Imagine that you’re walking in a park and you here some birds chirping. The sun is shining on your face and then you notice you’re feeling pretty lousy. Then you think, “What’s wrong with me, it’s a beautiful day, I should be feeling great.”
Sit with that for a minute, “I should be feeling great.”
Our minds do this all the time, they focus on where we should be rather than where we are and in turn are focusing on a gap, a deficiency. When we’re focusing on an idea that we are not where we want to be, it often makes us feel worse.
Indian Poet Kabir writes, “Oh mind you carry on your back, Your actions like a heavy sack.”
Your mind can’t help it. It’s trying to help, trying to get you out of what it perceives to be a problem. So it thinks about the deficiency, which leads to the thought that you are not where you want to be, maybe a judgment that you are “weak” or “lousy”, and potentially a fear about where you will end up.
Kabir continues, “No wonder that your shoulders ache, Another strain’s enough to break Your neck, So drop this stupid load.”
Thanks Kabir, but easier said than done. One of the central attitudes that is important to cultivate and develop over time when it comes to our minds is patience. Oh, none of us want to hear that, patience may be the last thing we have. However, in reality, often times change doesn’t happen as quickly as a click of the mouse on your computer. It happens through first cultivating an awareness and curiosity about what unconscious strategies we’re using that are ineffective and then beginning to do something different. In this case, we can become aware of the stories our minds begin to spin.
And the response to this might be, “yeah right, I can’t do that.” Let’s look at this statement for a second with a different lens. Where is this coming from? Might this statement be trying to keep you safe from venturing out and doing something different? Imagine this voice as a young child inside of you full of fear. What would you tell that young child? Maybe, “I know you’re afraid, I’m afraid too, but let’s trying something different this time.” This little afraid child inside will come back again and again with his/her objections. When this happens, just notice and acknowledge this voice, even have a dialogue with it like above. Let it be and gently begin to refocus, with a sense of curiosity and patience. In other words, frustration and fear are expected to arise in the face of changing old patterns. You might even notice that “this is it!” This voice inside and how you are feeling is the reality of the present moment. As soon as you notice this you have arrived. Good work. It might be unpleasant, painful, or uncomfortable, but only by arriving and acknowledging the present moment can you choose to do something different.
At this point we can finish what Kabir says:
“This is the last stop on the road where you can find rest, Stay, be Love’s guest.”
The late Richard Carlson, author of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, And It’s All Small Stuff once said, “Be grateful during the good times and graceful during the difficult times.” May we all hold this as an aspiration.
As always, please share your thoughts, stories and questions below. Your additions here provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.
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Wonderful post! That’s interesting … in an interview with another blogger, she asked what advice I try best to live by, and it was that: “don’t sweat the small stuff, and it’s all small stuff.” Great work you’re doing.
This is definitely a challenging and thought-provoking article. I think being able to focus on your thoughts is difficult but the idea of focusing on the thought to then change the thought seems very overwhelming. I identify with the origin of the “yeah, right, I can’t do that” thought. It is a knee-jerk response to a threatened change in my thinking pattern or behavior. I am only now beginning to recognize my thoughts. Once I gain back my ability to concentrate and focus, I would like to work on changing my thinking and I appreciate this article as it gives me direction and motivation for change. Thank you!!!
Great Blog!…I find,just like you mention,that focusing on what you do want and not what you don’t !…Is the way to go,in having your dreams and desire,come true.Negative thinking and the lack of faith,either with yourself or the almighty,will always draw bad energy! It’s the law of attraction !!!…Keep focusing on the good and positive and watch yourself like an outside observer and delete negativism,when it starts to set in.Keep up the good work!!!
LOTS OF INSIGHT INTO THE HUMAN PSYCHE AND THE PAST…
This reminds me of separation therapy technique in the book Big You Little YOu. How you separate yourself into 2 people and have a communication dialogue between Big You (Parent-like or wise guide) and Little You (scared,insecure, emotionalchild you were at age 5?) The parent voice is to your right and the child is to your left and they rally back and forth with the child expressing and the wise one hearing, acknowledging and advising. Actually there is a 3rd person in the triagle and that is you as the voice for the two. As the 3rd person looks to the right at the parent–then it becomes the audible voice for the speaker. Then when its the child’s turn the 3rd person looks to the left and becomes the audible articulating voice of the child. I know this sounds strange and beyond, but I have found this is a wonderful way of expressing what’s bothering me. Its amazing how when I ask the child side of myself if something is bothering her, its amazing how she is just out with it unblocked, uncut, unedited. This can be really a beneficial and insightful technigue. –mostly it expresses whats bothering me and its heard and acknowledged and another perspective by the adult parent side of myself is explained to the child to hear it and assure it. Anyway. I asked a psychiatrist his opinion on this and he was gung ho over it,and so am I.
I don’t really understand all this about the need for ‘positive thinking.’ Why do I need to change negative thoughts into happy ones. I value all of my experiences just the same and I don’t feel threatened by my negative thoughts and moods, not even when I hate everything and/or feel like killing everyone. it’s just, that I don’t take my feelings and thoughts so seriously.
It is additionally a common occurrence with me, that in situations where/when I expect to feel and/or think ‘terrible’, and even prepare myself for ‘depression’ as it would make total sense realistically, that I am surprised to realize that rather than feeling angry or sad, I am actually happy and relieved, and which is just as unexpected as it would be the other way around. some of my happiest moments and thoughts and feelings were when I was struggling with cancer, after my business partner fled the state with tons of my money, and after I came out to the worst trauma of my life.
Hi Katrin,
sounds like you are doing things that are effective for you. It sounds like you really accepted the difficult space where you were and this in itself can be transformative.
The purpose of this article isn’t to send the message that we need to just practice “positive thinking”, but as Richard Carlson had said, be grateful when things are going well and graceful when they’re more difficult. Often times when uncomfortable emotions come and visit, most people struggle with them, trying to push them away. The purpose here is to notice when this habitual reaction is occurring and choose to do something different, “be with it”, “acknowledge it”, and be graceful as it comes and goes. This takes time to cultivate this ability and is a practice.
Thank you for responding, Dr. Elisha. After explaining what you really more meant, I am realizing that I still do have quite a lot of work to do with this, especially when the negative feelings are of a certain kind and too overwhelming. In fact, the more I try to fight them and make the, go away, the worse they get and also my ‘acting them out in the exact opposite way that I wish to. More specifically, my actions are against my own will. This then hurts me tremendously because it goes against my own rules and values. I am not speaking of huge things, but to me they are huge, like obsessively e-mailing, etc. Thanks for clarifying.
i love the quete, and i should read more XD
this is awesome, i like this cause my concous mind always tells me what to do and whatnot to do
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