There’s no question in my mind that mindfulness can make us all better parents, both by helping us to stay tuned in to our own thoughts and feelings so they don’t unconsciously dictate our actions AND by giving us the skills and tools to truly connect with our children so we can best respond to their thoughts and emotions with kindness. I have found that my own meditation and informal mindfulness practices have made a noticeable improvement in my ability to stay calm and choose how I want to respond to my girls, rather than reacting to them out of frustration or anger. I’m definitely not perfect, but it’s getting better.

To be honest, though, I had always thought that mindfulness was going to require more effort in my parenting. I worried that all of that awareness, all of that figuring out what is going on inside my crazy mind (as well as my daughters’ minds!) was going to be an awful lot of work. I decided to do it anyway, because the way I saw it, parenting is hard work no matter how you do it, so you might as well try to get it right, right?

Turns out I was wrong. I just read two studies by Karen Bluth and Robert Wahler at The University of Tennessee looking at the relationship between mindfulness and parental effort. They asked mothers of both adolescents and pre-schoolers to fill out scales measuring how generally mindful they are and also how much effort they expend in parenting. Not surprisingly, they found that “the mothers with high mindfulness scores reported less parenting effort and lower problems with their youth than did mothers with low mindfulness scores” (2011a, p. 177).

I am currently re-reading Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn. It’s a long book, but well worth the time. I came across this quote and wanted to share it:

“In the Zen tradition of meditation, people are fond of saying that the practice is nothing special. The practice is nothing special in the same way that being a mother or giving birth is nothing special, that being a father is nothing special, that being a farmer and bringing things forth from the land is nothing special, even that being alive is nothing special. That is all true in a way, but try telling that to a mother or a father or a farmer. ‘Nothing special’ also means ‘very special’. The utterly ordinary is utterly extraordinary. It all depends on how you see things, and whether you are willing to look deeply, and live by what you see and feel and know.”

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“Wow. I’m never going to get this right.”

Those words passed through my mind last night as I sat on the floor trying to focus on my breathing. I was in a conference room with nine other people, nine other parents who had also signed up to take a mindful parenting class at the Center for Mindfulness at the University of Massachusetts, Worcester.

As I heard my classmates talk about their struggles with raising their children—most of whom are much older than my own—it hit me. Hard. Parenting doesn’t get easier, and I’m never going to get it right.

Those seven words reveal a tremendous amount about how I have come to understand my role as a parent, for better and for worse (but in this case, mostly worse). On the harder days, the days when the girls and I seem to be taking turns throwing tantrums, when I am exhausted and can’t seem to get anything right and they can’t seem to do anything right, I beat myself up. I’m a bad parent. I’m too harsh on them. I should be nicer to them. Everyone else is a better mother than I am.

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3 Things for Mom is one of my new favorite Mommy blogs. (Sorry, Dads, but this one does seem geared towards the maternal crew.) Each post features a truth, a tip, and a find by different writers, and many of them are truly inspirational. In honor of this great new blog, I thought I’d offer a Mindful Parenting version with a truth, a tip, and a find, about kindness and parenting.

Truth

“The way we talk to ourselves influences the way we parent. So often we don’t understand what our child is expressing because we’re caught up in our own thoughts or feelings . . . We see how we generate much of our own suffering through what we tell ourselves or through our desire to have things be different from how they are now . . . May we pay attention with kindness to what is happening within us and within our children.”- Denise Roy, MOMfulness: Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace

Meghan Nathanson writes a beautiful blog about Mindful Mothering, and her writing about the challenges of parenting and the power of mindfulness inspires me on a regular basis. One of her recent posts, “10 Ways to be Mindful with Your Children Again” really resonated with me. I could see myself in every single one of her signs that you might not be present with your children, and I loved her suggestions for returning to mindfulness. Here is one of my favorites:

“Commit to responding to your children instead of reacting. Live in the pause between your children’s actions (“good” or “bad”) and what you say or do afterward. Allow this space to inform your response.There is great wisdom to be found in waiting.”

What are the red flags that let you know you’re not staying present with your children? What brings you back?

For more mindful parenting, follow us both on Facebook: Carla Naumburg and Meghan Nathanson.

“You should sit in meditation for 20 minutes a day, unless you’re too busy. In that case, you should sit for an hour.” –Zen Proverb

I’ve spent the past week taking care of two sick children. Since Monday night, we’ve had one trip to the ER, two trips to the pediatrician, several nights of coughing, and multiple sick days cooped up at home. Needless to say, I have been exhausted, and I let my self-care lapse. I haven’t meditated in over a week. The frigid weather and sick kids at home made exercise a challenge—one that I didn’t take seriously enough. My fatigue and mindlessness led to poor dietary choices (that’s code for way too much chocolate and sugar). I didn’t notice how everything was affecting me until tonight, when it all fell apart.

My week has been derailed by a sick kiddo. Instead of stressing about it (which I’m really good at!), I’m trying to enjoy a week of Plan B, inspired by the words of Denise Roy:

“My trouble is that I think there is a track things should stay on. I’m hooked to a belief that life should go a certain way. I develop an attachment to Plan A and set up my expectations accordingly. An important part of spiritual practice is to learn to let go, to recognize that Plan A exists only in my head. When I find myself irritated by change in my schedule or resisting whatever is happening around me, I tell myself, ‘We’re now in Plan B.’ In fact, it’s become a daily mantra: Life as Plan B. It makes it much easier for me to relax and surrender to the moment.” Denise Roy, MOMfulness: Mothering with Mindfulness, Compassion, and Grace

I find that parenting is a lot easier when I am able to accept Plan B–like today, when I was going to get a lot of work done, and instead I’m home reading fairy stories to a sick four year old. When I stop to think about it, it’s actually not so bad.

How do you embrace Plan B?

I recently read this quote by Plato: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle”. Parenting isn’t easy, and as any child will tell you, being a kid isn’t either. Sometimes it just feels hard to be kind, but I believe mindfulness can help.

Mindfulness is about being aware of the present moment, without judgment. It’s about knowing how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, and what’s going on, without criticizing yourself or wishing things were different. But there’s more to it. The context for mindfulness and the natural outcome of it is kindness. In his book, the Mindfulness Solution, Ronald Siegel used the example of a sniper who is highly focused, aware, and in the present moment. That ability may make him an incredibly successful sniper, but it’s not the kind of mindfulness I want to cultivate. I want to cultivate kindness.

We are one week into the new year, which means that many of us may have already let go of some of the resolutions we set just seven days ago. While the idea of starting a new year fresh is incredibly compelling, the reality is that every day, even every moment is an opportunity to choose something different, something new. In fact, that may be one of the greatest gifts my meditation practice has given me: the realization that I can come back to the present, accept it without judgment, re-focus my intention and attention, and begin again.

I wrote about my most important new year’s resolution–single-tasking–on January 1. I have done fairly well with it thus far, although meals continue to be a challenge. Rather than beating myself up for mindlessly scarfing down my sandwich (which I am prone to do–both the negative self-talk and the distracted eating), I am working to remind myself that each meal, each bite, is another opportunity to be in the moment, enjoy my food, and be grateful for the nourishment.

I’m so pleased to share that my GPS Guide for Mindful Parenting is up on the Huffington Post. If you’re not familiar with the GPS Guides, they are tools, images, songs, and quotes that can help inspire and relax you. In addition to the GPS Guides on the HuffPost website, they’ve just launched a new iPhone app that you might want to check out: GPS for the Soul. (And yes, I am well aware that I have a complicated relationship with my iPhone.)

I think my favorite quote might be these words from Rumi:

“And still, after all this time, the Sun has never said to the Earth,
‘You owe me.’
Look what happens with love like that.
It lights up the sky.”

Anyway, please check out my Mindful Parenting Guide and please share your tips and quotes and whatever gets you through the rough patches of parenting. We can all use the inspiration!