“Hey Dr. I think my appointment is on Thursday the 15th….at 2:30? If i’m wrong call me back, otherwise I’ll be there at that date and time.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left that message. I have a memory. I don’t forget my dentist appointment in three months. I don’t forget where I parked. I don’t forget long or short-term things, yet, I always manage to forget my appointment. And I’m straight up with my Doctor:
“I do not want to be here. Nothing personal, just don’t want to be here.”
It’s a lot of pressure to squeeze your mind into one session. Figure out what drugs work, or not. Figure out how you feel about yourself, your place, your job, your relationships, your family, your life. It’s a lot. Maybe that’s part of it. The feeling that I have to make sure I give up all the information I can to better my mental health; to better help my Doctor determine what’s best for me. It’s a lot of pressure.
But I do. And I feel better afterwards when I walk down the stairs out of the building. It’s a weird sensation.
You walk in terrible, and walk out better. But the next time I go through it all over again. I forget the time and day, I dread the drive there, I hate the sitting down and now spill it all out in a finite amount of time and hope that you say the right thing. Cause you can say anything. Maybe that’s the bizarre challenge.
It’s hard to go to your psychiatrist.
I don’t know why they say, “Go to your doctor.” I’ve been in a hole the past week and need a doctors note to justify my absence at work which really isn’t happening and shows the stupidity of the modern age to expect someone with a mental illness to make it a doctor for a note.
It was my period. That was the reason I lost it last weekend and plummeted into a terrible bed glued depression. I didn’t understand most of the technical psych terms my psychiatrist used when he tried to explain it to me but thankfully, now I know, I am not crazy, I just need to watch out when the next menstrual cycle comes around. I don’t recall ever having this problem in the past when I was on the same antidepressant so this is all new to me. I went into my session knowing that he wasn’t going to change my meds cause I guess I am doing better then our last session. It’s hard to know what to say when you see your doctor. You want to squeeze as much information in the expensive time you have to get answers and positive results and that alone is a stress. But all you can do is do your best to retell the stories you lived through since you started taking a medication and hope it’s enough to help your shrink monitor your behavior.
It has almost been over a week on my new antidepressant and it’s getting easier to open the pill box and take it. Not perfect, but I’m trying. I skipped a couple days which I know is bad but I waffled on taking the whole thing to begin with so I needed to take baby steps. However, this week I was more diligent about keeping a daily routine of taking them and did my best to fight the feel I get when I have to open the box. The stupidest thing I did was look up all the side effects. I prefer not to know.
The beast is back. I had a good run though, and I’m not sure how it happened. Well, that’s a lie. My environment hasn’t been the healthiest one. I keep running into my ex, which is terrible cause things did not end on the most amicable terms. I am really burned out at my job and have had other external factors to play into the beast. The beast: Depression.
I’ve spent the last couple weekends finding it hard to leave my bed. Not my place, my bed, which is way worse. I finally broke down and made the call to see my psychiatrist before our scheduled appointment.
We rely on Doctors to scribble our life into a notebook then come up for air and say: You are Bipolar, you have Major Depressive Disorder, you are Hypo Manic, you have this, you are that.
Some of us are misdiagnosed or, we are undiagnosable. The education of mental health is not concrete. There are new illnesses being studied and formed on a constant basis. This can cause years of strain, stress, frustration, and anger. Anger, especially when you finally get a correct diagnosis, and then you have to find meds to temper that diagnosis, which is a whole other story, and an entire new battle.
I am supposed to take my mood stabilizer (Lamictal) twice a day. One pill in the morning and one and a half at night, but, sometimes I find myself cheating on my meds. I don’t use a pill cutter and when I go to take my half pill at night, I’ll bite a fourth off. I wonder if doing that is really going to make a difference in my mood. Well, not right away, but eventually, it does. You wouldn’t think biting off just a little less would cause an effect but it will. I don’t know if it is psychological or chemical, probably both, but I still do it once and awhile and know I am not the only one.
In the modern age it seems everyone is dating online. Some of us fight it like the plague, while others of us are so accustomed to meeting people online that, as a result, we are losing sight of the old days when we would meet people out in the world head on. Face to face.
There are some places that we can find real time human engagement and be surrounded by actual human beings. Coffee shops, book stores (wait, we are running out of book stores, Borders is over), parks, museums…there are a plethora of places to meet people, and diversify your ability to have new experiences, and connect with others.
For example, grocery stores can be a great way to meet someone, especially stores that have turned their establishment into a full blown playground. One example is Whole Foods.
The internet will always be a place to meet and connect with people but, don’t limit yourself to living through your computer. There are places out there waiting for you to enjoy.
POEM: WHOLE FOODS
It’s an office for writers
A Mecca of computers
With people looking for space
And search for an outlet
For their dying computer.
You have a conversation
With your sister
And catch up on the latest gossip
How fat is Kim Kardashian today?
Sometimes life gets hard when you don’t get a break from your mental illness. It can hang over your head. Especially when your friends and family know you have a mental illness and use that as a reason to understand or explain your behavior. Often, when you are having a hard time, they’ll point to your illness as the source:
“She’s in one of her moods,” or “He’s not coming to the party cause he’s being anti social. Depression or something.”
Oh, like you’ve never been frustrated or sad or excited?! People can have your mental illness be a go-to answer to explain your behavior when really, you are a human being just like everyone else. It can be unfair for your mental illness to be a label that gets thrown out there to describe, explain, or justify your actions.
Summer’s just around the corner and will be here before you know it. Start preparing for your spectacular summer body now. Here are a some simple things you can do to get yourself ready for summer:
1. Jump Rope – I once saw Naomi Campbell on the Oprah Winfrey Show and she said jump roping is a great way to keep your face slim. Makes sense. You’re jumping up and down and your cheeks get a great work out. And guess what, I’ve tried it, it works. Go to your local sports shop and get yourself a jump rope. It’s a quick easy way to get a workout on your face.
2. Sit on a Ball at Work – Sounds crazy but, again, I’ve tried it. I once worked with a woman that told me her father worked for NASA and sits on an exercise ball at work all day long. He ditched the chair, and by doing so, he was able to lose weight in his stomach. The idea is you are forced to sit up and not sit back on a chair so your mid-section gets a work out all day and you can burn fat while you work. It’s also good for your back and helps you work on your posture. Who cares if you look ridiculous at work. Once you start seeing results, you’ll find others jumping on the bandwagon.
3. Dumbbells at commercial breaks – Get yourself a set of dumbbells. It’s a great way to get a work out on your arms and, let’s face it, arms are hard to slim down. So, when you sit down to enjoy an episode of your favorite show, make it a habit to pick up your dumbbell during commercial breaks. You have two minutes to squeeze in a work out and it’s better than taking a trip to the fridge. A few sets of weights per arm on your commercial breaks helps.