In an earlier blog Refusing to Forgive: 9 Steps to Break Free , a community member asked the question:
How can you forgive the same person for the 100th time after they have repeatedly engaged in the same behavior and offense towards you - after you have truly forgiven them in the past yet they continue to lie and cheat — now there is no more trust and forgiveness left in you and you are left with constant distrust, hate and resentment, and self doubt.
I don’t think you can really forgive someone who is continually violating you, but all hope is not lost. This question is touching on a fundamental topic in the field of human relationships, integrity, and self respect and that is self-worth and boundaries. One common understanding that most people can agree on is that we simply cannot change other people if they don’t want to change themselves. So, when you are staying in a relationship with someone who is continually offending and disrespecting you to the point where there is constant distrust, hate and resentment, it’s important to turn the spotlight off of them and onto you. What do I mean by this? It’s time to take an inventory of why yo are still engaging with this person. The fact of the matter is, more often than not there is often an underlying belief and self-judgment that you are worthless. When we begin to become present to the reality that this erroneous self-judgment and belief is there, we can begin to work with toward feeling a greater sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
How did this thought get there anyway? The thought “I am worthless” can be deep seeded from the time we are children. If we were continually violated or picked on in any way, the mind goes to work, as it does, searching for a reason why this is happening. ”Oh”, the mind says, “I get it, I am getting violated or picked on because I am worthless,” and the mind is satisfied and the belief sets in. As a child the mind doesn’t struggle as much because it is satisfied with its solution, but as an adult, this doesn’t work anymore.
It’s important to know that our thoughts and judgments are not facts. If they were facts they would always be there. The fact is, our thoughts change depending on our mood. For example, let’s say you take on a challenging task and cannot complete it. If you were depressed you would think you were worthless, if you were feeling well you might think that this task just wasn’t for you. It’s the same event, just a different interpretation depending on your mood. Therefore we can say that these thoughts and judgments are not facts, but just impermanent neural firings that come and go in our minds. Therefore, it’s important to understand where they come from and that they are not facts.
To work with this:
At the end of the day, ask yourself, are you staying in the crosshairs of this other person out of fear or out of love? Often times it is out of fear of getting hurt or being alone if you stand up to the person or set up boundaries. When acting out of fear we often times put ourselves in a position of being a victim.
Setting Boundaries
As you build your sense of self-worth you can also begin to build boundaries. Tell the person what feelings come up for you when they act the way they do. If they react in an erratic and aggressive tone, let them know to respect your boundaries and speak to you in a calm voice.
Walking Away
If they continue to react this way, you may have to remove yourself from the situation. Sometimes, we need to actually leave a dysfunctional relationship as painful as that may sound. Know that this is not a failure, but a more skillful action toward self-worth and healing. From this place of distance, you may be able to cultivate a more lasting sense of forgiveness to finally release yourself of this burden.
As always, please write your thoughts and questions below. Your interaction here provides a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.
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From Psych Central's Dr. Elisha Goldstein:
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Thank you once again. Always find your blog helpful. I have kind of a request. Could you consider spending more time speaking further to self- worth/self esteem feeling worthless etc. as a series kind of like you are with forgiveness. Thanks.
Hi Paul,
Thank you for your words and suggestions. I will definitely keep this in mind as it is an important topic that we can all identify with.
Great post. Its hard sometimes reminding people that forgiveness is as much about resolving something for yourself internally as it is forgiving the other person and mindfulness is a great tool in the direction.
Thank you for this excellent post.
What if the person who keeps tromping over you, is a parent and the parent is verbally aggressive when you try to express how you feel and unwilling to modify their behavior.
After many years of this, is it okay to walk away? There seems to be a message in society that you should always try to work it out with your family and there is something lacking in you if you don’t have a good relationship with your parents.
Marie
This is a very good question. “Ok to walk away” is inevitably up to you. However, if you’ve tried different paths over many years, you may come to the point where you recognize ways you can relate and ways you cannot relate to this parent. So, you draw those boundaries and try and enjoy the ways you can connect and choose to not go down the well-worn paths that you know lead to verbal aggression. If it is all verbal aggression, then at some point it may be important to be assertive and let them know that if they continue this way you will not be able to interact with them. Either way, there will likely be some grieving involved.
I found your website insightful. There does seem to be an element of lack of selfworth and selfesteem with all abuse-victim and aggressor, which leads to a lack of trust. I tried talking it over with a councelor, but he in effect, laughed in my face, and turned on me also, when I so badly needed vindication. In fact, he excused all the abuse heaped on me throughout the years and told me to in effect accept it and move on or leave services offered. I was shattered. One more person that turned on me. I was left with the feeling that to know me is to hate me and that I am unlikable and unloveable. How does one recover from a mental health councelor who turns on his client?
I’m so sorry you had that experience Margo. Sometimes the doctor/client relationship is not the right one. If it is possible at all, you may want to try another therapist as the right connection and acceptance can be very healing.
I found this very helpful, along w/the comments &questions of other readers. I can relate to the feelings of worthlessness&unlovableness-They initially came from my family(parents)&have continued to be fed as truth by all of my intimate partners in long term relationships, as well as w/my ex-husband. It is very hard for me to forgive&to not hold grudges because I saw my parents reacting that way all through my childhood&I “learned” that all of that was acceptable behavior. I am just barely starting to recognize that I’m only hurting myself w/all of this anger, resentment&hatred. I know though that I’m determined to change&I WILL succeed
I have found, your convictions very,helpful-but I have the problem when my child holds my grandchildren,in emotional blackmail and denies me the right to see them.I feel pity,&loss.His wife is asian,very educated,and has always treated me with an elitist attitude.I have constantly told her I loved her & wanted to be friends,but I ended up being berated,and shes’ inverted all I have said,nothing but fights.I am still trying to communicate,I want peace,and to have my own opinion,without reprisal.I am not allowed that.
I am not prejudice, at all,in fact I was so happy,when my son told me of his love for her-but I have learned of the icey,coldness, now of how they see us,visa vie her mother.-Thru yrs.of the ‘ching chong chinamen ‘abuse, they have endured from other nationalities.Little do they know, of the many stero-types we all carry-one way or another.I cannot get ‘thru’ to either,and my g-children are growing up with out me. help….G-d bless you.
What if my own words and tone sound harsh and aggressive (”grilling me” is the feedback I get) - and this generates an angry response from the other person? I dont mean to sound harsh but wind up sounding so.
Eg. the S.O. was alarmed about the amount on a bill; I tried to respond - “what was the amount the last month? was that month for the same number of people” - my analytical hat was on trying to find out if the bill was high, was it some new add-on, were we comparing apples to apples etc. and the angry response i got “get off that tone, like you’re grilling me, I dont remember last month’s bill” I could not continue the conversation bcause I was angry too by then - but I realized all I needed to do the first time was say something empathetic (mindless?) like “oh dear, another big bill!”
this has been happening often - of course my “analytical” tone is urgent and business like, not relaxed and idly curious - probably I am also tense around this person
I realized from your article that not seeing my in laws who have been insulting, envious and down right mean spirited was the best thing I could have done for myself.
After numerous attacks about events I was not able to attend ( many I did attend have gone un-noticed) and gifts I gave that were disappointing to them, I called it quits after 20 years.
I feel bad that my husband insists on seeing them from time to time and I wont go with him however, I feel much better knowing that I made a decision to avoid an emotional response to their bad behavior.
Your article reinforced my decision to avoid abuse and negative remarks by not seeing those individuals who enjoy treating family members so badly.
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