitual mind traps and come back to it again when you’re ready.

Try this out for yourself, this is a path toward greater healing and self-esteem.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories, and questions below. Your interactions create a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist and conducts a private practice in West Los Angeles. He is co-author of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook (New Harbinger, February 2010) Check out Dr. Goldstein's acclaimed CD's on Mindful Solutions for Stress, Anxiety and Depression, Addiction and Relapse Prevention, and Success and Stress Reduction at Work -- "They are so relevant, I have marked them as one of my favorites on a handout I give to all new clients" ~ Psychiatrist. He also current has a FREE Mindful Companion EBook: Top Mindfulness Quotes and How They Can Support Your Mental Health. If you're wanting an interactive program to find relief from anxiety and stress, check out Dr. Goldstein's progressive online behavioral change program in Aliveworld. If you're wanting to integrate more mindfulness into your daily life, sign up for his Mindful Living Twitter Feed. Dr. Goldstein is also available for private psychotherapy.

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Links to This Article

From Psych Central's Dr. Elisha Goldstein:
You Vs. Perfectionism: 3 Little Secrets to Overcoming this Demon | Mindfulness and Psychotherapy (October 2, 2009)

2 Comments to
“3 Steps to Boosting Self-Esteem: Mondays Mindful Quote”

Dannette-FibroHaven at 12:27 pm on September 30th, 2009

This is an excellent and timely article. I write a blog and organize an online facebook community for people with Fibromyalgia. This week I have been focusing on processing emotional pain to heal physical pain. This piece fits in perfectly with what I am trying to share. Thank you!

Merri at 3:16 pm on September 30th, 2009

This is beautiful! I need make sure I read this everyday!