Every day we walk around taking in information and interpreting what we see. Depending on how we’re feeling we’ll interpret it differently. Here’s an example I often do with my own patients to illustrate the point. Picture scenario one: You’re walking down the street feeling particularly depressed, heavy, and hopeless one day and see a friend walking by. The friend looks up at you, but just continues walking without saying hello. What’s going on? Scenario two: You’re walking down the street and feeling pretty well, you’re feeling light on your toes, warm, with a smile on your face. A friend walks down the street and looks up at you without saying hello. What’s going on? Most people I do this with usually respond to the first scenario with some self-blame or self-judgment. “What did I do”, “He hates me”, or “I’m no good”. Most people respond to the second scenario with a curiosity about what is going on with the other person. “Is he having a bad day”, “that was strange”, or “I hope he’ll be ok”.
This was an exercise to illustrate the point that even though we believe our thoughts represent reality, the truth is, our thoughts are not facts. They are temporary and fleeting and when we’re not feeling well, our minds become a magnet for negative thoughts and skewed interpretations of what is going on. When we start thinking and ruminating on these thoughts, they tend to create a snowball effect on the rest of our constitution. If we cling to exaggerated negative thoughts in our minds, (e.g., “he didn’t look at me, that’s because I’m fat, nobody likes me and nobody ever will”), this will certainly have an effect on how our bodies feel, bring on emotions of anxiety, sadness, anger, or others, make us feel like isolating and before we know it, we are either in a full blown depressed mood, a panic attack, or both.
You might say, “Well, I can’t help it, this just happens and I feel I have no control”. I would say that in that moment, you might feel that way because you are unaware of the cycle that is hijacking you. You are caught in the future worrying about the terrible things that could be, or caught in the past with memories and regrets of things you wish would have been different. There might really be feelings of sadness, anger, or shame there. Practicing mindfulness means to acknowledge the feelings that are there, not judge them as good or bad, but let them be. This may bring up healing feelings of self-compassion and calm as you realize how much you are suffering in the moment. When you notice self-judgments arise, you can label them as such, and gently bring your mind back to just being with the feelings that are there. There is a more gentle and compassionate nature to this approach than the usual cycle of self judgment and critical mind that we’ve been used to for so long. This is not to say don’t ever have judgment or think about the past or future, but to do it on your watch rather than letting your mind run off with it and deepening your suffering.
Try this out next time you notice yourself snowballing or just in a low mood. Be aware that the way you see a situation may be influenced by the mood you are in. Bring awareness in that moment to how you are feeling. Name the feelings if possible. If you are feeling an uncomfortable emotion or pain, have compassion for yourself, and do something pleasurable or kind for you that day. This will send the message internally that you care for yourself and allow for the discomfort to come and go quicker as it naturally would.
As always, please feel free to share your own stories, comments, or questions below. Your additions here provide a living wisdom for all of us to benefit from.
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I am not usually into reading blogs, but I am thoroughly enjoying yours. As a teacher and practicing psychotherapist I have been struck with how many modern psychoanalysts are also practicing Buddhists or followers of other Eastern thought. Many, like you, incorporate mindfulness in their work and I have begun to do so also with my patients and students. Thank you!
Very good information. I will start looking into my feelings and thinking about how I feel in response to the situation. Very good article.
I really enjoyed your article. I just recently started reading blogs, which I find myself enjoying. Yours, provided excellent information. It has wet my appetite to increase my knowledge in mindfulness. Which I think is one of the keys I have been looking for. Thank you!
My inability to move forward
Here is my long and sad story: 5 Years ago i realized a dream; together with my husband I bought a farm, left the city and a successful business behind to move to paradise where we lived for three years. It was the happiest time of my life, but then my husband’s grandiose ideas of developing the farm went horribly wrong. My resistance to his ideas over the years strained our relationship to a divorce. He changed tremendous. I suppose because of the strain. It was obvious that his endeavour was losing us the property. Before total bankruptcy I sold the place. Then it got worse; my favourite cousin died. I was heartbroken. I had to move, I left/divorced my husband. Of course I accepted the situation, no other choice really. I am renting a house on a farm nearby the original property. I am trying to build up my small business again with moderate success. I realize that I will be more successful if I move to the city again, but I will die out there…here I can still enjoy the veld, go for long walks with the dogs (still is the best therapy available to me). This year I will make an effort to be more social. Last year I literally went into hiding. Eventually simple sorrow got the better of me. I suppose the isolation did not help either. For a while I took refuge in wine, food and sleep which agrevated the situation. I stopped. Finally I realized that I am depressed. I found your website, subsribed to your newsletter and read the piece on mindfulness. Thank you.
This has clearly been a very challenging time for you. Your sorrow may have been a natural grieving process. Now you are present and have the awareness of coping behaviors that do and don’t support you in the process of stepping out of depression. Have compassion and empathy for your own struggle and stay connected to community. I look forward to interacting with you more.
That really was a great article. I tend to think that way, too. I snowball when one negative thought comes to mind, I think about other negative thoughts and then it spoils my mood. I like how you say accepting the feelings yet at the same time not judging yourself for feeling them but showing compassion for them instead. I like that because it does sound like it would heal the mind, lol. Thanks alot for the great advice - Crystal
Thank you for this timely information. I’m recovering from a relapse into depression. I struggle with the “judging myself” feelings that can and do limit me and this article ans well as several others I read today have me thinking I’m more positive that my thoughts can be and will be changed. I really now have a sense of what you write about feeling stuck. Thanks so much for sharing your wisdom with us.
Vicki
THank you so much, this is just what i need right now!
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