I couldn’t agree more. I was having a real problem with forgiveness, because everything I’d read suggested a reconciliation with people who had hurt me deeply.

However, once I learned I could forgive without reconciliation, it made all the difference. And you’re right: the anger, resentment, and sadness was mine, not theirs.

u know i had the same feeling once ago <but frankly i can not be like these any more .sometimes u just hate and nothing but hate .u think it s ok but after awail ull be sad so the forgiveness is the best for sure .

I can not agree more, forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves however, my grudge is with my mother. I can not determine how to forgive while working toward reconciliation. Any suggestions?

What if it is yourself that you cannot forgive?? Any thoughts on that?

atfer a painful divorce i forgave my husband and his adulteress whom he married two weeks later.there are still issuses that he refuses to finish and therefore there are always instances where i feel helpless in the forgive department

Forgiveness. I do not quite understand your definition …”peace and understanding com from BLAMING that which has hurt you LESS….” ??
Would you please explain?
I need to learn to forgive a person who has hurt me very deeply.
Thank you.

I am visiting the US at this moment and living for my native country on the 5th of May. I am staying at Rockville Md 20850. Where can I get the book on refusing to forgive asap. Do you send it by mail in les than a week time? what is the price.

Thanks for your prompt answer.

Laura Lancini

How can you forgive the same person for the 100th time after they have repeatedly engaged in the same behavior and offense towards you — after you have truly forgiven them in the past yet they continue to lie and cheat —- now there is no more trust and forgiveness left in you and you are left with constant distrust, hate and resentment, and self doubt.

Anger and resentment one feels can spill over into all relationships if you’re not careful. These feelings can cause you be suspicious of everyone’s intentions. The best you can do is to understand yourself. Sometimes we create our own unhappiness by ALLOWING another to hurt us. Forgiveness isn’t only about the other person, it’s also about forgiving ourselves.

How can you forgive someone after they have repeatedly lied and cheated after you have forgiven them numerous times yet they continue to lie and cheat. I am left with no more trust and have no more forigiveness left in me. I have constant distrust, hate and resentment,

I have to agree with the comment above, I honestly thought that forgiving meant forgiving the person.
My family had been telling me that it didn’t mean forgiving the person, but it wasn’t until I read about how I was holding my body that it finally really hit me. You completely changed my understanding of what forgivness really means!

How do you deal with someone who is perpetually committing acts causing anguish, chaos, and torment in my life, and also negatively affecting my children? I would totally remove him from my life, but he is my children’s father. Do I go through these nine steps of “forgiveness” every day? I find that often my anger is helpful, in that it motivates me to act in ways that protect me and my children. Any suggestions would be appreciated. And no, he’s not physically harming any of us, that would be easy. The harm is psychological and financial.

I found it very interesting and the amazing thing to me is that last night I started to make a list forgiving me for the wrong things I have made in the past til today. That was quite a job to be sincere with oneself. I find it is easy to cheat when you are doing it. Maybe because it is very sad to know you have been not as nice as you thought you were.

I really enjoyed this article but I could not help wondering why in my opinion, God was not mentioned? I feel that it is truely helpful to recognize that our sins are forgiven on a daily basis. This allows humility and reality to help ease the blow.

Hi! I agree with your article 100% as I am making a copy of it to always reread as a reminder. My
question is “how do you get someone else to forgive and let go of anger?” I have a older sister who does not speak to me, my parents, her other siblings b/c her son has been into drugs and
blames all of us b/c he will come to us to talk about his problem but not his mom, so she blames us
and says we should butt out shes his mom not us. We all know why ” my sister has always been a screamer at her kids growing up and still and they
don’t wish to dicuss things with her b/c she screams and can’t talk. SHe has not talked to me in
a year and a half, only if she thinks I know something she calls me up with nasty language calls me names and them hangs up. When you call her back to tal she wont answer her phone. I miss
her and feel for her b/c shes a very stressful person but I will not tolerate her speaking to me
like that no more so we don’t talk at all. i also
should note that I am the little sister and she has
always come to me for help, money, etc,.in the past. She always blames everyone else for her problems when I beleive she is the one that needs
to look at herself and get help. I have even offered to pay for counselling for her. I was gonna
mail her a copy of this but know it will make her angrier, and suggestions or books I can send her?
thanks so much and love reading all your articles.
God Bless and looking forward to hearing from you.
Tam

I am having a problem with someone who ended a 37 year friendship. I am in constant stress because she lives in close proximity to my house and every time I see her she has a sneer on her face or she makes some kind of derogatory comment. There is no chance of any kind of reconciliation but I always thought of forgiveness as being one in the same. I am in the progress of letting go of the anger and resentment that I have for this person and just letting her go and live in peace. It is only then that I will find peace to live my life without the constant stress that bogs me down day after day.

Thank you all so much for all your comments and questions. Learning to forgive can be a challenging process that requires patience, determination, and most of all a lot of compassion for ourselves. Writing a long comment here to address all the questions won’t do them justice. Because there have been such heartfelt and important questions asked here, I have decided to do a series of blogs that will answer these. The first one about how we forgive ourselves you can find here. Continue to comment here and stay tuned for the rest!

I was diagnosed with Post traumatic stress syndrome two years ago from what was done to me in a divorce in 1992. I have forgiven them but I cannot get over it. I have children that were brainwashed. I cannot see them nor a couple grandchildren who live 24 miles away. I keeping forgiving my children, it still hurts. I do not know how to let go of loving my children. I do not think it is possible. But forgiveness is the way to live. A nice live a good life a christian life or whatever you want to call being a good person.

I’m currently working through my PTSD caused by past sexual abuse a family member did to me from the ages of 5 to 11. I’m also taking a sexual abuse recovery class and last week’s lesson was “starting to forgive”. I’m wondering if it’s possible to forgive if I still have intense feelings about what happened to me? I guess I’m consirned with forgiving too early and having it come back to get me.

A lot of these comments are similar to what I am feeling. I’m not getting exactly what it is to “forgive”. “Grudge” isn’t exactly the right word for not wanting to associate with someone who is constantly self centered, manipulative and phony. How about when you just don’t want to be with inconsiderate family members anymore? Is that holding a grudge? I didn’t think it was but my mother accuses me of holding a grudge against another family member and defending everything they do. Which is also part of the reason why I don’t want to see or talk to her anymore either. I read the comment on resentment spilling into other relationships. Of course it will if the others are growing closer because of how they feel about you. It’s hard to help yourself separate from people or forgive when others are always trying to pressure you into just being happy about everything that comes at you.

Hi Mandy,
I think you are wise to take it step by step. I would bring up your concerns in the class. Remember, the process is just starting to forgive and it doesn’t have to happen all at once, in fact, it likely won’t happen all at once as much as you try. This is a process and a practice. Your determination, patience, and compassion for yourself can help guide you through as you continue to work with this. I applaud your courage and self love to begin this process.

Here are parts of a great article on forgiveness:
The Politics of Forgiveness:
How the Christian Church Guilt-Trips Survivors
By Fred Keene
Many Christian clergy interpret the Bible to mean that survivors of child abuse, battery, and sexual assault are somehow supposed to forgive the perpetrator. It seems as if everyone in the world believes the same dictum: If you have been abused, you should find it in your heart to forgive your abuser. And if you cannot, there is something wrong with you; you are not a good person.
For religious Christian survivors, such counsel adds horrible complications to the healing process. But even in its secular form, the pressure to forgive abusers is a powerful tool of social control, one that continues to blame the victim.
The virtue of “forgiving those who harm us” is part of Christianity’s pervasive legacy to Western culture. It is invariably attributed to the teachings of Jesus as found in the Christian Bible. Ironically, though, there is absolutely no scriptural basis for this notion of interpersonal forgiveness.
What the New Testament does say is that people with more power should forgive people with less power — or, as in the case of the first-century Christian communities, people should forgive each other because they are social equals (”brothers and sisters”). Nowhere in the Christian Bible is forgiveness even discussed, much less required, when the person who is harmed is less powerful than the person doing the harming.
There are three words used in the New Testament for the verb “to forgive.” These three words — especially aphiemi, the one most commonly used for interpersonal forgiveness — are the same words used for acts of absolving a debt or releasing a prisoner. These are financial and juridicial acts, and the capacity to perform them could only belong to more powerful people in the society.
When Jesus forgave people, it was always as a more powerful person. As an honored teacher, for example, in one of his most famous such acts, he forgave the sins of a prostitute. The only time Jesus was in a less powerful position was on the cross. There, according to the Gospel of Luke, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Jesus himself did not forgive the people who were killing him. Linguistically and politically, he was in no position to do so. All he could do was to take a pass on the forgiveness question and hand it upstairs to God.
But there is another, more political reason for preaching to the less powerful that they should forgive unconditionally: It protects the powerful. If a person with more power — whether familial or ecclesiastical or economic — does something harmful to another, it is very convenient to have the dominant religion teach that the person harmed must forgive the wrong. If the person harmed will not do so, then that person can be shamed and blamed for being “unforgiving,” and responsibility for the crime can be shifted from the perpetrator to the victim.
This nonscriptural switch has proven extremely useful to the church. Having taught for centuries the necessity of forgiving one’s abuser, the church now uses the doctrine to protect abusive clergy, making survivors of clerical sexual abuse feel at fault. It is no coincidence that the very word hierarchy, in its Greek root, means “priestly (hier-) power structure (-archy).”
If the actual New Testament teachings were applied, the result would be quite different. In the New Testament, the only way a person can forgive is to become no longer the weaker party in the relationship. Either the survivor must be raised up to equal power, or else the abuser must be stripped of power. One way or another, the former power relationships must no longer exist.
Those who object to the idea that abusers must give up power often raise the idea of “repentance.” Just as abusive clergy often express sorrow and remorse (at least when they are caught), wife-beaters are notorious for saying they are sorry, in order to get their wives to take them back (at least until next time). But these are empty expressions of contrition. Actual repentance (as spelled out in Christian Scripture) requires a real, substantive change. The Greek word for repentance in the New Testament is metanoia, which means “a reversal” or “turning around.” Remorse is not enough; metanoia, repentance, means that the power relationship has to change. The abusers — the perpetrators of pain and injustice — must no longer have the power to continue their abuse. Put simply, the meaning of repentance is the giving up of power.
There are two approaches to implementing this concept of repentance: the person with power must give it up — or have it taken away.

HOW CAN I START TO FORGIVE PERSONS THAT HAVE HURT ME SO HORRIBLY IN THE PAST, I HAVE SAID AND TOLD MY FAMILY THAT I HAVE FORGIVEN THESE PEOPLE BUT I AM ONLY FOOLING MYSELF. DUE TO ALL THE SEVERE PAST ABUSE, CHEATING, AND A BETRAYAL BY A VERY CLOSE FRIEND, I AM NOW ON DISABILITY, SUFFERING FROM PTSD, AND VARIOUS MEDICAL PROBLEMS, FROM ALL THE ABUSE I CANNOT EVEN CONFRONT TWO OF THE PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD. I TRUST NO ONE AND I HAVE NO FRIENDS. I AM SO LONELY YET I AM ALLOWING THE PAST TO KEEP ME IN WHAT I CALL BONDAGE. THERAPY HAS NOT HELPED ONE IOTA, AND I HAVE BEN TO SEVERAL. I AM 57YS OLD AND DON’T WANT TO LIVE THE REST OF MY LIFE WASTED ON THE PAST. I WANT TO BE HAPPY OR AT LEAST KNOW WHAT HAPPINESS IS AGAIN. WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP MYSELF ENJOY LIFE AGAIN.

My sister, unfortunatly went directly behind my back to inform family of my being in her state. After a very sad funeral of our Aunt, in which none of her siblings attended I felt like I was there to represent her and her passing. My sister has yet to explain her reasoning. I feel so sad as we used to talk about everything and almost everyday to each other. I told her she had done nothing to me that needed my forgiveness, I only wanted to know why she did it.. I am so sad.. We have not talked since Feb. Any ideas or help?

Forgiveness is hard but can be achieved maybe not on our own strength but with the Lord’s help…The story of my life has helped me to lean on Jesus my Lord and Saviour… He has helped me to forgive others and without HIM I could not have overcome the overwhelming pain and burdens in life. He bore the burdens and shame on the cross and He is the expert at forgiveness… He forgave us even when we didnt deserve it… His healing touch and love is so comforting… the bible is true and Jesus is real!! His blood shed for our sins is the most redeeming power of love ever!!! You can ask the Lord for help in forgiving someone and He will give you the strength… He will never leave you, hurt you, or reject you! trust in Jesus!!

It’s a shame that we put up with so much from people who think they can say and do what-ever they want to us to hurt us and think we don’t have any feelings and we’ll get over it. This con tinues and we continue to put up with it because we truly love them and truly believe that they will change and things will be better. Ok when is this going to happen? We the people with the big hearts seem to put up with alot to please other people. Forgiveness is a HUGE thing to do over and over again it should not have to be this way and why is it? Because the people that are hurting us don’t have compassion for others the way we do.

It’s a shame that we put up with so much from people who think they can say and do what-ever they want to us to hurt us and think we don’t have any feelings and we’ll get over it. This con tinues and we continue to put up with it because we truly love them and truly believe that they will change and things will be better. Ok when is this going to happen? We the people with the big hearts seem to put up with alot to please other people. Forgiveness is a HUGE thing to do over and over again it should not have to be this way and why is it? Because the people that are hurting us don’t have compassion for others the way we do. So one day we just wake up and make our minds up to stop it and either leave the relationship and move on even after talking to the person or people over and over about everything trying to find reasoning and understanding.Why doesn’t it ever come? Forgiving ourselves is the best thing to do to move on with a happier life because we are worth it and we need it. And moving on has a way of waking up the other person on how serious you are about happieness and peace in your life. That’s why we have big hearts we need to share it with ourslves more often.We are worth more than what others judge us or treat us. I’m alot happier person now that I have made up my mind to value myself more than what I was being treated and give myself some of that happiness I was giving to the other person who didn’t appreciate it.

u r really helping those hearts.who r really suferer.hurted by some means.help and suggest.that after living 23 years.together.some body ask u that in this age ilike some one else.with out any real reason.with 4 kids.elder one.23years.some body make a fool to some.want money already he get that is it love i wnt ur comments how i forgive that person

Life is full of surprises, is true to forgive in order to be happy.
After 7 years of marriage my husband cheated, lied, betrayed, humiliated me. There are no words to say how I am feeling right now. He is a stranger, how could this men be acting so different so cruel with my emotions.
He obviously stayed with his lover and now tells me she is the one for him, yet trying to come back to me while being with her. Why are men such animals. I hope I can forgive him, but at this time is healing process.

Hi! Well i understand about the need 2 forgive but what about this fear i have about the same thing happening all over again?

I think the main point here is that forgivness is about self healing, not at all about the other person. Also, very helpful to finally understand that it does not always mean reconcilliation. My struggle has always been that I feel like if I forgive and let go of my anger then I will have to stay. Some people you have to get out of your life (or really really limit your time with them if they are family or your childrens father), some people are just toxic and you have to do this to be able to forgive and let go of the anger.This article was very helpful and will give a healthy mindset and help me to be a more balanced person. Thanks

In traumatic circumstances, there will be fear around the same thing happening again. Trauma occurs on a continuum, there is “trauma” and “Trauma”. Each can elicit fear about whatever we fear happening again. Our first step is to acknowledge this fear and understand where it is coming from. Depending if you are living with someone in our life who is continually violating you, it’s important to take steps to cultivate healthy boundaries to keep yourself safe. Fear is natural and is ok to feel, however, if there is little chance of the issue happening again, it is important to remind ourselves of this while knowing where the fear is coming from. Here is a great writing about fear:

http://drsgoldstein.com/fearisyesterday.aspx

If you have suffered a Trauma and the fear seems to be getting the best of you day in and day out, it may be best to seek support from a skilled therapist.

What are good ways to boost up your self-esteem?

I can identify with those who wrote of betrayal. As is so often the case, that betrayal is multiplied when it involves a spouse and someone you considered a friend. I came so very close to ending my marriage - my husband begged me to stay, vowing that he would change. I did, and he has. I made it clear that I would never give him “another chance”, ever again. He can’t do enough for me, and yet… The pain that I felt is still with me, although it has gotten easier to bear, after 5 years. I cannot believe that it has been so long! AND, that it would continue to plague me after so many years. The really, really awful part is that I feel as though I have lost 5 years of my life. My health has suffered, as so many of the other posters have reported, and I have aged a good ten years in my looks. I prayed and prayed that I would be able to forgive my husband and the other woman, but find it to be a nearly daily struggle. Not one day goes by that what they did does not run through my mind, although I have learned that it is impossible to think of two things at once! At first, it was on my mind continuously - literally - and it consumed me. It is getting better, a little at a time. My husband’s continued kindness and contrition have made all of the difference. I do love him, although it is not quite the love that I used to feel for him - my husband of (at the time of the affair) 30 years. I do believe that I have forgiven him. I no longer let him know when something happens to remind me of the past. I try to live in the present and the future! My feelings for the other woman have toned down over time. At first I was obsessed by a very real need for revenge, but finally came to realize that as long as I did that, I was giving her power over me - she had all of my attention, and I didn’t want that! I must say that I really thought that I had a handle on this until I ended up face to face with her, and I had to get out of the building! My composure crumbled just from being in her presence. All of those old emotions came rushing up to the surface - it took me months to work through my feelings again. I found myself wondering whether or not there is any real justice in life, but still have faith that someday, there will be a final accounting for what we all have done in this life. One of my mom’s favorite sayings was, “What goes around, comes around.” Now, I am just trying to live the best life possible, putting all of that mess behind me, enjoying the attentions of my husband, and trying not to think about the other woman at all. I once asked my husband about whether or not he still thought of her (this was years ago), and he told me that for him, she is dead - and so are his feelings for her. He told me that he had thought long and hard about what he did, and can only say that he must have been insane to risk what he had. I am just hoping that in time, the triggers that still start my negative thinking (does he compare me with her??? etc.) will one day have no effect upon me. Best wishes to all out there who have overcome their feelings of hatred AND feelings of inadequacy - regaining your self-confidence is in some way tied to this ability to forgive! Blessings-

I tell myself that I have forgiven a person for hurting me so much that I no longer trust anyone. Somedays I completely feel good about forgiving and have no ill feelings and other days(the majority) I feel shamed, hurt and disgust. How can I completely relax myself and not constantly bring it up in my mind to my freinds and to my partner who betrayed me?

Hi been there and know how it feels.
Been see sawing myself - one day I just realised that I could forgive but could never due to biological functioning of my nervous system could not completely forget. So when u remember accept that too and work again to forget and tell yourself it is over it is over it ….

I was abused as a child and in my adult years I asked God to teach me how to forgive. I did that because not forgiving was causing me problems in my marriage and health. Nevertheless, after 25 years of marriage, I ended up divorced. However, I was no angel either.

My question is this: Would it be appropriate to write a letter asking forgiveness for my part of the failed marriage? I tried to stay on a friendly level with my ex, but his new wife would have none of that. If I had stayed married, as another blogger did, I might have been able to work out the marital issues…but, maybe not. Three years after the divorce I found peace in my own heart about a lot of things, and I wanted to reconcile, but the ex already got married.

Also, I want to comment about the “power” issue. I agree with this completely: that in order to find peace and forgiveness for yourself and to forgive others you have to “get back your own power.” I call it my ‘life power.’ Without it, I let people walk over me, insult me, and I don’t say anything. I crawl into a shell. With my life-power back, I stand up and say something if I don’t like what others say or do to me; if someone is inappropriate I state me opionion.

I look at it this way, “I have my life back from the abusers, so, whatever happens that is not good is on them. I can go away from them and live the life I want to live without listening to other people and adopting their beliefs as my own. I think for myself, I find things in life that I enjoy, and I do them.”

It is MY LIFE POWER and once I understood that, I learned to forgive myself and others. After all, I’ve hurt people too, and Christ had the power to forgive me. I had to get the “power” to do the same for those who have hurt me. Whether they become forgiving, too, or not is on them. I finally have a life of my own and I can live it in peace and grace.

I hope all of us will find the same balance and truth. These informative messages and blogs are very helpful.

I just wanted to add that along with the prayers I did a lot of mental work with a therapist to overcome my trauma and heartache. It all worked together for my good! Sometimes I regret the divorce, but on the rare situation when I have to talk with my ex, I realize I did the right thing after all. Also, once I leared HOW to forgive, I was able to live a better life. Dr. Goldstein, your messages are right on target! Thanks!

Forgiveness is required to heal the conscious. If one doesn’t forgive, then one will be angry, sad, depressed, negative, and many other bad and negative feelings. If you are with someone who has cheated and can’t find a way to trust them, then don’t. Everyone deserves a good life. If it’s a friend, then maybe that person is not a friend after all. If it’s a close family member, then talk with them.

There is something wonderful to read. It is called As A Man Thinketh. It’s a very, very small book. It’s less than 50 pages, but it will help you as long as you believe it.

Thank you,

E.

I have trouble with the bit about working hard. Especially since i am depressed too (and getting treatment for it).

I have read about half of the comments above. I feel that while the blogs may provide some little clue to addressing all our concerns. It is in no way enough. I am not saying that it is your job to address our individual griefs but clearly this is a difficult and big topic that cannot be address in 300 words or so. There is no one size fits all. There is a lot of pain up above. And i wish i could talk to all these women. I hope they are all getting someone to talk with. Even if its to take these questions and points further. There is really not enough depth of help available for people who have personal psychological pain. There is really just not enough help available and what is available on the net is simply much to shallow, given the depth of our struggles.

I am working on forgiving a friend of mine that hurt me deeply 6months ago. I have read the comments above and also search for books on forgiveness and recently read “Radical Forgiveness ” by ANtoinette Bosco. A very insightful and helpful book . It is a daily process to forgive and I need to be good to myself ,because my friend who I now realize was really not my friend, hurt me and does not care . I am slowly healing and realizing that God did this ,however very painful, for my good. I put a lot of value in friendships that from this experience, has changed how I view people. My life is really changed forever,but maybe I needed this to empower myself and not put too much into people. Also , I know now I may be a “magnet” for some people,people who need someone like me to latch onto to and I don’t see it and seek friendship take their bait. This has been such a learning and profound experience for me. I am healing in a good way. BUt, what a painful way to heal.

Healing often times involves facing our pain. Please thank yourself for engaging in this process.

forgiveness is a badge of courage-Indira Ghandi—-I have learned it is wasted time in your mind, head,and heart.Keep busy,do things you love to do.You can’t change what happened to you,but if you don’t find a way out of your self pity & hate-your life will be miserable.-and that’s all you have–is one life.Use it to your advantage,by finding new interests,reading new things, travel if you can-even a trip 25 miles away or a new mall,can change the ruminating. Paint your bedroom, scream if you have to…….but them ..go on.Otherwise, the hate ‘owns’ you.—–My mother-in-law used to say………right now your betrayer, or enemy,or family member is eating a good meal, or watching a great movie–not giving you a thought!! and you are wallowing in grief,hate, sorrow, maybe thoughts of revenge.were you living for them,only? If so,you need new friends, lovers,even a pet. meds. can help the horrible anxiety, you might feel.Get angry at your anger, it’s RUINING your life! THEY DON”T CARE.
Replace them, go live, live in the moment. when you find your self feeling sorry for your self—-go clean your closet.Do something that consumes you, with pleasure,or purpose.
I wish you luck,and release from your ugly thoughts.They won’t change, unless you do.
I’ve been there.

i like the comment one above me. Thank you.
I always like the definition for forgiveness, ceasing to feel resentment. If I am resentful I haven’t forgiven like I thought I did and it constitutes nursing a grudge and keeping account of the injury which is destructive and unhealthy for me. So I go back and forgive and forget and I point out 5 good things I like about the individual for every 1 thing that hurt me. This seems to give me a more balanced view of the person. That way I am not blinded to their goods by their glaring faults. Each of the 4 temperaments have strengths and weaknesses. You will never meet a perfect person. The Bible states to forgive 77 x 7. Plus the Creator forgives us countless errors daily and expects we do the same for others who stomp their hooves on our face–likely not deliberately. Again you are the most benefitted by letting go of the anger. What is it: unforgiveness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other to die? Guess who dies? you do.–paralyzes your will to live and sucks your power and chronically fatigues.
Another thought was comparing a holding onto a grievance grudge likened to holding a glass of water. After about 5 minutes dont you want to put the glass down? Some people hold that glass in the air for 30years. That has got to be tiring!!! Put the dang grudge down and use your hand for things that benefit you and bring you health.