I always said that once I get said effects from any medication I am done. Off. Out. Period. The three top side effects I refuse to live with are: weight gain, a tremor, and a loss of sex drive. But, for the first time in the decade that I’ve been on different meds with an array of side effects, I am letting the lack of a sex drive go. Why? Weird.
To be honest, I didn’t even realize that my sex drive had diminished until I was cleaning up my apartment and found my vibrator under my bed. And I asked myself, “When is the last time I used that?!” For weeks masturbation never even crossed my mind. I chalked it up to the fact that I had no man in my life or steady relationship, I have sworn off dating for a while, and one night stands are not my thing, so somehow I managed to forget that my sex drive was gone.
Most of us have heard the saying “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Rarely do we hear “Don’t sweat the big stuff”; it sounds like an oxymoron. I locked myself out of my apartment today. I was either going to call the building manager, or deal with it when I got home from work. Knowing that, I knew I would spend the day on and off thinking about the fact I didn’t have access to my place. Now is that big stuff, or small stuff?
I was given a ticket for a live poetry show for Christmas. It was a gift. It was s ticket with a price tag on it so, I had to go. I don’t recall the last time I went to a social event where I went to will call, got my ticket, took my seat, and found myself surrounded by people; people from all walks of life.
I live in a loft in Downtown Los Angeles. It has three large windows facing East where the sun rises in the early AM hours. As I fry in the early morning hours, I am forced to get up. I can’t relax in bed and “sleep in.” Recently I bought some curtains at Bed Bath and Beyond and hung them outside the window in my bedroom. It has impacted my life.
Since I hung the curtains I find myself participating in my depressed. I can stay in bed longer and hide from the sun. I welcome the darkness, and a break from the sun, yet, I know the curtains play a fundamental part in my darkness. I am not forced to get up. I don’t fry like a Vampire in the morning anymore, and I don’t open them when I wake up and actually get up. I leave them covering my window and darkening my bedroom all day, and all night.
I thought the curtains would help me with my insomnia. Insomnia is riddled with anxiety. The curtains have played into this anxiety.
“Hey Dr. I think my appointment is on Thursday the 15th….at 2:30? If i’m wrong call me back, otherwise I’ll be there at that date and time.”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left that message. I have a memory. I don’t forget my dentist appointment in three months. I don’t forget where I parked. I don’t forget long or short-term things, yet, I always manage to forget my appointment. And I’m straight up with my Doctor:
“I do not want to be here. Nothing personal, just don’t want to be here.”
It’s a lot of pressure to squeeze your mind into one session. Figure out what drugs work, or not. Figure out how you feel about yourself, your place, your job, your relationships, your family, your life. It’s a lot. Maybe that’s part of it. The feeling that I have to make sure I give up all the information I can to better my mental health; to better help my Doctor determine what’s best for me. It’s a lot of pressure.
But I do. And I feel better afterwards when I walk down the stairs out of the building. It’s a weird sensation.
You walk in terrible, and walk out better. But the next time I go through it all over again. I forget the time and day, I dread the drive there, I hate the sitting down and now spill it all out in a finite amount of time and hope that you say the right thing. Cause you can say anything. Maybe that’s the bizarre challenge.
It’s hard to go to your psychiatrist.
Insomnia has always hovered over my bed, especially when I am on an antidepressant. Although it’s supposed to help me work through an episode of depression, some medications affect my sleep. Since my medication has kicked in, I’ve been struggling with sleep in the past several weeks. I am caught between doing off my antidepressant to help reclaim my sleep, or just deal with it for now and when my depression no longer requires a medication I can look forward to a more regular sleep pattern. In the meantime, here are some things I’ve done to try and better manage my insomnia.
Most people make New Year’s resolutions. I tend not to, but this year my resolution is to make resolutions. Here are my 20 Psych Resolutions for 2015:
Happy New Year Everyone!
Well, we are coming to the end of my depression series. It took a lot of strength to climb my way out of the cave. I can see the sun on the horizon, and thankfully, I finally feel better. It’s not completely over, or perfect, but I can reflect on the past few weeks to educate myself on what helped, and what didn’t. Everyone’s depression is unique, everyone’s coping skills are personal. Looking back here is what I learned from my depression:
Therapy: After years of fighting it, or being in denial about the need for professional help, I finally started working with a therapist and thus far, it has been an extraordinary experience. It has been eye opening in a way I never thought I would experience. I can’t believe it took me this long to take a step toward help. I always thought that I knew my issues, I just didn’t want to deal with them, but now I have a safe place and person I can trust and help walk me through understanding myself, and my behaviors. Therapy is going to be in my life period, and I am truly grateful for that.
Not Working Out: I stopped beating myself up for not working out as regularly as I used to, and initially I feared getting out of shape, or gaining weight, but the guilt that weighed on my shoulders only made my depression worse. I learned that it is okay to allow the body and mind to rest. I agree that working out is important to helping the mind handle depression but, if you can’t make yourself get to the gym, that is okay. Feeling bad about yourself for taking a break only exacerbates depression so don’t let your lack of your normal pattern of exercise get the best of you. Give yourself a rest and a break during hard times.
I don’t know why they say, “Go to your doctor.” I’ve been in a hole the past week and need a doctors note to justify my absence at work which really isn’t happening and shows the stupidity of the modern age to expect someone with a mental illness to make it a doctor for a note.
Meditation is hard. It takes discipline, time, and regularity. It takes a lot. I have always struggled with meditating. Even with my mood stabilizer, I’ve always had rushed thoughts that have made it hard for me to sit down, be still and chill. When I read about meditation and all the forms it entails I thought ok, I’ll pray as a form of meditation, cause although my mind won’t be blank, if I focus on Hail Mary’s, at least I’ll get a break from my normal storm of thoughts.
So where does this meditation take place? The sauna.