In my own life I have always felt stories and metaphors with morals have been powerful in helping me really get a message on a deeper level. This is no secret, that’s why Chicken Soup for the Soul and Aesop’s Fables have been so enduringly popular. There is something about them that seem to hit us on an emotional level where their messages really stick. When I was starting out as a Psychologist I set up times with leading therapists to glean their wisdom to support me in really getting started on the right foot. I asked one therapist the question, “In your time as a therapist, what has been one of the greatest things you’ve learned?” He looked up and began to think. After a few moments, he looked back in my eyes and said, “While people may come in to see me once a week or so, the real therapy happens in their daily lives. I could spend an entire session with a couple trying to explain and enact the therapeutic concept of remaining present, empathic, and compassionate to the other even during difficult times and while this may support them in the moment, the message may or may not stick with them throughout the week where the real therapy occurs. But, if I ask ‘Can you keep your heart open in hell’, this may really stay with them and they are more likely to be able to grab it when difficulty arises. If they use it during difficult times that is when change really happens.
“Can you keep your heart open in hell” to me, says, in those moments when we are wrought by our habits that keep us stuck in perpetual avoidance of what’s uncomfortable or foreign, can we stay with that discomfort and open up to ourselves or another with a sense of compassion and love. What difference would this make? Yes, what difference would it make if we were able to put ourselves in another shoes a bit more often instead of reacting with defensiveness or attacks? What difference would it make if we were able to sit with the sadness or fear, sending ourselves loving kindness, instead of reaching for that next piece of chocolate cake, ice cream, or substance of choice? What difference would it make if we actually allowed ourselves to love or be loved, instead of constantly keeping all feelings at bay in order just to feel a false sense of safety?
The effectiveness of these words hits me on a fundamental level as someone who has been on both sides of the couch. How can we get in touch with our hearts a bit more, especially in the midst of our most difficult moments?
Attitudes to cultivate to keep our hearts open in hell:
Allowing the words and attitudes of acknowledging, allowing, letting be, non-judgment, non-striving, compassion, and empathy to pervade our minds during these times can be an enormous help during difficult times.
Learning to keep our hearts open in hell may just be what is necessary to break free from our habitual patterns that bind us, and into the lives we want.
Are there any stories that have touched you or influenced you? Please feel free to share these or any questions below. Your interactions provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from
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In-house treatment for DID, I asked my lovely therapist how she “distanced” herself from all that comes her way. I felt sorry that she had so much saddness of people come her way. I don’t recall the answer, but I let her know that I burn bridges - always. To my surprise, the bridge is still open as I sent exotic flowers to her, my psyk, and a very large package of fruit to the staff. One of the best experiences of my life.
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