Wow – Thanks. Glad my question could help spur an idea for a post.

A couple ways I’ve learned in my Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group/class (where mindfulness is a key concept) are:

–building mastery (we are to write down during the week ways in which we have done something that we feel proud of accomplishing or were afraid of doing, but did it anyway & thus feel proud of ourselves; or do a skill we are working on improving). Even when we “screw up” & “fail” to practice the “wise” mind & make a rash & emotionally charged rather than rational decision, our ability to analyze it later is something to applaud as it shows we are building “mastery” over our dysregulated emotions & will be able to use that info. to do better in the future. Hence, even w/”failure” our self-esteem is improving.

Also, building positive experiences increases self-esteem. If we only experience negative things, no wonder we feel like a tainted person. So don’t hang around the people who criticize you & reinforce your negative feelings & thoughts about yourself. When you have a good time & are living in the moment, write down those positive experiences later to remind you that you CAN have a joyous life.

Speaking for myself, I used to taint every good experience w/thoughts of it being a fluke, it wouldn’t last, something awful would happen.

For example, my husband & I were on a beautiful hike that is very popular on a gorgeous sunny morning. There were no other people on the trail, which was so strange. We had never seen that before. So my mind immediately went to the thought that we had not seen news on TV or in the paper lately (on vacation) & that there must be a serial killer on the loose & we didn’t know that the police were saying to stay off the trails until he was caught as he was armed & dangerous so our lives were in jeoprady.

My husband is used to me (have very high anxiety & came from a not so functional family so have a few “issues” shall I say, plus bipolar 1) but he said that is not a “normal” conclusion.

Later we found out the parking lot was closed due to repaving & we could walk to the trail from our house!!!!

So instead of just trying to “think” my way into better self-esteem (which hasn’t worked so far, though the above steps are useful) I think that DOING things & then writing them down to reinforce them in my mind have helped a lot.

My therapist also has me write down “adult decisions” I make as I feel very incompetent as I grew up w/a very mentally ill mother & alcoholic father so I don’t feel like I can make good decisions or can function in the world. I depend so much on my husband. I feel like a child & I am 55 yrs. old! So she has me write down “adult” decisions & actions I’ve done so I give credit to myself & these accomplishments add to my self- esteem.

Also, when I fight my very high anxiety & do those things that need to be done (for me going in for a physical w/my internal medicine doc is so anxiety-provoking that I cancel at least 3 times before I realize that the immediate relief I feel when canceling is short-term & when the rescheduled appt. comes up in a month, when I thought surely I wouldn’t feel as anxious {wishful thinking}–wrong–I’d be even more anxious as I had been avoiding it yet again.

So I finally went to the appt. & cried for 3 days before & was feeling such strong physical sensations of anxiety & did try all my methods of anxiety & by the afternoon of the day before did take a Klonopin as they make me very sleepy so I rarely take one during the day, but I knew I was paralyzed w/anxiety & wasn’t going to accomplish anything & that the nap the Klonopin caused–hadn’t been sleeping much due to anxiety–would keep my from calling to cancel agian.

She was a new internal med doc & I have many physical health issues that need to be addressed so on the form she had me fill out that said something like “other issues you’d like to discuss.” I just laid it out on the line about my anxiety, mood disorder & told her I can’t go through this anxiety every time I have an appt. & would she be able to accept a “difficult” patient like me & be able to work w/me?

She talked w/me for an hour before I even got into the gown & said she dealt w/the whole person & put my mind at ease & said I had the same option of deciding if I thought I could feel comfortable w/her. It was so fantastic to not have her flinch when I told her of my suicide attempts, etc.

I told her of my incredible progress since starting DBT & laughed as I told her that yes, this is PROGRESS–she should have seen me before!!

So that really helped my self-esteem that I could go through those days of incredible distress & be willing to tell her what I needed from her or I would not be able to “work” w/her. To explain my needs & not be intimidated by her. To just say I’m a worthwhile person who happens to have some difficulties that I am working on & I need her to be helpful & this is what she needs to do to be helpful & if she can’t/won’t/doesn’t feel comfortable I need to know up front to save me time, money & anguish of showing up for an appt. & feeling so much disapproval (which I was feeling at my last internal med. doc after an overdose).

Sorry, long post. Just that DOING things, hard things build self-esteem. Also, getting out of your mind & helping those less fortunate. Also, living in the moment & not ruminating on past mistakes, sad times, etc.

Great list… thanks. Self-esteem is something that I have always struggled with. Although I do have to say that Patricia Spadaro’s latest book “Honor Yourself: The Inner Art of Giving and Receiving” has been a very helpful book for me. The book taught me how to give to myself so that I could have enough energy and love to give to others.

While self-esteem problems seems such a common problem, it has special meaning in relationship to our coping capability for healing “emotional wounds.” In my book, Emotional Honesty & Self-Acceptance, that issue was central to a proposed new concept of “emotional health.” Simply stated, one can learn healthy emotional coping skills to help get over emotionally painful experiences. Inability to do this is evident in PTSD. I posit that unhealthy coping means ignoring and storing unhealed emotional wounds rather than “healing & releasing” them. The more wounds we store, the greater likelihood those common wounds become infected (much like a physical wound that is ignored). There is an emotional “alchemy” in such cases whereby the longer we remain unable to heal “the more we feel ‘entitled’ to avenge those wounds.” Self-acceptance implies owning and honoring our hurt feelings. That builds an ability to recover from each emotionally wounding experience as it occurs. Columbine tragedies are horrifying examples of emotionally insecure & wounded teens lacking these simple coping abilities. An easy way to understand this principle is the simple statement in the concluding chapter of my book: “Self-accepting people have no need to harm themselves or others.”

this is really great i need to really follow this advice. i think another thing that helps my self-esteem is when i am less self-centered and think more about other people.
except the stuff about thinking of things that you like about yourself, i find that i don’t always have bad self-esteem, a lot of the time i’m ok with who i am, but then other times i remember stupid things that i’ve done and i hate myself and wish i could be the person who i like to think i am, if that makes any sense.
but ya self-esteem is so important, i noticed how much more successful people with self-worth are than people who put themselves down

Can self-esteem raising projects end up going too far and produce narcissism?

It can according to the book “Evil: inside human cruelty and violence” by R F Baumeister.

I’ve been on a self-esteem course, they wouldn’t hear a bar of this.

I remember my self-esteem went through the roof when I got into the “worlds top” art school, I was far more verbally agressive with others(lost empathy) perhaps because all my love was used up on myself.

When we look to others for compliments and acceptance we are doomed. True self-esteem comes from within, not taking notes of nice things people have said about us. We give our power away when we do that. Loving ourselves doesn’t mean disrespecting others. When we truly accept ourselves we extend that to other people.

i think what artie described isn’t really self-esteem, because you rely on your accomplishments to bring you up, but you don’t actually accept yourself for who you are. I think you want to make yourself seem better to others while you yourself are not fully convinced. so then if you ever fail at the thing that is making you feel puffed up you’ll start feeling like a loser again.(i think i have exactly that problem)
i think narcissism is the same, if somebody really accepts themself and is happy with who they are they will not try to prove to everyone else that they are so much better or put others down.

Hmmm on the narcissim–had to check the DSM for diagnostic criteria. Found my mother and sister are Nacissistic just now. Such an annoying personality disorder.
As for self-esteem, I liked Ronald Brills’ comments above and am headed to read his book at Hastings. My thoughts on the importance of self-esteem is that it must be healthy in order for me to function and be free of depression. HOwever its not taught in school or by parents or at least by my depressed, bipolar, narcissitic parents. There are lots of books out there. I like the 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. I also like Shad Helmstetter’s books on Self-Talk Solution and What to Say When You Talk To YOurself. I live on daily self-esteem self talk scripts I use to program my brain and maintain a positive self esteem. If I don’t its back to negative and low self esteem which is painful and depressing. David Burns Feeling Good is also a staple in my library.

Gladtobealive makes a good point, I don’t remember ever being in K-12 gr and them teaching us about self esteem and self-worth. I only saw courses you could take on that in college, surprisingly. They should have it for school, esp. during that time when we’re more susceptible to it. The thing is that self-worth and self-esteem is like one of THE keys in having a good healthy life. Once you’re in control of your body and thoughts it’s like whatever people say or anything doesn’t matter anymore, which is beautiful. There’s like a peace with yourself and other people. It’s nice. It’s something that I’m trying to reclaim as mine again (have low esteem,am depressed and anxious lol) but no shame in that. Life has its ups and downs.

Most of the time I am an outgoing happy person. I have struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my life. I have always yearned for acceptance and sometimes to the point of just being wanted. When I don’t feel wanted, or like in a group setting my friends are getting all the attention, my self esteem plummets and I feel horrible. From there I feel that something is wrong with me and there is a reason that people don’t naturally gravitate toward me. May be an illusion but in some aspects situations prove this time and time again. This is affecting the quality of my life. I just want to live and be fine with whatever situation arises and move forward. Instead, I begin to mentally tread around these thoughts and then I just become sad. It takes a while to get out of the turmoil. I don’t want to care so much about ‘acceptance’.

any advice??