Thank you for connecting. You may want to look at this blog post http://blogs.psychcentral.com/mindfulness/2009/04/a-mindful-way-to-boost-self-esteem/

I’ve studied practiced the art of mindfulness as taught by Thich Nhat Hanh. To pause, breath and look deeply, gain understanding and thereby compassion and …calm. However, practice is a key word here. Tuesday night I was fatigued with trying to subdue my own energy and desire to just go out and relax. I don’t drink, but I enjoy to sit alone and feel the festivities around me on rare occassion. I am a newlywed. One of the many surprises I had in store was his addictive personality and the extremes he can partake in anything he enjoys. This includes television.

I elected to leave my usual post in the dispute between “I’ve tried to make you happy…. I just want to sit here” and “How did you possibly think you could take a woman who worked 3 jobs and ask her to sit like some sort of drone?” When I left my “post” I announced my intention to go and play a little pool, listen to some music and relax. He was invited and declined. When I returned home a few hours later he had worked himself into an extreme state of hostility and venom towards me. I was accused, I was unforgiven, I was not allowed access to our bed, I could back to his imaginary “boys” (in a town I am visiting 1000 miles from home for ONE NIGHT?), et al.

The bottom line. I took great exception to being punished, being told I would not have access to my property, and being insulted. I chose to ignore most of it and announced I WOULD be sleeping in my bed.

Sadly, the cost for me was that I was eventually arrested later that night. I’d like you to understand. I don’t drink, smoke, use illicit drugs, illegally park…I have a graduate degree, am a college educator, love my dogs, am faithful to my husband and I have ZERO experience with being in trouble with the law.

My husband and I became attached to our idea of RIGHT and lost site of what was needed in the present moment to preserve calm and the important element of “playing right”. He had the RIGHT to refuse me light and access. I had the RIGHT to have enough light to find my sleeping clothes and take off the fragile neclace he’d given me.

When I returned to turn the light on, he flew up from his prescribed slightly thick sleep and shoved me. This triggered a REACTION that had NO grounding in the present moment.

I was once severely abused on a regular basis. Severely. A shock struck me when I felt myself grabbed and I felt the my body strike the corner just behind me. Was it his intention? Unlikely. More likely he fell into me while insisting on his will. His RIGHT. He had also lost the present moment. His exwife had left for clubs and had multiple affairs and he was deeply wounded and humiliated. He is a trained and skilled man and was of some stature in his community. It was degrading for him and I’m certain he made the same vow’s that I did after I had been misused.

I lost my present moment completely and fought back. I was not a good little girl to stand stunned and frightened. I am a wildcat with a will to fight until one of us is dead. This is not my natural state. Not at all. There was a time I would have curled up and felt dead. But then “this Dana” was born. In some disciplines this is called a “hungry ghost”.

This trained man had great difficulty subduing me. My experience and training makes it vital that I take skin under my nails. I blindly swiped up and caught my husband in the face as he attempted to subdue me. He did not “strike me”, however I have educated him that if I strike a wall as a result of his action, HE STRUCK ME.

I CALLED 911. I was taken to jail “because I clearly got the better of him.” He had four distinct scratches on his face, one under his eye. He is fortunate to have that eye to be honest. It has cost me all of the funds I had saved to not say in jail. I am bruised from our altercation, and from the cuffs. He is badly bruised. He learned some valuable information about me. My physician was not kidding when he stated that I have profound PTSD.

I regret only one thing. I regret loosing control. I regret not having the present moment. I had attachments to ‘RIGHT’ just as my husband did. We could all have a discussion as to who was right but truly it was as war. In the end there was not pure right and no winner. My husband feels a shame that is very new to him. I feel a shame that is very new to me. I deeply need to find the mindful “Dana” and move forward.

I am deeply grateful to come to this forum and to stumble upon a teaching that is of exact truth.

Is any of this ok? I have run several times in my life because a man has “frightened me” when in truth I believe I am most frightened OF me. I am afraid I will loose all I have worked for. I’m afraid I will be reduced to this reactionary volitile woman that once triggered can destroy a room. For the few among you familiar with the show Hero’s… my own personal “Jessica” visited and I am now at risk of a felony, loosing what remnants remain of my career in my semi-retirment. Of loosing my love in my heart for myself… and therefor of all things.

Let us all take a breath….. look deeply… gain understanding…. before we act.

And may I at least behave in a calm manner while I feel all manner of Hades breathing down my neck!!!