Classic perfectionism is like an infinite tunnel:  you drive in and you never get out.  For a finite mortal like you and I, chasing the Unattainable is akin to trying to beat the speed of light.  It can’t be done.  Thus, the no-way-out-doom-and-gloom of the perfectionistic mind.  Perfectionism is an autobahn into Nowhere without any exit ramps.  That is, unless we redefine Perfection and Perfectionism.

Shifting the Paradigm of Perfectionism

As I see it, perfectionism is a crisis of misunderstanding of the concept of perfection.  As a culture we believe that perfection is unattainable.  If seen as such, the word “perfection” becomes a nonsense word, a word that refers to something imaginary and nothing real, nothing attainable.

I posit just the opposite: the word “perfection” isn’t a nonsense word, it does refer to something real.  Indeed, as I see it, the word “perfection” is synonymous with the word “reality.”  As such, perfection is not only attainable, it is inevitable.

Important to understand:

to accept is not to give up or surrender;

to accept is to relax (into the here-and-now reality of what is).

Related: Acceptance Isn’t Surrender (in Present Perfect)

People say: “Perfection is unattainable.”  And yet they chase it.  What a psychologically toxic set-up!  What a self-fulfilling destiny of dissatisfaction!  Chasing theoretical perfection is like hunting unicorns.  Good luck.

Dare to consider: reality is (already) perfect and perfectible.  This “and” is the hardest “and” to swallow for a dualistic mind.  Reality is already the best that it can be at any given point in time and it can still be better.

Notice the ordinary (real-time) perfection of what (already) is.  There is no other reality than the here-and-now reality that right now is: everything that right now can be already is.  The rest is fantasy.  So, take a break from hunting non-existent unicorns and notice the cornucopia of the present moment.

Psychologically speaking, koans are a unique way to inoculate a human mind to the anxiety of uncertainty.  When we encounter uncertainty, we are stumped.  Uncertainty frustrates us with its enigmatic nonsense.  Koans, in their unanswerable quality, effectively simulate such moments of uncertainty.  Author Hee-Jin Kim explains: the koans are “realized, not solved” (1975, 101).

Admittedly, this explanation is a bit of a puzzle itself.  But here’s how I make sense of it.  A koan, once again, is an unanswerable puzzle.  If we take it on, we begin banging our head against the wall of the unknown.  At some point, we realize that there is no solution, and we settle into a don’t-know mind.  This realization, of course, comes up pretty early in the koan work.  And it serves as the true beginning, not the end of the process.

Knowing in advance that you are working with an unanswerable question, you accept your limitations. No longer trying to know the unknowable, you calmly remain with the question in a state of not knowing.  Knowingly, you keep chasing the tail of not knowing in a process that, I believe, very much parallels the day-to-day mystery of life.  Thus, the potential therapeutic value of koan work as a kind of one-question-therapy that can help soothe the perfectionistic thirst for answers.

Here are a few of the koans [from the Present Perfect book] that I developed to challenge perfectionistic thinking for my clients and my readers:

Imagination is always at least one step ahead of reality.  When we appraise the world, ourselves, or others, we compare what is (the real) with what theoretically could be (the imagined).

Say you got a B on a test.  You look at this grade and you think that you could have done better, that you could have gotten an A.  But that’s theory.  The reality is that you got a B, not an A, and this B represented your practical (not theoretical) best.

With this in mind, let me ask you this: what do you mean by perfection—the theoretical best or the practical best?  When you think about perfection, are you thinking about the imaginary perfection of what could be or about the perfection of what actually is?  Of course, this is something of a rhetorical question.  I know the answer: as a perfectionist, you define perfection as a theoretical best.  That’s exactly why you are never satisfied with reality as it is.

I love junk email: its desperation, its naiveté, its brazenness.  I can relate to the humanity (psychology) behind it.  Can you?

For example (from this morning): “LOAN OFFER!  READ THE ATTACHED FILE AND CONTACT MR. CLARK.”

Yes, it was all in caps.  And no, I didn’t contact Mr. Clark…

You just know there’s suffering and ambition behind this.

Suffering + Ambition = Humanity

Acceptance is the difference between neurosis and nirvana.  A single u-turn covers the entire journey from neurosis to nirvana.  What u-turn?  A choice to accept what is, one moment at a time.

Resources: Present Perfect/Lotus Effect

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There are two ways to look at yourself and reality: a) dualistically—as either perfect or imperfect, or b) nondualistically—as neither perfect nor imperfect.  You have a choice of psychological software:  seeing the world as a discrepancy between “what is” and “what should be,” or seeing the world as it actually is.

The following ten points are a kind of new operating platform to serve as an antidote to the dichotomous/dualistic/all-or-nothing cognitive style that ruins our lives.

1.  A state that is so flawless, so immaculate, so error free, so complete that nothing can be added to it to make it better is a state beyond improvement.  That is theoretical perfection.

Chained to Approval

Let’s say that after months of unemployment I finally landed a nice job. You are my new boss, and you just bought a new car.  You ask me: “What do you think?  Like it?”  Not wanting to get on your bad side, I say yes.  You like my response.  You decide to mentor me.  I tolerate that.

Over time, however, I lose myself.   I get conditioned or programmed to look at the world as you do, to value what you value.  I become dependent on the subjectivity of your approval.  What started out as adaptive approval-seeking led to a partial loss of self.  In seeking your approval, I got carried away by the currents of your subjectivity.

Lesson learned: to seek approval is to seek dependence; to seek dependence is to lose your sense of self. 

No One Makes Mistakes On Purpose (Sabotage Notwithstanding)

The phrase “to make a mistake” implies purposive, conscious, planned action.  That’s utterly inaccurate: there are no intentional mistakes, no one consciously sets out to fail.

When we fail on purpose, when we make a mistake by design, we are actually succeeding with some kind of covert plan.  Therefore, even an act of conscious sabotage isn’t a mistake (to you) even if takes the form of a mistake (to others).

Bottom-line: No one makes mistakes because no one ever makes a mistake on purpose (sabotage notwithstanding).