Side effects from medications are inevitable, however, when you couple side effects with a hard time in life, things can go awry.

I lost my hair last year.  I can’t blame it all on the antidepressant I took to help curb depression, because I was going through a rough time in my personal life.  During this time, I wrote a lot of poetry as a coping mechanism.  Recently, I looked at some of my work and it made me thankful.  It made me proud that I took a tough time in my life, and was able to honestly express the feelings you endure when you experience bad side effects.

Here are some poems if you’ve ever lost your hair.

POEM: ZOLOFT

I think I am losing

My hair.

Is it a sign of

Depression?

Or

Of the anti-depressant

I’m ingesting?

Why is my hair

Thinned

To

Thinner

To

Thinned out. 

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Communication can be tough, even among family.   Some families have individuals walking around with a mental illness, and don’t even know it.  Some do know it, but tend not to discuss it.  Just like when your doctor asks you about your medical history, cancer, heart disease etc… It is crucial to know your families mental health history. Here are some questions to consider addressing with your mother this Mother’s Day.

7 Questions to ask your mom if she suffers from a mental illness:

1. Did your mom or dad have any signs of mental illness?
2. When you were pregnant, did you stop taking medication?
3. At what age did you get diagnosed with ____?
4. How long did it take you to find the right medication for your illness?
5. What was your life like before you were diagnosed with your mental illness?

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Breaking up sucks.  There really is no other way to say it.  But, what’s worse, is when we break-up, and loath the loneliness, the forced changes you have to make in your life, the loss, and the sadness to the point where we return to the relationship.  We think the reasons we broke up aren’t as bad as the pain we feel when we are broken up, so we go back.

When we find ourselves breaking up, then getting back together, then breaking up, we live a life of an in-between break up.  This is not good.  This is not healthy.  It takes strength, confidence and blind faith that things will be ok, but sometimes we  fail to realize that it takes time, and discipline to stand by a break-up, and when you do, you will be able to move forward, and build back your life.

Poem: The In-Between Break-Up

A break up really hurts

When you don’t stick to it.

Your logic

Loses its freedom.

Your independence

Has no voice.

You are back where you were

Before you made the break.

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Some of us have a pseudo-marriage to our phone, that can borderline unhealthy.  We’ve all seen people that “forget” to turn off their phone, or can’t help but check it during inappropriate times.  There is a time, and place, to check our phone, to pick up your phone, and to text someone with your phone.

Here are 12 occasions and situations that are not okay to take out your phone:

1. On a first date – Do you want a second date?
2. On the treadmill – Are you sweating on your phone?
3. During your child’s recital – How many hours did your child practice for their big moment?
4. During a meeting with your lawyer – How much are you paying for their precious time?
5. During a medical examination – Papsmear with your phone? Ah, no.
6. While driving – Check out the price of that ticket!
7. In the shower - Cleaning yourself comes second to a text?

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Inside and beside

The heart of me

Is the demon.

The do gooder

Pumps out blood

To survive.

And the demon

Can fang itself onto that

New blood.

And your body either

Fights it

Dispels it

Or becomes it.

Demon image available from Shutterstock

I consider the twenties a wash.  A lot of us don’t like to remember, or sometimes even admit, to things we experienced or did prior to getting help.

Self-medication is a loose term.  Especially when we used it as an excuse for mania and now, with a proper mood stabilizer, that term “self medication” should no longer exist.  I say should but we are all prone to old habits.  Old habits are just that, habits, which don’t get affected by any form of medication. And you can’t lean on “self-medication” as an excuse to engaging in bad habits once you get stabilized.

I recall the first time I took my mood stabilizer.  I was driving down Sunset Blvd. and didn’t drive with urgency.  I experienced a whole new kind of relaxation that felt like, or equivalent to, the feeling of having a couple glasses of wine, or a joint.  It hit me that I didn’t need alcohol or marijuana to curb my hypomania.  Yes, I thought.  I am free from wild restless nights of using alcohol to get to sleep, and stop the internal combusting in my brain, and I can finally feel what it’s like to walk in the world without excessive energy.  My problems are solved!

It was an opportunity for me to stop my “self medication.”  I thought awesome, I can switch out my bad habits and pop a pill and everything will be as it should be. My mood stabilizer will replace my “self-medication.”

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I know who I am

Deep inside.

Yet always on the surface

Is the other self.

I feel that deep self inside

Peeping out through the clouds

Of the outdoor self

Of my existence.

I know it’s there

Yet I choose to ignore it.

I walk through my life

Not in my life.

Cause if I walked

In my life

I’m forced to deal

With all the pain, rubbish, tarnish

That makes me a flawed human.

I want to walk in my life

Not through it.

But, it’s not that easy.

-eml

Self portrait image available from Shutterstock

Bipolar II has a symptom of arrogance that can prevent suicide. I take pride in my condition: Chronic Hypo Mania aka Bipolar II. My arrogance, or ego, has always kept me alive, and has prevented me from suicidal ideations or any suicidal attempts.  Thank God.

The role of arrogance to escape suicide and find balance through pride goes as follows…

Arrogance

Arrogance is a big symptom of Bipolar II.  Similar to a Bipolar I manic episode, you can experience elevated thoughts and grandiose ideations.   Yes, at times this can get me in trouble, but, it is my underlying arrogance that has kept me alive. I think to myself, “I have way too much to accomplish in this world, so much to contribute, so why would I even entertain a suicidal thought.” Sounds arrogant, yes, but I’ll take it, for it keeps me alive and away from suicide.  However…

Suicide

That grandiose behavior has landed me in situations where I have acted suicidal.  Thinking you are invincible will get you in some compromising situations.  Racing thoughts, and the belief you are above whatever “it” is, or able to go beyond reasonable measures, can go south real fast. It’s important to find a balance when your ego takes over.  And finding balance comes with having some pride.

Pride

In my experience working with the mentally ill, I come across shame and denial.  Maybe the answer is finding a way to take pride in your condition.  When I lose my arrogance, and take pride in owning my condition, I find balance.  And isn’t balance all that a hypomanic person hopes to find?

Arrogant gal photo available from Shutterstock

A lot of people suffer from not being able to let things go.  Whether it is a mistake we made, or a situation that didn’t go our way, our mental state and ability to not let things go can impede our ability to move forward, and free ourselves from circumstances outside of your sphere of control.  Why do we do this? And how do we stop?

Here are 3 things to consider next time you can’t seem to let things go:

1. Obsessing – Obsessing over something that is out of your control is a waste of your time and energy.  Try and differentiate what is in your control, and what it not.  Once you acknowledge something out of your control, ask yourself “What can I do about it now?”  Literally speak those words out loud to yourself will help you move forward, and not get caught up in obsessing over something you can’t do anything about. 

So stop.

2. Getting Your Way – You can’t always win. Sometimes we come across a situation that is built on our principles or how we believe things should be, or what we think is right.  The world is not always going to see it your way, so adamantly trying to prove your point, even if you think you are 100% right, is not going to get you anywhere other than into a frustrated state. Don’t get mad, don’t lose sight of your convictions, but, don’t let your need to get your way drive you crazy. 

Let it go.

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Depression can be so overwhelming that sometimes it seems too hard, too big, and too much to deal with, so much that we lose sight of little things we can do to reduce depression that go a long way.

Here are 4 simple things to consider doing when depression seems too much to handle:

1. Make Your Bed – Make a point to make your bed every morning. Looking at a disheveled bed throughout your day is, quite frankly, sad. Getting back into an unmade bed at the end of your day is a reminder off the cyclical nature of depression. Break the habit of leaving your bed unkempt, and no matter when you manage to get up and out of your bed, turn around and put it back together.

2. Dressing for the Store – When you run errands and you are out visible in the world, try and ditch the sweats. When I went through a depression, I used to walk to my local grocery store in my old go-to depression clothes and, quite honestly, looked like s**t.  I felt people looking at me and looking away.  It was as though depression was contagious, and it only made me more isolative and alone. When we are depressed, we tend to have a depression uniform that we wear.  Don’t let your clothes be a depression outfit. You might not care what you look like, but, you will feel a wave of negativity when you find yourself in a public place, and are met with unnecessary looks from people that have no idea what you’re going through. People can be rude.  Don’t give them the opportunity to feed your depression.

3. Wash Your Car – A lot of us commute to work, and spend a fair amount of time in our cars. Depression can be dirty. Take your car to the car wash and treat yourself to a fresh clean car. Don’t spend time in a mobile dirty hole. You’re going to have to make errands, why not drive in style.

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