Being a nonprofit director is not easy.

But then again, neither is being a boss. Or a parent (or a parront, for that matter). Or a child. A sibling. A partner. A spouse. A best friend. A colleague. A man. A woman. A child. A human being.

You get the point.

Life itself is also not easy. Just in case I missed this lesson, my own life has been providing me with handy daily reminders for well over two months now.

Thankfully, a few months ago when all the growing pains were just beginning to unfold, a treasured friend and colleague recommended a book series to me. One of the books was called, “Integrity: the courage to meet the demands of reality” by Dr. Henry Cloud.

I had never really thought of ‘integrity’ as something that intersects with reality. I thought it was something you just have – or you don’t have. Curious to see what this Dr. Cloud had to say on the subject, I dug in and started reading.

I discovered straightaway that what I had assumed was integrity is really character. Character is the heart – the soul of a person – that prompts them to default to black or white, right or wrong, good or bad, etc.

So let’s say you have a basic character that defaults to white/right/good. But you still feel wobbly in some (or many) areas. Maybe in business you are a straight arrow but in your personal relationships you let things slide with your partner that you’d never put up with as a boss. Or maybe it is the reverse. Or it is some other type of inconsistency in character that is troubling you.

Whatever the issue, as long as you have a basic character that wants to grow and improve, the next step is simple if not easy – you have to learn. In this case, studying and practicing “integrity” is like going to school to develop your innate character. So integrity can be learned.

Yahoo!!

One of my favorite quotes from “Integrity” is: “You will not grow without attempting things you are unable to do.” (Since this pretty much defines my entire life, I was thrilled to realize how much growth potential my life yet holds.)

Another memorable quote from “Integrity” is: “No problems, no profit.” And by “profit” Dr. Cloud means good things in general, not financial profit in particular. So personal growth, improved relationships, a fun new career, and so many more things could be a “profit” that comes from being willing to face and solve the problems your life presents.

As a part of this discussion, Dr. Cloud also shares a passage from another fabulous book, Scott Peck’s “The Road Less Traveled,”: “Life is difficult. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters.”

I can share that I am not there yet – in terms of not minding that life is difficult. I still get sort of (a lot) whiney when life doesn’t go my way, and I still get somewhat (quite) daunted when problems arise – even if I saw them coming a mile away and even if I know how to handle them. But at least now I am no longer sitting around worrying and thinking, “How come my life has so many difficulties?” The answer is: “Because life is difficult.” (substitute “problems” for “difficulties” and you may feel a similar reassurance).

In reading “Integrity” I have also learned that everyone’s life has problems, not just mine, and that many people are daunted by the same types of problems that scare me. I have learned that living life with integrity is the same thing as “living life on life’s terms” from the 12 Step programs – accepting reality and THEN working to create an outcome that provides the highest good to the most people. That first step – ACCEPTANCE – is key. The people who don’t accept the reality of their life or a particular relationship or situation are the ones who may sign up for the class but don’t plan to study for any of the tests.

So basically it is better for them not to go to the school at all.

For the rest of us, the problems are like assignments. When a problem arises it is like the teacher coming and saying, “Shannon, I have a special assignment just for you. You are going to love it.”

At least that is what I imagine my personally-assigned teacher would say. They might also promise that if I complete the assignment and earn an “A” I will get dinner with STING or a year’s supply of free waffles for my bird, Pearl….I mean, that is what I would do if I were trying to motivate me to enroll in Integrity School.

Today’s Takeaway: Of course there are all kinds of perspectives to take on developing integrity, identifying character, dealing with reality, and more. How do you relate to ‘reality’, ‘character’, ‘integrity’ and the intersection of the three in your own life? What works best as a motivator to help you access the inner courage and resources to meet problems and solve them and continue to grow?

Woman reading book image available from Shutterstock.

Really? I think. Nope. I’m pretty certain I’ve been waiting for someone else.

But the truth is, I’ve not so much been waiting FOR someone else, but I’ve been waiting to BECOME someone else – someone I like better, someone who matters more, someone with more influence or confidence, someone prettier, smarter, happier, smoother in the art of life and the living of it.

I’m 42 now, so I’ve been waiting for a while.

I mentioned in my last post that I planned to devote that post and this one to my latest read, “Solemate” by Lauren Mackler.

What I want to talk about in this post is an exercise Ms. Mackler proposes that I am fascinated by but am having trouble actually doing. This is because I find it daunting. It is one of those tasks that will force me to look very honestly at areas where a) I am too scared, b) I am too lazy, c) I have beliefs like “that is impossible for me”, etc….and then work on each of those things.

Yuck.

But still – I can’t stop thinking about this exercise. In the exercise, the book suggests that you write down all of the qualities you seek in your “ideal partner.” Ms. Mackler gives a guided visualization to help readers do this, but basically just think of where the other person lives, what their house looks like, what they do, how much money they make, how they treat themselves, how they treat you, how they treat others, etc etc – and then write it all down.

After you do that, the next step is to highlight all the areas where what you do or how you treat yourself is different than what is on your list.

You see? Now you understand why I find it so intimidating. The goal is not to find someone ELSE to fill in those gaps in your life….but to fill them in yourself.

This sound fantastic to me. I really want to do this.

Or I will really want to do this, as soon as I finish looking for someone else to do it for me.

Today’s Takeaway: Do you find the idea of becoming your own ideal partner disheartening, empowering, or some of each? Have you ever done an exercise like this? I do plan to do it….eventually….and I promise to post my results here!

Woman in a trench coat image available from Shutterstock.

My typical pattern with my book stack is that I read part of one….until I get overwhelmed, or bored, or distracted, or the lure of another book becomes too powerful to ignore….so then I jump to another one.

Or maybe I finish one whole one, just for the sense of accomplishment it gives me….and then as quickly launch into the next.

The truth is, mostly I just take bits and pieces from any one book, because there are only bits and pieces that may apply to where I am at in life at any given time. Some books that I really love I buy, just so I can read and remember the relevant bits now and then revisit them later for the stuff I missed.

Such is the case with my current read. Recommended by a Facebook friend, with a front cover in soothing blue and the single-word title, “Solemate,” this book promises to teach me how to “master the art of aloneness and transform your life.”

I am all for both of these things – especially if I can learn it all in under 300 pages.

So I started reading. Parts I already knew. Parts I didn’t know and didn’t particularly want to know. But two parts stood out – so much so that I am going to devote the next two blog posts to them.

Here, let me introduce part number one: “Creating, Promoting and Allowing.”

These three words define how I take action in my life – whether I know that I do or not. They relegate victim-mentality to nowhere I can find on a map. They restore my power to me – whether I know it or want that power (and the responsibility that comes with it) or not.

“Solemate”‘s author, Lauren Mackler, says that by understanding how we create the experiences we have, we stop living by default and start living deliberately. She uses one of my foundational guiding life principles – the law of cause and effect – to explain how experiences happen to us when we create them, promote them, or allow them to happen to us.

Creating is when we take direct, traceable action to make something unfold in our lives. We yell at our partner (or spontaneously offer a hug). We withdraw money from our 401(k) (or deposit it). We say “I love you” (or its opposite). In each of these actions there are reactions – consequences – effects.

Promoting is when we may not take direct action ourselves, but in our words or actions we may encourage a chain of events to unfold. Gossip is a great example of promoting.

Allowing is when we do nothing to stop a chain of events that is about to unfold, or is already unfolding. Entire reality television show series have been based on this concept – such as when people are set up to watch someone getting cheated and cameras record how they respond …. or don’t.

Understanding creating, promoting and allowing has already given me powerful tools to make changes in areas where previously I would just end up feeling sorry for myself or giving up way too soon. I am so excited about them for many reasons, but mostly because they give me back my ability to change what I don’t like in my own life – and create more of what I do like too.

Today’s Takeaway: What do you think about this triumvirate – creating, promoting and allowing? Do you see these concepts at work in your own life too?

Positive woman image available from Shutterstock.

While I am as delighted by this news as any good daughter would be, I have to admit that luck and I have our differences.

Specifically, I disagree with luck that it exists.

The other day I happened to mention this to a friend. He asked me, “So what does luck mean to you?” 45 minutes later….here is what I was able to come up with.

“Luck” is the stuff that happens to me that I define as “good” but which I can’t control (ie. I am born into a middle class family with a steady income and a healthcare plan; I have a naturally strong immune system; I am an American citizen….you get the picture.)

The rest – the things most people call “lucky” – are the things I put under the category of “hard work and determination.”

For instance, let’s say you are a working musician who wants to audition for my reigning fav reality show, “The Voice.” You have a pretty good following. You know you can move an audience. You’re pretty (or handsome) with stage presence and dance moves. But until someone at such-and-so record label hears your unmatchable style, you’re stuck touring from city to city in nowhere USA, playing to folks who a) prefer a jukebox or b) think you sound better when they sing along.

So….you need exposure. You send in a video to “The Voice.” They pick your video. You go on the show. You audition. One (or all four) judges turn around and fight to get you on their team.

Luck? Or hard work? Or both?

I’d say the ‘luck’ part is the being born talented (and perhaps attractive by the way our current attractiveness standards run) – if you happen to want to pursue music and you happen to like the current attractiveness standards and want to look like that.

But the rest – to me, that is a clearly vote for hard work and determination. You had to make the video. Show up when they called you. Walk on that stage and do a good job. So that when you are picked, it is not luck at all that called your name, but your own endless drive and determination (as well as your willingness to believe in yourself) that got you there.

But I could be wrong.

My problem with “luck” is that it makes me feel powerless. If some people are “lucky” and others are “unlucky,” which one am I? Can I change it? What if what I think is “luck” is someone else’s worst nightmare? Is there one defining standard for what constitutes luck, or is it open for interpretation (in which case is it really luck – or just personal opinion?)

See what I mean?

Recently my dad went for a medical checkup. He is 75. His doctor told him he should live a very long time and that he is one of the “lucky ones.” My dad was ecstatic.

And I went back to the luck drawing board. Again.

Today’s Takeaway: What is your take on luck? Do you believe in luck? How do you define the word “luck”? I would love to hear your insights!

Happy man image available from Shutterstock.

The only trouble was, I didn’t want to go that way at all, and certainly not at the pace my life was setting.

Right around that time, a dear friend texted me a book recommendation. The book? “Necessary Endings.”

While the subtitle initially seemed to suggest the author had a business audience in mind, the first few pages set my mind at ease. Businesses, after all, are composed mainly of people (along with the usual assortment of electronics)….and people tend to run into the same sorts of challenges, conflicts and even endings at home as they do at work.

I found “Necessary Endings” illuminating for both the challenges I was facing in that moment, and also for other challenges I had placed on the back burner (ie had been trying to ignore).

I am now eagerly and at great speed plowing through two of Dr. Cloud’s other books, “Integrity” and “Boundaries.”

Stay tuned….

Today’s Takeaway: What does the phrase “necessary endings” bring up for you? Are you perhaps facing an ending that you have delayed too long – or one you refuse to admit needs to occur? Are you comfortable in navigating endings or would you benefit from additional skills? If so, perhaps “Necessary Endings” might be able to serve as a useful resource for you as well!

You Are Your Own Reward

The first time this phrase came to my mind I can still remember thinking, “Oh good god.”

I mean – seriously? Do ‘real’ people (aka people like me) actually say things like this?

As it turns out, they do. They even say things like this and mean them.

Not so long ago I went through a period where life really, really, REALLY started to feel like a thankless job.

Everywhere I turned there were endings. Conflict. Misunderstandings. Heartache.

I wanted off. Out. I wanted to find the person who had signed me up for this – this thing – this life – without my permission and, well, do whatever came naturally.

I caught myself looking around for ‘comforts’ – trying to ease my own pain, limit my own stress, locate and annex tiny moments of joy so my own days no longer felt so endless, or bleak.

It took me awhile to realize that the reward I was seeking was the one I already had.

Me.

There I was, going through it, getting through it, waking up each day and going head to head with the unknown yet again, absolutely refusing to see any other outcome other than a positive one (even and especially if I couldn’t fathom what that could possibly be yet).

It wasn’t a fun period of time. I’m glad it’s over. And I don’t want it to come back.

But out of it I got that treasure of treasures – the active, undeniable, day to day experience of me showing up for me, as me, in my own life.

In the same way, it may be so easy for you to miss the sight of yourself, making yourself proud, showing up for yourself again and again even when you would rather do anything but.

It is very easy for you to miss seeing this. But I see it so clearly.

My wish for you this month is that you will at last realize that YOU – as you – for you – being you – is your own reward!

Today’s Takeaway: When life gets challenging, how do you show up for it? Do you remember to give yourself encouragement and kudos for seeing difficult situations and times through? Do you allow yourself to feel proud of yourself for conquering your fear, saying the thing that is so tough to say, even facilitating endings if that is what is needed? How do you reward yourself for a challenge well-solved? Where does your reward come from and what does it feel like?

Lately, it has happened a bit more often than usual …. that life has felt heavy, overwhelming, confusing …. full of more questions than answers, more insecurities than confidences, more drama than accord.

In these moments I have found myself searching – HARD – for joy, yet finding only trace elements where a robust surplus formerly lay. I have felt the weight of onrushing unanticipated endings without the corresponding lift of encouraging new beginnings.

The other day I even caught myself thinking, “Man, life sure seems like a thankless job sometimes.”

And sometimes it does. Sometimes it feels like there should be somebody we can complain to – some higher up whose job it is to fix those darned potholes we keep hitting.

But there isn’t. There is only us. For those of us who have faith, perhaps there is God (or whatever our personal preferred terminology may be). But then faith complicates matters, because of the fact that sometimes we are tested, sometimes good-seeming things are really not that great and bad-seeming things are the best thing for us in the long run.

So still, faith or no faith, there we are, complaining to ourselves …. consoling ourselves ….. working out in our own minds and hearts how to make what feels not-too-great feel at least tolerably better.

Interestingly – unexpectedly too – what I have learned through this most recent “thankless job” period is that I can actually do this.

I can find reasons to motivate myself to get up when I would prefer (and it also seems perhaps wiser) to stay in bed. I can find ways to calm myself down – and stay calm – when every rageful or sad molecule in my body is longing to act out.

I can even find tiny sweet things – things that aren’t perhaps the red carpet and fireworks display the hard times seem to merit, but are still enough to go on – to sustain me moment by single moment.

When I was in the worst years of my eating disorder, I thought there was no way life could get any worse for me. Today sometimes I say to people, “this has been the hardest day/week/month/year of my life” – but if I am being truthful, I don’t really mean it. Because nothing I go through today – no matter how difficult, painful, unfair-seeming or simply unwelcome – will ever be as bad as waking up day after day inside a body and mind I thoroughly distrusted.

Today, while I don’t always like what life presents or the path it takes, I at least trust the person I share its burdens and blessings with – me.

Today’s Takeaway: How do you get through it during the times when the day-to-day business of living your own life seems like a thankless job? Does trust in yourself help ease the challenge? I would love to hear your thoughts!

Man struggling image available from Shutterstock.

Did I mention I love movies?

But I am often not too good about seeing them when they first come out. Truthfully, often I am the one “discovering” last year’s Oscar winners while in line at the Redbox (or online at Netflix).

Speaking of which – recently I saw a movie called “Looper.” Judging from how confusing I found the plot initially, either my IQ is on a steady decline or perhaps it wasn’t in last year’s Oscar running. But as the film progressed, it got better. And by the end it got very good – and very simple – indeed.

I don’t want to spoil the storyline for those of you who haven’t seen it yet. But if I were pitching the plot to a big money bags producer and I had to sum it up in one line, it would be: “The bad things people do are to try to protect the good things in their lives.”

From this perspective, I found the film so interesting and also strangely reassuring. I say this because, when taken out of context, many people’s choices and actions can seem so evil, so bad, so grave. But then as the greater story emerges, so often there is some underlying motive stemming from love, loyalty, connection.

This seems like a very important point to make, especially in the world we live in today when so much of what we read about, see on the news and hear from others just makes no sense at all. Why do people do the things they do? Who are these others – these awful people out maiming, killing, stealing, lying, cheating, deceiving, taking from others what never has and never will belong to them?

I don’t know. But I do know that there is more to each of those stories than the individual awful actions I might hear about – isolated and separated as they are from the thread of those people’s greater lives.

I also know that at times I too have done bad to do good – setting out with a very good intention and ending up with a very bad outcome. Perhaps every person has had this experience at one time or another.

My mentor often reminds me that life can change at any moment and we never know what may happen. We can’t always control what life hands us. But we can always control the way we respond, which stems from how we choose to see it.

Today’s Takeaway: Have you ever “done bad to do good?” How do you cope with the nonstop flood of ‘bad news’ coming at you every day – from the television, the radio, the papers, others you know? What helps you to you keep your heart soft and open towards others (and yourself!) in the face of so much suffering and pain?

Retelling this story is both painful and vindicating. It is painful because each time I tell it, I revisit the shock and shame I felt when she spoke those words. It is vindicating because in the retelling, I realize I am stronger now and have more coping tools to withstand such an incident were it to occur today.

But one thing I have only more recently realized is that I wasn’t the only one who was in pain that day. The truth is, happy, healthy people don’t hurt other people. Why would they? Who would want to mess up feeling happy and healthy?

But hurting people – well, that’s a different story. Hurting people hurt other people all the time. Sometimes the hurt is so deep and vast and overwhelming that it even just spills out and they can’t control it no matter how much they want to or wish that they could.

Who knows what Leslie was going through when she “divorced” herself from our longstanding best friendship that day. One thing I do know, however, is that it must have been pretty painful. She must have felt pretty scared. She must have felt she needed that popularity so much – like she needed oxygen.

It is so difficult when people hurt us – or at least I find it very difficult. Some people, because of their work or their personality or for various reasons, just seem to have thicker skins for these sorts of life experiences. But despite the fact that I work with a group of folks who are often encountering their own mortality on a daily basis (and in their fear might at times do or say just about anything to get basic survival needs met) I have never developed that thicker skin.

In other words, when people hurt me, intentionally or not, consciously or not, it still hurts me. A lot.

So what I do is to first notice that I’ve been hurt. If I don’t notice my own hurt I will be quite tempted to just indiscriminately blame the person who hurt me – easily forgetting that they are already hurting enough as it is.

Then I try to feel my own hurt. I also often try to talk about it with someone who loves me unconditionally so I can hear a friendly voice as soon as possible after the hurtful incident has occurred.

Next I try to stand in their shoes and imagine that, were I to suddenly become them, what might have prompted me to hurt me? Sometimes this helps me discern what might be going on. Other times it doesn’t. But it does always help me to remember that we have two hurting people in the picture and not just one.

Finally, if possible and useful, I try to connect with the other person about it. Sometimes it is not possible – at those very same college programs I am often asked where Leslie is now and what she is doing. I don’t know. I lost touch with her after middle school. As well, sometimes it is not useful – like when I am afraid of that person, if they are still very mad or upset at me, or if I think they might do me a harm.

But this process – processes in general – help me a lot when I am feeling hurt, stressed, stretched or otherwise compromised in my own sense of security and self. And doing something constructive and productive – anything at all – always works better than doing nothing at all to attempt to ease the pain for all concerned.

Today’s Takeaway: What do you do when someone hurts you? How do you think through it and respond? Do you react – never, always, sometimes? What works best for you to heal – and heal the relationship as well wherever possible?

Hurtful girls image available from Shutterstock.

“Mom in the Mirror” was released this month by Rowan & Littlefield Publishers. When Dena first mentioned the concept to me a few years ago, right away I was anxious for her to begin work. This is because we have so many members within MentorCONNECT, the eating disorders mentoring nonprofit I founded in 2009, who are moms. So while I am not a mother myself (although I am the proud parront to a most beautiful and intelligent bird named Pearl) I am regularly privy to some of the struggles and strains that cross the minds and hearts of mothers who want to make sure their own eating disordered ways are not passed along to their kids.

While not everyone on MentorCONNECT will necessarily relate to some of the faith-based passages in “Mom in the Mirror” (both co-authors are dedicated Christians and so their faith necessarily infuses their personal journeys and the work they do to support others as well) I personally felt that the book is written in such a way that readers who are not Christians can still find tremendous value in the majority of the material.

In this way, “Mom in the Mirror” really does offer readers the best of all worlds – inspiring personal stories of recovery from the authors and others interwoven with the latest eating disorder research by noted experts in the field and practical tools and tips throughout to help readers strengthen in recovery.

This is a book I will be recommending to moms, regardless of their faith background, and purely for its ability to let each struggling mother know that what they are going through is shared by others, is not odd or unusual and is certainly something they can find the strength to overcome!

To watch the short video book trailer on You Tube click HERE

To learn more and order “Mom in the Mirror” click HERE

Today’s Takeaway: What are some of your favorite inspiring books that have helped you to achieve your goals, overcome challenges and find new strength and inspiration for the future? What about those particular books has made them your favorites?