Not too long ago, I made a huge breakthrough in my self-work.
I had long been aware that there were certain walls – protective or otherwise – that I had through the years erected and even for a time maintained against others, be they situations, people, places, or even memories.
But it wasn’t until more recently that I realized I also had a wall up, and in place, against myself.
It started with my morning meditations.
I used to try to meditate at night before bed, but who are we kidding? At some point, at least in my world, it becomes pretty difficult to tell the difference between “meditation” and sleep.
So I transitioned to doing my primary meditation in the morning just after awakening.
This has been helpful on several levels. I have always been a prolific and vivid dreamer, and meditating in the mornings helps me to take valuable messages from my dreams. Also, for many years I have woken up each morning with a vague “anxious” feeling that no amount of therapy or self-inquiry seemed to be able to extinguish.
It was by meditating into that place – the place of unknown anxiety – that I discovered my self-erected wall.
A few posts ago I shared a helpful four-step technique that my life coach taught me. With this tool, you notice, name, feel, and release feelings as they arise. It was while practicing this technique, while feeling the nameless anxiety during my morning meditation, that I noticed the wall.
I was hiding from myself. I felt ashamed of not being able to “solve” the morning anxiety, ashamed of many feelings and thoughts and things, actually, and so I just didn’t allow myself to acknowledge them – even to me!
Without allowing myself to acknowledge their presence, I refused to acknowledge their impact. By refusing to acknowledge their impact, I refused myself any opportunity to reach out for help so I could heal.
The morning meditations had become (unbeknownst to me) an olive branch I was extending from me to me, a simple, safe, and trusted medium through which I could say to myself, “Now will you tell me what is wrong?”
Today’s Takeaway: Are there times when you suspect you might not be telling yourself everything there is to know about you? Do you withhold the truth from yourself, or even the awareness that there is a “truth”? How could breaking down the wall against yourself free you to build a true friendship and partnership with yourself instead?
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Last reviewed: 27 Dec 2011