i just can’t seem to get past the sadness of a broken relationship due to the cheating that went on while we were still together. even now he still doesn’t want to let go of our relationship, even asking me to see him when he travelled away from his new girlfriend who is half his age. i keep going over and over why did this happen? what could i have done? why does he still want some form of relationship with me?

When I was 21 I got pregnant out of wedlock. My mother was a minister and I was so ashamed but worked really hard and raised my son who is now 23. On his 1st birthday(22 years ago) we buried my mom and for some reason I have not been able to really forgive my self for feelings of having disappointed her. I am now in my 40’s and want so much to move on. My son is a great young man and has done nothing but make me proud, how do I move past this and allow myself to be happy to move forward in the dreams I have for me. Thanks, feeling undeserving of happiness.

Thanks a lot for letting me know more about forgiveness and especially self pardonning.It’s really a great deal of help, for untill now i never did know how to forgive myself.
I can’t agree more with the bible that says our sins are constanly forgiven day after day.Thus,it would be unreasonable for anybody to stay glued to any grudge.I hope this would serve as a remedy for millions of grudge bearers.Thanks again

Thank you. But I don’t know where to start. I left a 20 year marriage, not perfect, but good, and 2 late teen daughters because I was having an affair. Now I have been alone for the past 10 years. I believe it is my punishment and that I will spend the rest of my life alone. Both daughters have their own troubles which - had I stayed - may not have been the case. I just don’t know how to move on.

I Also believe that believing in fate can help us forgive ourselves faster,thanks for your post

For years I carried extreme guilt for many mistakes I made in the past. I finally realized, at the time I did what I did, I had the best of intentions and had no idea how it was going to eventually turn out. I look at the mistakes I made with my children and all I want to do is cringe. If I had any idea of what the outcome was going to be by my actions, I would have done a whole bunch of thigs differently. I was dumb, but not bad. With places like Psych Central and all the other help available now, we can have better information of how what we are doing or not doing may turn out.

it is easy to look for magical ways to fix things, but they always cause problems in the end. If you have behaved badly, figure out how to behave better, find a way to do better and that is your forgiveness.
There is one very good reason to forgive, it allows you to function better. If you look to magical thinking like fate it will end up causing problems in the end. Fate takes away responsibility, if you want to behave better that is a bad idea.
Learn from the past and work to do better and don’t compound the problem by emotionally whipping yourself with mistakes. This causes more trauma.

I have relapsed once again.
Tomorrow I ‘ll go to my meeting & tell them. I told my sponsor today & I also hurt her by saying I didn’t really think she was an alcoholic.She’s 30 years sober.
I’d like to be drunk all the time.I feel better that way.I’ve been in rehab 5 times.I’ve been in AA since 1983.
I’m not thinking clearly. I’m not drinking now(2days)but I’m sick of myself at the moment.Especially now, reading what I just wrote.
I’m tired of it all. No backbone, I suppose.

I feel for you Jennifer. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

As to me and my comment. Someone recently suggested that I had never forgiven myself for something - a broken relationship long ago - and it struck me as being a significant thought, true. But I have to say can’t see anything in the blog that helps me with that. I didn’t cheat on anyone. I was just not a together person and did not have the skills to be any better than I was. I loved this guy and he left me for someone else. He got in touch with me recently and he is still with that woman. All the pain and feelings and everything has come back exactly as it was at the time. Its been a second rejection. It is so painful despite all the years since. I have been single ever since. For six years after it ended, I thought i wasn’t fit for a relationship. Then i realised that was wrong thinking but I still haven’t found anyone. I still regret everything that happened. I have never stopped being sad about it. I don’t know how to get past this. I am currently depressed because this guy came back. I was doing much better before he came back and wish he hadn’t contacted me. I even told him that. But now I am finding i can’t let him go at all. I have no strength for this at all. Its just all pain and regret.

I left a 26 year marriage, not perfect, but good, I was having an affair. Now I have been with the man I was having the affair with for the last 13 years. Ten years ago my husband died suddenly and it devastated me and my daughters. I do not like the relationship I am in and I feel this is some sort of punishment for what I did to my husband. I just want my husband to say he forgives me and since he died obviously he cannot. I also found that the very important things in life were the things I had with my husband not with this man I am with. I am frustrated because I do not have the option of going back to my husband and it saddens me.I feel so quilty each and everyday and am very sad most of the time because my husband is not here. We never divorced, just separated. What can I do to make myself feel better?

I like your thought to tell ourselves we are not the first person to make this mistake…

For some reason that brings relief to me.

Is it because it reminds me that we are all imperfect humans and there is nothing new under the sun?

Am I relieved because its the reminder that I am not the only one on this earth that’s unskilled and stupid!?

I like the thought too of leaving the past in the past and stating that at present I am not continuing to do that particular sin I heinously committed.

This Bible scripture is coming to my mind:
(James 3:2) . . .For we all stumble many times. If anyone does not stumble in word, this one is a perfect man, able to bridle also [his] whole body.

Destructive guilt can really get out of control can’t it?

If we make the correction and apologize and ask for forgiveness and forgive ourselves then it should be done right?

Or do we forget to forgive ourselves and forget it?

Wow Ms. Alex Hill.

 For I was ready to limp, And my pain was in front of me constantly.(Psalm 38:17)

. . .My very heart is in severe pain within me,. . .(Psalm 55:4)

That’s a complex problem I can partly identify with!!

Let me understand this correctly: You want your dead husband’s forgiveness and you also want a relationship back with your dead husband. You think the unhappiness in the affair relationship is punishment for having the affair.

Ms. Hill you had an affair because your needs were not met by the dead husband so you were unhappy with how he failed to meet your needs.

You sought another man to meet those needs…
Now you want the dead man back to restore those important provisions he once provided you of which you realize you appreciated and miss?

You are in a cycle of destructive defeat arent you?
You can’t win for losing huh?

If you are going backwards to what you formerly left behind then its because of what?

You are not making anything happen in your present?

Do not go backwards into the past.

(Proverbs 26:11) . . .Just like a dog returning to its vomit, the stupid one is repeating his foolishness.

Ms. Hill don’t return to the past vomit and try to eat what you vomited up from that relationship now defunct.

If I may ask: Do you feel responsible for his death?

…If true that you want his forgiveness this shows that you are sorry…If true this means you would like to say that to him…If true this means you really want him to know you are sorry….If true this means you want him to know you loved him too…If this is true this means you are yearning to have a continued relationship with a dead man…If true this means you have not accepted the fact that he has ceased to exist…If this is true this means in order for you to go forward in your present and future you must say goodbye to him….If this is true this means you need to tell him everything you want to tell him in a letter or looking at his picture and cry and express it all and then say goodbye to him…if this is true then you need to let him go so that you can move on…if this is true this means until you do you will be stuck in a rut…if this is true this means….

Do you see how this “If this is true this means…” technique works Ms Hill?

Finally, ask God to forgive you, conform to his righteous guidelines, forgive your dead husband for failing you, forgive yourself, and forget these sins you have commited.

When he wakes up from the dead he can tell you he forgives you, in fact I am sure that what you did is going to be the furthest from his mind because at that time the pain from our past will not come up into our hearts to cause us pain….(Revelation 21:4) . . .And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”

Let the ransom sacrifice of God’s son atone you. When God forgives us he no longer keeps it on the books in his mind.

I commited a heinous crime I want to share with you. When I was 16 and 17yrs old I aborted my 2 children and my parents never found out about the demise of their grandkids.
Like you I wanted to tell my children I was sorry but I couldn’t–they were dead…
Heavy isn’t it? Too heavy.

What helps me cope and heal is knowing that God is a God of justice and he will see that those 2 children I harmed will recieve justice. He will compensate them and restore to them what I took away. He will do it through the resurrection. There is going to be a resurrection back to life for those asleep in death….

This means that you will get to see your dead loved one again. And when you see your husband again you can tell him you were sorry and loved him. But for now just tell his picture, forgive yourself, and go forward.

As for your present unmet needs causing you unhappiness; happiness comes from giving. Focus on giving. (Acts 20:35) . . .There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving.’”

Here are some Godly assurances for you Ms.Hill:

(Psalm 103:12-14)As far off as the sunrise is from the sunset, So far off from us he has put our transgressions. As a father shows mercy to his sons, Jehovah has shown mercy to those fearing him. For he himself well knows the formation of us, Remembering that we are dust.

(Isaiah 26:19) . . .Your dead ones will live. A corpse of mine—they will rise up. Awake and cry out joyfully, YOU residents in the dust! For your dew is as the dew of mallows, and the earth itself will let even those impotent in death drop [in birth].

In closing,go forward Ms. Hill and remember that death is a temporary separation. There will be a joyful family reunion. In the meantime live, give, and love. Go forward please Ms. Hill. Life is too short to be using up precious minutes in misery, guilt, unhappiness, and pain. Be joyful.

(Proverbs 17:22) . . .A heart that is joyful does good as a curer, but a spirit that is stricken makes the bones dry.

Dear all,
I do not have a magic formula, but some things have become clearer to me little by little:
1. Blame and responsibility are not the same thing. Accepting responsibility for one’s actions is not the same as punishing oneself. Punishment is self-destructive and does not help at all prevent future mistakes because nothing is learned; responsibility is healing. Responsibility means understanding what made us make mistakes and take action to prevent similar errors in the future.
2. Mistakes and poor decisions are part of the human condition. NO ONE is above that. We all have made mistakes, and we all will.
3. Sadness and remorse are expected feelings, and I do not think we have to get rid of them in order to move on. I feel that part of me will always be sad or regret things (not) done in the past, but the key is to understand that those feelings are just one part of me, not who I am. They do not define me. Trying to stop feeling sad in order to feel better is a recipe for being stuck in sadness forever. Feel the sadness and the pain, fully and consciously. I have found that only that way am I able to put said feelings in perspective. They don’t go away, but they become smaller and less defining.
4. Overwhelming guilt often turns into violent behavior (not necessarily in the physical sense, but in the sense of treating ourselves poorly because we feel we deserve it), but hurting ourselves will not change what upsets us, it will just hurt ourselves.
5. It is important to accept that the past cannot be changed, that what we did is done, and that wishing otherwise will not fix things. We can try to make amends when it is possible (the person we hurt is alive…), but we need to accept unpleasant outcomes. Asking for forgiveness does not mean someone else will forgive us. That’s why true forgiveness can only come from oneself. If I am able to feel compassion towards myself and forgive me, then my healing is not dependent on others’ responses.
6. I feel that in order to forgive ourselves it is important to understand where our actions come from. What sort of suffering/problem drove us to behave the way we did. If, say, I cheated on my partner, it might be helpful to understand what I felt was missing in my relationship, or why I was angry and wanted to get back at him or her, or why I took him or her for granted, or simply why I acted mindlessly. Responsibility and change come from understanding.
7. Sometimes we blame ourselves for things we had not control over, in particular things done at a young age that are the direct consequence of our upbringing. I feel it is important to differentiate between things I could have done differently, and things I could have not done differently. For instance, I sometimes blame myself for not taking better care of my ailing grandmother when I was a child, but, really, was there anything I could have done at 10 for a person with a disease, Alzheimer’s, which I did not understand? The answer is no. Could I have been more compassionate towards her? I could have, in an ideal world, but in my reality, I did the best I could and knew how to, and that’s my forgiveness.

Just my two cents.

Lisa-
That is a really thoughtful summary. You ironed out all the conflicting feelings people develop over years of living in a way that makes sense and allows one to go forward without being paralyzed by grief or guilt on the one side or lack of a heart and conscience on the other.