3 Steps to Working with Anger

By Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.
May 13, 2009

In his book Taming the Tiger Within: Meditations for Transforming Difficult Emotions, acclaimed author and Buddhist Monk Thich Nhat Hanh writes:

Recognize and embrace your anger when it manifests itself. Care for it with tenderness rather than suppressing it.

In an earlier article I wrote about the difference between destructive and constructive anger and how Thich Nhat Hanh writes about taking care of our anger. There are three things you can do to help take care of your anger.

Acknowledgment - The first point of change happens with awareness. Often times we either are not aware of our anger because we are suppressing and repressing it or not aware of the warning signs before we just explode. Awareness of the warning signs that anger is present is important to begin to get in touch with. The most practical way to do this is by paying attention to our bodies. Think of a scenario that really makes your blood boil and let it stew in your mind for a bit. Then shift your attention to your body and notice what sensations are there. You may notice warmth, tightness in the chest, tension in certain muscles, teeth clenching, and pressure in the eyes. Get to know these physical feelings as they can be a great guide as to when anger is arising.

Along with knowing the warning signs, it’s important to acknowledge in our own minds when anger is here. We can even say; anger is here right now. This nonjudgmental acknowledgment is critical recognizing that there is discontent in us at the moment and it would be wise to do the next step.

Care of Anger - It is well known that when we are in a state of anger or in a state of repressing our anger, we often times say or do things that we regret later. It’s not that the anger is “bad”, it’s just that often times having a dialogue when really angry isn’t as effective as cooling down and then coming back and expressing what you are feeling. How do we take care of our anger in the moment? With the recognition that the anger is there, you may choose to step away for a bit and notice this discomfort or pain inside. With awareness of it, you may even bring your attention to your breath and say “breathing in, I am aware of this anger, breathing out I calm my body.” You may also choose to take a walk, while attempting to be “tender” and embracing your anger as if it was a little child, a mini-you, who needed love inside. After some time the anger will soften and transform a bit revealing what may be underneath it. This will take some practice.
Awareness of others - Often times when we get angry there is someone else involved. Our reaction often is one of retaliation to get back at the other person with little awareness that this actually increases our own suffering as the conflict escalates. We don’t want to hold back or pretend we aren’t angry, but we also don’t want to retaliate as this doesn’t help. In this step, it is important to really try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes to see why they possibly reacted the way they did. This can be very difficult or near impossible if it was a serious offense of abuse. So take this step with caution and at your own pace. You may also want to check out and earlier blog on refusing to forgive. Peace in yourself, can lead to peace in the relationship.

By no means is it easy to tame the tiger within, please have compassion for yourself during this process. If you have a longstanding issue of suppressing or all-too-quickly and dramatically expressing your anger, it may be good to seek support from a healthcare professional.

As always, please share your thoughts, stories, and questions. Your interactions here provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.

Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist and conducts a private practice in West Los Angeles. He is co-author of A Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Workbook (New Harbinger, February 2010) Check out Dr. Goldstein's acclaimed CD's on Mindful Solutions for Stress, Anxiety and Depression, Addiction and Relapse Prevention, and Success and Stress Reduction at Work -- "They are so relevant, I have marked them as one of my favorites on a handout I give to all new clients" ~ Psychiatrist. He also current has a FREE Mindful Companion EBook: Top Mindfulness Quotes and How They Can Support Your Mental Health. If you're wanting an interactive program to find relief from anxiety and stress, check out Dr. Goldstein's progressive online behavioral change program in Aliveworld. If you're wanting to integrate more mindfulness into your daily life, sign up for his Mindful Living Twitter Feed. Dr. Goldstein is also available for private psychotherapy.

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4 Comments to
“3 Steps to Working with Anger”

casper at 8:14 pm on May 14th, 2009

Another helpful tip would be to have positive thoughts at all times and notice great even in bad situations.

Maddie at 5:17 am on May 21st, 2009

That’s a lot easier said than done, Casper. Most of us have no idea we’re suppressing years and years of anger until we explode the first time. The article is great, though. No judgement against it, just a good bit of advice on what to do when it happens- Thanks!

gladtobealive at 1:36 pm on May 22nd, 2009

This thought comes to mind:(Proverbs 12:18) . . .There exists the one speaking thoughtlessly as with the stabs of a sword, but the tongue of the wise ones is a healing.

My daughter was hurt by my disapproval of her boyfriend so she said hurtful things to me in retaliation. The effect on me was so enlightening–within 30 mins., I lost my desire to live, my energy and power vanished and I could feel myself engulfed with discouragment and depression.
When I started trying to pinpoint exactly where this feeling originated and how I would describe it: I realized it had come from my daughter’s words to me. It felt like she had taken a curling iron and burned here and there down my arms. It felt like deep pain added with the shock that a family memeber would harm me in this way.

We need to be careful what we say to people. Thoughtless words can cut down deep.
I told her later how her words effected me. She apologized. I had already forgiven her but I wanted her to know there will be boundaries I will draw, and I will not be letting her do that to me again in the future–end of discussion…

She seems to have a pattern of this passive-aggressive type of behavior and a frontal attacking way with hurtful criticism.

Our words should heal others, not make them want to no longer live.

Why in anger do we seek revenge?
Its much better to understand hurt precedes anger and to forgive the individual for hurting us. This allows us to let go of the anger and not further fan its destructive flames burning us….

LilGluckstern at 12:49 pm on May 24th, 2009

How nice to read a helpful, wise, and appropriate article on anger. This is in stark contrast to to Randle’s flat statement that anger is never healthy. Anger is a natural response to having our territory or our emotional sense of self being violated. How we deal with it is critically important. Mindfulness is not new–it is an age old way of being that helps us deal with all sorts of stuff.