First date, blind date, fifth date: When, where, and how do you disclose to your mate that you have a mental illness?
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I try to address it as soon as possible. Most times I think the honesty is appreciated. The truth will come out, I look back on my history as shaping me. My illness is a part of me, take it or leave it. It’s anxiety provoking to say the least. If it puts your potential suitor off it wasn’t meant to be. Happy valentines
You are absolutely right. And thanks for giving your story. I met a guy that told me he would never be with a Mentally I’ll person and ten months later wated to date me… So, now mental illness is ok? Do I have to cultivate relationships I can bringing it out? It’s so confusing… ThAnks for sharing…e
By no means am I an expert in dating because I haven’t dated much, but I would not feel comfortable sharing something that personal until I really get to know the person a bit. I would want to know how they feel about it in general first, by bringing up because of a news story or something. Too many misconceptions, stigmatization, and assumptions which I do not need people to have about me.
I was friends with a guy that turned into something more and it’s funny cause early on in our friendship, i told him i was bipolar and he said he would never marry or be with someone that had a mental illness and i was like, ok, your loss… he’s my boyfriend now… go figure
Well, I told him from the get-go. Before we even started dating. I even had him go through my Borderline Personality Disorder page https://www.facebook.com/BpdAwarenessOfMiami and bought him a book about it.
I like to wait to get to know the person. I don’t go on dates a whole lot, I ask people to go out with me, but I don’t know who is considering it a date. I have a tendency to say too much to people when I am anxious and worried things are going terribly. I think it totally depends on who you are talking to. I feel that I have shut down friendships or relationships because I have said I have ocd or whatever. I have told people the first time we have gone out, the 3rd time, never, and probably around the fifth time. (at times I have known these people at school for awhile though. I am also 29 years old, and still in school so when I tell someone I have a bunch of mental illnesses and don’t work and take one class at a time, I am just setting myself up for people to think I am inadequate. I think it might be best too have someone like you without knowing about your illness, don’t tell them until much much further into the relationship. This way they know what you are like, what you are able to do. On the other hand if your symptoms cannot so easily be hidden, then there isn’t much choice. If you continually are late, or are turning them down socially or however, you just come across as uncaring and mean. It can help that you have a reason for your inconsistent behavior. To feel connected to a person, someone who deals with their disorder almost every moment wouldn’t feel understood if a huge part of who they are is left out. I feel dishonest going a long time without telling someone. The thing is I don’t want to measure myself against other people who are not in my position, and I don’t want other people to measure me against them, but they will, so having the personal information about my condition might help them not hold me to such crazy standards of living. Again, this can go the other way, people will drop expectations too much for you, assuming you are weak and unable to progress. However, it seems a lot of people don’t flly understand what it is like to live with a mental illness and assume it’s much easier to deal with than it is, they may minimize your experience, leading to endless explanation of why it is you think the way you do. It’s pretty hard for anyone to get it, so I would expect confusion when telling someone new, a LOT of confusion. Letting someone in on all this, should be left until much later because of the reality of how everyone was brought up. We expect stability, strength, humor, intelligence, security, protection from our partners, and I think people assume people with mental illness don’t possess those things, we are looked at as being damaged. Why would someone want to spend their emotional experiences with someone they feel needs fixing. If I can explain how my illness makes sense, how I can see through it, people seem to appreciate me more. The problem is I can’t see through it, I am not honest with myself, because every moment is a struggle, every second is painful. How do you tell someone that and expect them to want to be around you? Not only do you have to explain that your problem is real, you have to explain the way out too, in order to be understood, or loved. To tell someone about your illness so early in a relationship may bring them closer in some ways, they may want to learn, but ultimately it puts distance between people. The exception of course is if you are lucky enough to be talking to someone who does understand, maybe they struggle intensely themselves or have known others, but it is hard to find these people. But if you do, I believe talking about your illness right away is fine, because unlike people who don’t understand the pain, the people who do can remind you of your humanity, and have the ability to laugh about our issues, which is the greatest connection of all.
Thank you from the center of my heart for sharing your story JC. You’re insight is unique and real. Me… i tell everyone off the bat cause, have no shame in my awesomeness that comes with hypomania!!
Just to add a little more, in our society a majority of people are raised to want to be successful, to be complete, to have a variety of necessary qualities. Telling someone about mental illness and the problems that go with them, goes against the idea of a perfect mate that they were raised to think exists. It will be harder for a wider amount of people to accept you. People want someone who is able to reach their goals with them, it may seem to them that people with mental illness don’t possess the qualities needed. People have already been brainwashed to think of their world and their place in it a certain way, their influences are strong, their family and friends continually re-enforce their beliefs. If they run into someone who acts and thinks differently from their worldview, then they will be skeptical of you. I would not expect open arms from someone you don’t know well when talking about living or thinking so differently than they are used to. They were not programmed to accept you.
My significant other already knew I was bipolar before we started dating. We were friends before we started dating. I tried pushing him away many times, thinking I was protecting him, but he wouldn’t budge. So I married him
love it…love it..love it!
As u can see from my email i let people know right away. In the end they will be willing to give it a try or not, doesn’t matter when they will feel the same no matter what but may not like they weren’t told right away so they could flee. People read each other in all sorts of ways and i prefer to be honest because frankly i am a horrible liar. So i don’t. If you have been hanging around people in a group chances are they already know or have been told by someone else. I don’t judge or stereotype anyone because i think everyone has some sort of problem so just get it out and it’s behind you not controlling your thoughts.
I’d been with my partner about 7-8 months before I was diagnosed bipolar, but we’d talked about mental health long before then.
He hinted at his own mental health problems the very first time we met – he didnt mention any diagnosis or treatment, but made some self-deprecating remarks that were obviously implying he had a history of depression/self-harm.
During our first couple of dates I did the same – not saying that I’d seen psychiatrists or talking about medication, but telling a few anecdotes that made my history of depression clear.
So, throughout the first 6 months we were pretty frank about mental illness (I work in mental health, so this general topic area came up a lot both personally and professionally). And gradually we told each other more specifics about episodes/treatment we’d had. So, it wasn’t difficult to then tell him that I’d been referred for another assessment, or what the outcome was. He didn’t bat an eyelid when I told him my diagnosis, as we were already so used to talking about these things.
I’ve read all your posts, and they seem evenly divided between telling right away, and waiting fo a while.
Personally, I told all my friends and family first, and I found out who my true friends were. Also, found out who would be there for me in my family. I followed the same policy in my dating life. Some were gone in a flash, and some held on for a while. One absolutely did not care I had it, and was there for me when I needed it. We now have lived together 7 years! We both have children and we sat down and talked with them about it. It seems to have them more tolerant of others with any sort of disability. I’m one lucky woman!