There are a multitude of reasons we might suffer from low self-esteem or low self worth. Some of us might have grown up with challenges of anxiety, depression, dyslexia or attention deficit disorder and weren’t graded as high as their friends. Others maybe had parents who got divorced and internalized the message, “It’s my fault, I’m not worth them staying together.” Or maybe a parent left altogether leaving a sense of not worth love. It could also be that some may have suffered a trauma of physical or emotional abuse and felt they deserved it and therefore felt less than. The bottom line is that we internalize such intense self-judgment that our self worth is nowhere to be found. We are constantly re-traumatizing ourselves with this barrage making it impossible to climb out. We do not accept ourselves and self-love is a distant, if not rejected concept.
It may seem so simple to say, “Just love yourself”, but it is anything but easy. The practice of increasing our self worth is the process of learning how to come home to ourselves, becoming more aware that the self-judgments stem from somewhere and they are only interpretations, not facts. We who have low self worth are doing it to ourselves at this point. What I mean by this is that we are hating ourselves day in and day out and this energy of hate gets directed to a part of us that we dislike. That part of us is still “part of us”, therefore this toxic energy get sent inward and we are the ones who are infected by it keeping us feeling rejected, unaccepted and unworthy. It’s almost as if we have this blob of wounded energy inside of us and what we do is keep sending spears and arrows at it wounding over and over again so we always feel vulnerable.
Somehow our minds believe that if we keep judging it and avoiding it, somehow it will go away. Is that how healing works? If you have a wound and do not care for it, avoid it, and at times even rub dirt in it, does it heal? No, in fact, it may often get infected and lead to a larger problem. So it is with our emotional wounds as well.
One reason I am such a proponent for the intersection of mindfulness and psychotherapy is that at the core of mindfulness is learning how to pay attention, on purpose, in a non-judgmental way. That is also the core of learning how to accept ourselves which goes hand in hand with self worth. A voice may scream out “I DON’T WANT TO ACCEPT MYSELF, I REFUSE.” This is a voice in a lot of pain and resistance to it won’t work. What it needs is the very same thing we all need, which is an attitude of compassion. This may be a part of us who has been very wounded and so imagining this voice as a little child in pain may help initiate this feeling of compassion. We are now the adults and it is up to us to be the caretakers of our younger emotional wounds. We can, nonjudgmentally and unconditionally, give these parts of ourselves love and attention. This takes patience and persistence as we are changing some long worn habit patterns of the mind.
Changing the way we interpret these wounds from enemies to wounded little parts of ourselves needing love can create a dramatic shift in how you relate to your own pain, stop the continual onslaught on yourself worth, and help you cultivate more compassion, peace, and well-being in everyday life.
As always, please share your stories, thoughts, and questions below. Your interactions provide a living wisdom for us all to benefit from.
Related Posts
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
From Psych Central's Dr. Elisha Goldstein:
7 Ways to Mindfully Boost Self-Esteem | Mindfulness and Psychotherapy (May 1, 2009)
Thanks for that. I am not sure, but I think an answer to my request, at least in part. It gave me something to chew on.
Yes Paul,
It was your comment that brought on this blog. I’ll continue to weave in blogs that involve self, esteem ,self worth, and self acceptance. Thank you for staying engaged.
If you are thinking of doing follow on posts, I am curious what the practical nuts and bolts of being mindful of poor self esteem might look like.
I have been trying to catch and observe my negative thoughts for years and it feels as though I have only made marginal success.
An organization called AComplaintFreeWorld.org has handed out rubberband bracelets. People who want to be more mindful of how much they negatively complain are told to move the bracelet from one wrist to the other when they catch themselves unconstructively complaining. I am wondering if such a technique my help me be more aware of my negative thoughts.
thank you Marie,
I will write a follow-up with more practical suggestions. Using the bracelet might be a way to stamp into awareness that negative thoughts are coming, but it seems to me that at that point you’ve already noticed them. It may become helpful to write these thoughts down on paper and then really ask yourself, does this thought fit with the facts of the situation? If I were in a better mood, would i think about this differently. This gets to the crux of understanding that thoughts are not facts.
I’m finding these posts on mindfulness very helpful, thank you. I’m trying to alleviate depression with meditation, mindfulness and other non-pharmaceutical methods, as the drug side-effects were quite bad for me.
It’s almost counter-intuitive to accept our depression and bad feelings. They’re what I want to overcome, after all. But the metaphor of shooting arrows of badness at bad feelings is right on I think. It cannot work, even though that’s what we do all the time. Accepting the ‘badness’, at least for a little bit of time, and not beating ourselves up, is a better path because it allows those feelings to soften a bit. I’m really finding this to be true, when I can remember to do it.
I am thankful for this website and the previous posts. I have been struggling for about 2 years now with destructive thought patters, and a very critical and judgmental self image. I have been told time and time again to be positive, and just accept the thoughts and feelings. I find it very difficult, and I feel alone, and defeated. The only days in which I feel better are when I remember and am able to appy a mindfulness attitude. Any other suggestions or tools?
Hi Brooke,
Really thank yourself for engaging these challenges. There many tools to integrate into daily life. You may want to try here: http://drsgoldstein.com/meditation.aspx and see if there is anything you find. If not, click on “therapy tips” on the same site.
I just came across your blog and enjoyed reading your posts. Staying on track seems to be the most difficult.
Copyright © 1992-2009 Psych Central. All rights reserved.
Site last updated: 22 Nov 2009
|
