I hope I am not the only one who sometimes goes to bed at night or wakes up in the morning and thinks to herself, “Remind me why I am showing up for this (life) again?”
Lately, it has happened a bit more often than usual …. that life has felt heavy, overwhelming, confusing …. full of more questions than answers, more insecurities than confidences, more drama than accord.
In these moments I have found myself searching – HARD – for joy, yet finding only trace elements where a robust surplus formerly lay. I have felt the weight of onrushing unanticipated endings without the corresponding lift of encouraging new beginnings.
The other day I even caught myself thinking, “Man, life sure seems like a thankless job sometimes.”
And sometimes it does. Sometimes it feels like there should be somebody we can complain to – some higher up whose job it is to fix those darned potholes we keep hitting.
But there isn’t. There is only us. For those of us who have faith, perhaps there is God (or whatever our personal preferred terminology may be). But then faith complicates matters, because of the fact that sometimes we are tested, sometimes good-seeming things are really not that great and bad-seeming things are the best thing for us in the long run.
So still, faith or no faith, there we are, complaining to ourselves …. consoling ourselves ….. working out in our own minds and hearts how to make what feels not-too-great feel at least tolerably better.
Interestingly – unexpectedly too – what I have learned through this most recent “thankless job” period is that I can actually do this.
I can find reasons to motivate myself to get up when I would prefer (and it also seems perhaps wiser) to stay in bed. I can find ways to calm myself down – and stay calm – when every rageful or sad molecule in my body is longing to act out.
I can even find tiny sweet things – things that aren’t perhaps the red carpet and fireworks display the hard times seem to merit, but are still …