……Continued from yesterday’s post, Meeting You Part One

On page 11 of the Introduction to “Quiet”, Cain writes a brief overview description of extroverts and introverts:

“Extroverts are the people who will add life to your dinner party and laugh generously at your jokes, They tend to be assertive, dominant, and in great need of company. Extroverts think out loud and on their feet; they prefer talking to listening, rarely find themselves at a loss for words, and occasionally blurt out things they never meant to say. They’re comfortable with conflict, but not with solitude.”

“Introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills and enjoy parties and business meetings, but after a while they wish they were home in their pajamas. They prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, and family. They listen more than they talk, think before they speak, and often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. They tend to dislike conflict. Many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions.”

Cain also makes the point that both extroverts and introverts can be very friendly and many are not shy (shyness is identified as a fear of social disapproval or rejection, which is a painful learned condition that is much different than introversion but can be developed in the presence of the “Extrovert Ideal” and other shame-based life experiences).

A little later on in the book, Cain offers a helpful informal quiz to readers so we can each see where we fall on the extrovert-introvert spectrum.

I have been traveling quite a bit to different campuses and organizations over the last few months (spring is always a busy time for me with National Eating Disorders Awareness Week falling in February or March annually).

[MeTaylorDiannaSchallesKSU_web]
Taylor is in the middle. She is Bella’s owner.

This spring, as with every spring, I have met a lot of inspiring people. The standouts?

A young woman who raised her hand when I asked the participants if any one of them had nothing they wished to change about themselves (this has never happened during a “Beauty Undressed” event before), the young daughter of a campus event coordinator who told me all about her pet hedgehog named Bella, and the group of Tri-Sigmas who gave me a glimpse into what my Mom must have been like as a founding Tri-Sigma member in her college years.

[MeTriSigsSC_4132012]
Me (left front row) with the Tri-Sigmas

Each time I head out on a trip, I bring along with me all the new information I’ve soaked in about how to best approach, meet, and make friends with ourselves.

I feel very fortunate that over the last year or so (okay, maybe the last decade or so) I seem to be led to one book after another that perfectly encapsulates and explains something about my personality, character, preferences or self that I had long since given up hope of ever understanding.

Each time I find one of these books (or it finds me) I have the exact same reaction: “Wow! This one is IT! This is the one I have been waiting for! This is the most brilliant book EVER!”

And each time, I truly mean it – and I think that I truly mean it more than I have ever meant it before.

Of course, with my latest literary find, I literally DO mean it more than I ever have before. Of course.

Entitled, “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking”, just the title itself had me drawing a deep breath of relief – as in, “Oh thank god I’m not the only one who has noticed.”

Our world really does seem like it can’t stop talking sometimes, doesn’t it?

Furthermore, sometimes I get the impression that those of us who crave less verbal volubility in our lives are doomed to be forever misunderstood as lazy, unfriendly, stupid, bad tempered, or bad mannered.

In fact, as I turned each successive page of “Quiet”, I came face to face with one quality after another within myself that I had often previously attempted to “fix”, change, explain away, hide, or reverse….in other words, for most of my life, I have wanted to be somebody other than me.

How painful.

Whoo boy.

Never in all my innards did I ever see this post coming.

I travel a lot during the spring and fall when I am speaking at college campuses and conferences, and in addition to the opportunity to meet lots of fun new folks and see new places, my schedule also gives me access to an amenity I do not have at home.

Cable television.

I have lots of fun speaking and we definitely take a lighthearted and proactive approach to discussions about recovery, eating disorders, and the meaning of struggle and being human, but I suppose it is fair enough to say that after a few hours of this, I am ready for some lighter entertainment to close out my evening.

This last round of travels, I found myself glued to Jersey Shore. I had never really watched the show before, and the “gluing” part was a good 85 percent due to the fact that I just Could.Not.Believe. people actually used such crass and shallow terms for actions and choices that I regard as highly personal and private.

But there you have it. Several episodes later, clearly they do.

The other 15% of my fascination, however, I did not really decode until later on, during another speaking event, when I got to talking about the show with one of the students who hung around after my presentation to chat.

When we are recovering from any difficult challenge life throws at us, it is totally normal to feel discombobulated for awhile.

Who am I again? What am I all about? Am I here?

Normal, normal, all too normal.

Oddly, being thrown for a loop is about the only time that a human being can absolutely, with 100% certainty, count on having the experience of being “normal”.

Because while there is nothing normal about struggling, there is everything normal about the experience of the human struggling.

A colleague, Liz Dennery Sanders*, recently resposted a great article on what fellow blogger and author Julien Smith calls “The Cult of Awesomeness”. She also added her own thoughts on what it means to be awesome, and I liked both articles very much.

I liked them so much so, in fact, that I thought they were re-mentioning here as well.

If we are to believe shame and vulnerability researcher Brene Brown, vulnerability can just about cure cancer.

The thing is, I believe her.

I first heard about Brene’s work several years ago. She happens to do her research at the University of Houston, and I happen to live in Houston. So I had visions of sitting down with her over coffee, sharing with her about how shame is a factor for those who develop eating disorders.

But I think (know) that she already knew that.

In her latest talk for TED.com, called “Listening to Shame”, Brene implicates the all-too-human experience of shame in the development of just about everything that hurts and kills us.

Addiction.
Eating disorders.
Depression.
Anxiety.
Suicide.
You name it.

Vulnerability, on the other hand, is a necessary ingredient in the antidote to shame.

One of my all-time favorite movies is the Nicholas Cage classic “Gone in 60 Seconds”.

Nicholas Cage in “Gone in 60 Seconds”

This is not just because Nicholas Cage and my brother Adam could be identical twins, either.

In the movie, Cage plays car thief Randall “Memphis” Raines. His nemesis, Detective Castlebeck (played by Delroy Lindo) and Castlebeck’s sidekick (played by none other than a younger Timothy Olyphant, aka Justified’s Raylan Givens) spend what seems to be every waking minute trying to bust his chops.

[MeAdam2011_web]
Me with my brother Adam (aka “The Young Nick Cage”)

Continually throughout the film, you hear Castlebeck muttering, “The easy way or the hard way, Raines….the easy way or the hard way.”

I must have watched the movie a dozen times before I realized that that was my favorite line. It felt like something I’d been asking myself for most of my (now) 41 years.

When I was in college I wanted to be in the FBI.

Yup, that is right. The Federal Bureau of Investigation.

The gal my parents nicknamed “our little flower” wanted to be a pistol packing, trained and dangerous government official.

Looking back now, I think I was just confused….because clearly what I really wanted was to simply marvel at others (real or fictitious) who have those skills from the comfort and safety of my own home.

To date I have plowed my way through the entire five seasons of “Burn Notice”, and I am right smack dab in the middle of season three of “Justified”. I already have season one of “White Collar” loaded into my Netflix queue, and right behind that I plan to watch “Luther”.

I just like folks who don’t waste time that could be spent getting it done.

I like folks, characters or flesh and blood, who aren’t afraid to make a decision, even if it requires pitting doing what’s easy against doing what’s right. In fact, I especially like those kind….the kind who choose option b on a regular basis.

I guess I spent too many years of my own life waffling, and now I’m ready to get a little of my own back, even if it is vicariously.

My landlady and I have had our differences over the years, so when she loaned me the first book in the Dragon Tattoo series, I accepted it more as a mutually desired peace offering than with any real literary enthusiasm.

Truth be told, I was scared of the books. I have a phobia about serial killers (unfortunately realized a good 100 “Medium” episodes too late) and I knew full good and well the book was named “The Man Who Hates Women” in the Swedish edition.

But I was determined to read it anyway – for the aforementioned reason.

I started reading, and promptly started having nightmares. Of course. I have a phobia, the book was addressing the phobia, and certainly there were many other rather awful events that befell the heroine along the way to the end of page 650-I-lost-count.

But, as I am sure the writer intended, by the end of the first book I was also hooked.

I am a bird nut. A bird fanatic. A bird lover extraordinaire.

I think it is extremely fun to spend my free time taking pictures of my bird, Pearl, and then writing about all the cute things she does in the special blog I started for her, Love & Feathers. Sometimes I spend so much time chasing Pearl around with my iPhone camera that I forget I have actual work to do.

This also helps Pearl remember, yet again, why the iPhone is mortal birdie enemy #1.

But pets are such great mentors because they keep us honest. For instance, Pearl now knows that nighttime is neck feather-scratching time. If I do not respond to her first reminder chirps, she will. not. stop. until. I. do.

It does not matter how comfortable I am in whatever part of the house I am hanging out in. My feathered gal’s got nothing but time, and her tiny but powerful birdie lungs never wear out.

Perhaps this is one reason why I am now on my third go-round reading one of my all-time favorite books, Wesley the Owl.