I like to bring books to my hair appointments. This serves two purposes. It relieves my friend and stylist Carol from having to entertain me for three solid hours, and it also allows me to actually get some reading done.

I particularly like to bring books I have a hard time comprehending, since I can read a few lines, relocate from the styling chair to the dryer, read a few more lines, relocate again from the dryer to the rinse station, etc….this way some of the material has a prayer of actually sinking in.

As Carol (and any frequent reader of this blog) knows, don Miguel Ruiz books are a favorite for my hair appointments. In fact, his latest book (latest for me, not for him) is the best yet in my opinion. To me, “The Mastery of Love” is so simple it is almost complicated. As usual.

At this month’s hair appointment, I was reading more in the chapter called “The Magic Kitchen.” In this chapter, Ruiz writes,

What makes you happy is love coming out of you. And if you are generous with your love, everyone is going to love you. You are never going to be alone if you are generous.

Of course as I’m reading, I thinking, “No way did he just say what I think he just said.”

So I read it again. And again. And again. All of these years I have been so worried about if I am “doing things” right. Am I wearing the right clothes? Do I say the right things? Do I talk about myself too much? How are my listening skills? Do I seem too needy? Too aloof? Will I be lonely later in life? Will anyone notice when I die? Will anyone care?…..and there’s plenty more where those worries came from.

But all that time, all I needed to do was offer my love.

So simple. So very, unbelievably simple. All those fears about being lonely, being forgotten, being unwelcome – solved by a simple switch of perspective from focusing on what I need to …

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I’ve been really enjoying reading my new don Miguel Ruiz book “The Mastery of Love”….so much so that (way contrary to my typical style) instead of speed-reading I’ve been reading extra-slow to be sure I don’t miss anything.

In the book, Ruiz states that love has several attributes. In the presence of these attributes we can know we are also in the presence of love. In their absence, well….basically, we’re not likely to find love in those places.

The attributes are as follows:

• Love has no obligations.
• Love has no expectations.
• Love is based on respect.
• Love is ruthless (as in compassionate not pitying).
• Love is completely responsible.
• Love is always kind.
• Love is just (if you make a mistake you only pay for it once).
• Love is unconditional.
• Love gives more than it takes (without ever allowing itself to be taken advantage of).

It feels a bit anticlimactic writing it all down now, but as I was reading about each attribute I could feel something not unlike a noose untying itself from around my own neck.

In particular, I love this quote, “To master a relationship is all about you. The first step is to become aware, to know that everyone dreams his own dream. Once you know this, you can be responsible for your half of the relationship, which is you. If you know that you are only responsible for half the relationship, you can easily control your half. It is not up to us to control the other half. If we respect, we know that our partner, or friend, or son, or mother, is completely responsible for his or her own half. If we respect the other half, there is always going to be peace in that relationship.”

Reading this passage was like finding out my birthday present this year is getting one million dollars daily for 365 straight days (in other words, a gift with five-star awesomeness!):-)

I thought to myself, “Now THIS I can do.” All those other things I often worry about in love-based connections, like …

Yup. I said it. I’m afraid of love.

Specifically, I’m afraid of being loved. Loving others. And loving myself. If there is any form or exchange of love I have left out, just for the record I’m probably afraid of that too.

Over the years as I’ve studied different faith paths and philosophies, I have often been interested to hear saints and great beings speak of the intensity of the love experience. Jesus scared his disciples so bad when he let his inner love out (commonly called the “Transfiguration”) that their fear paralyzed them and they fell over.

I can only imagine I’d react the same way….or worse.

In another recent post I shared how much I enjoy the writings of don Miguel Ruiz, who, incidentally, is not afraid of love. Thank goodness.

While I don’t always understand what Ruiz is talking about in his books, I am always very receptive to understanding it. Recently I ordered Ruiz’ “The Mastery of Love: A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship.” I was very excited when it arrived.

Unfortunately, I found it to be so profound that after having it in my possession for three days, I am still on page two of chapter one. On this page, Ruiz writes, “You have the power to create. Your power is so strong that whatever you believe comes true. You create yourself, whatever you believe you are.”

On the next page he goes on to write, “You have practiced all of your life to be what you are, and you do it so well that you master what you believe you are. You master your own personality, your own beliefs; you master every action, every reaction. You practice for years and years, and you achieve the level of mastery to be what you believe you are. Once we can see that all of us are masters, we can see what kind of mastery we have.”

Here I can see clearly that I have mastered the art of fearing love.

Oops.

But then on the next page …

Sometimes friends send me articles.

I always like getting them even if the content of the articles makes it clear that I am probably not doing something I probably should be doing in order to achieve something I have told them I want to achieve.

More rarely, articles arrive that appear to point out when I am already doing something I should be doing.

This of course is very cool.

Recently a friend sent me an article called “Secret Ingredient for Success.” Originally published by The New York Times, the article described two types of learning: “single loop” and “double loop.”

As defined by Harvard business professor Chris Argyris, “single loop” learning is “an insular mental process in which we consider possible external or technical reasons for obstacles.”

In other words, with this type of learning we don’t really learn anything, except how good we are getting at blaming other people and external circumstances for our failure.

Contrast this with “double loop” learning, where according to Argyris we “question every aspect of our approach, including our methodology, biases and deeply held assumptions.”

About “double loop” learning, article co-authors Camille Sweeney and Josh Gosfield write, “This more psychologically nuanced self-examination requires that we honestly challenge our beliefs and summon the courage to act on that information, which may lead to fresh ways of thinking about our lives and our goals.”

Clearly, this second type of learning comes highly recommended.

More importantly, however, I was excited to realize while reading that I am already a “double loop learner” (if such a term exists). I was also excited to realize there was terminology to describe the sometimes brutal process of self-inquiry I put myself through with the help of mentors, coaches and trusted friends, and that I am not the only one who does this, and that doing this is actually a good thing.

Most of all, I was excited to read that double loop learning works – for celebrities including tennis star Martina Navratilova, Brit pop band OK Go, restauranteur David Chang and (I would assume) Harvard business professor Chris Argyris and article …

Not so many years ago (2006 to be exact) Will Smith and his son Jaden co-starred in a film called “The Pursuit of Happyness.” The film was autobiographical. The story revolved around a man who turns his rather substantial run of bad luck around, in the process building the foundation to start his own successful firm. The film was quite successful.

More recently, my issue of Time magazine faithfully appeared and I as faithfully flipped to the back to read (in this order) Joel Stein‘s column, The Culture section and 10 Questions with the celebrity of the month. As usual, the celebrity of the month was a person I had never heard of. Her name? Jamaica Kincaid.

I learned right away that Jamaica Kincaid is an author – an award-winning novelist as it turns out. After googling her name, a BBC article also revealed that she is a self-made woman – a person who literally refused to let circumstances, family relationships or other painful, complicated things define her worth as a person or her potential in life.

In other words, she is my kind of people.

I’ve never read any of her novels that I am aware of, but I read Ms. Kincaid’s thoughts on pursuing happiness and unhappiness with great interest. She says she doesn’t know what “the pursuit of happiness” means. On the subject of pursuing unhappiness, she states, “One doesn’t have to pursue unhappiness. It comes to you. You come into the world screaming. You cry when you’re born because your lungs expand. You breathe. I think that’s really kind of significant. You come into the world crying, and it’s a sign that you’re alive.”

I too think this is significant. I will admit I can’t recall now whether my rather too vivid memories of my own c-section birth were induced by later “rebirthing” seminars (one of the many out-of-my-comfort-zone approaches I tried to escape my eating disorder) or represent actual I-was-born-and-I-was-there memories. At any rate, I remember being born, and then …

Last week I mentioned I am knee-deep in don Miguel Ruiz’s latest book, “The Fifth Agreement.”

I also mentioned I didn’t understand most of it (except for presence, which you can read about here.)

But there is one other concept – thank goodness – that I found fairly easy to immediately grasp and put to use. This is Ruiz’s concept of what he calls “language types.” In “The Fifth Agreement”, Ruiz and his co-author (and son, and fellow shaman) don Jose Ruiz explain that there are three types of languages that we human beings tend to use.

These are the three types:

• Gossip
• Warrior
• Truth

The gossip language type doesn’t need any explanation, really. We can tell when somebody else is gossiping to us or about us. And we can tell when we are gossiping about others or ourselves (interestingly, Ruiz & Ruiz say that most of our gossip is actually about ourselves).

The warrior language type has good intentions but tends to get far too invested in whatever is being spoken. When we use warrior language, sometimes our words are truthful and sometimes they are not. We also have a hard time telling which is which, or figuring out what word choice has to do with how much we enjoy our life….or don’t. (In terms of a progression, warrior language speakers are doing a bit better than the gossip speakers, but they can still do a whole lot better too.)

The truth language type sounds more like silence, apparently. People who speak the language of truth don’t need to speak much, and when they do speak their words always carry the power of truth.

Here is where the Fifth Agreement itself starts to feel a bit less confusing to me too, because when you take that Agreement, “be skeptical, but learn to listen” and put it up against each language type, it is pretty clear which type(s) you might want to watch out for….or seek out.

Today’s Takeaway: Ruiz & Ruiz state …