Bipolar II Articles

Fear + Anxiety = Insomnia

Tuesday, February 24th, 2015

sleepless240Recently I was watching an interview featuring Tupac Shakur from jail called “Uncensored and Uncut: The Lost Prison Tapes.” The interviewer discussed gangs in America, and how gang violence affected his life and those the he believed turned on him. Tupac stated:

“Fear is stronger than love, fear is stronger than love. Remember that.”

I don’t know if I agree with this comment but, it had me thinking about fear and in whatever capacity, how fear affects our lives. Having given some thought to this statement, in my experience, fear feeds anxiety.

Fear is defined as “An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.”

What Do You Do When Your Day Starts Off Bad

Wednesday, February 11th, 2015

alarmclock240I started this exercise a few weeks ago. Every morning I sit at my desk and write down positive affirmations. For example:

You are a positive person

You are a positive person

You are a positive person

You are a positive person

I pick a sentence and write it over and over and it is my mantra for the day. Sometimes I sit down and struggle to come up with my sentence for the day. Not today! Today I woke up and for no reason whatsoever things went array. I struggled hooking my bra and when I finally gave up and hooked it in the front and struggled to move it around my body to the back, I realized it was twisted in the middle. The irritability that accompanies my hypomania set in and I felt the wave of anger penetrate my mind. So, I took a moment and told myself to breath.

Then, I went to get dressed and saw my dirty workout clothes on my dresser and thought to myself, I know I bought two sports bras at Target, and realized I hadn’t used the other one yet. The brand new clean one. I started to search my closet and couldn’t locate it. Mind you, I was getting late and would be late to work so stopped myself and assured myself I could look for it when I got home. Why today of all days did I have to find it? No idea. Again, I took a deep breath and stepped away from my closet.

Why I Can’t, and Don’t, Build Things

Wednesday, February 4th, 2015

lightbulbs240I think it is super sexy when a guy can fix things, and build things. The new generation is not as handy as the baby boomers are, and I’m sure more single women are learning how to manage things around their house which is great. I can screw in a light bulb. That’s pretty much it. I want to move my bed tonight and think I can manage that.

One of my super fixer friends once said I’m not handy cause I don’t try. That is true but, when I think back to my childhood I recall when I tried to fix something and I would get so irritated and frustrated and impatient that my anger would overcome by ability to have reason and make it through the project. Some may think if it as giving up or say I am a quitter. This is true, however, was it truly worth the angst that would overcome my emotions and my mind? My inability to handle basic things like pulling out a splinter would drive me over the edge, not to mention how my oversensitive response to things probably drove my family over the edge.

Rand Paul: Normal vs. Abnormal

Monday, February 2nd, 2015

randpaul240A recent article in the Huffington Post called “Rand Paul: Children Got ‘Profound Mental Disorders’ After Receiving Vaccinations” quotes Paul stating:

“I’ve heard of many tragic cases of walking, talking, normal children, who wound up with profound mental disorders after vaccines.

What? “Tragic cases” and mental illness is seen in an abnormal child that doesn’t walk or talk like a normal one is his education on mental health, and he has a political platform to do so? Who are writing these speeches? I guess it doesn’t matter cause despite the fact he probably didn’t write it, he said it. In this debate, Paul allowing parents more choice in the vaccination of their children; calling it a matter of “freedom.” He then goes on to saying he had personal knowledge of kids “who wound up with profound mental disorders” after receiving immunizations for diseases like Hepatitis B and measles.

This or That: The psychiatrist meets the therapist

Saturday, January 31st, 2015

mentalking240I should have known it was coming. My psychiatrist recommended me the therapist I’m working with which has been an amazing experience. I tend to tell more to my therapist then my psychiatrist which is stupid, and weird, cause one is prescribing my medication while the other one is… I’m still new to therapy so won’t say something that doesn’t speak to its worth. It is worth a lot.

“If it is alright with you I’d like to speak to Dr. X.” He handed me release papers.

“What are you going to talk about?”

“Nothing you mentioned that you don’t want me to talk about.” I already said there were subjects I was not willing to discuss with my psychiatrist, which I will not divulge here, but he respectfully acknowledged my sensitively to it, and knew those subjects were off limits.

“Ok. Great.” I signed the paper. 

Side Effects & My Sex Drive

Thursday, January 22nd, 2015

womanonbed240I always said that once I get said effects from any medication I am done. Off. Out. Period. The three top side effects I refuse to live with are: weight gain, a tremor, and a loss of sex drive. But, for the first time in the decade that I’ve been on different meds with an array of side effects, I am letting the lack of a sex drive go. Why? Weird.

To be honest, I didn’t even realize that my sex drive had diminished until I was cleaning up my apartment and found my vibrator under my bed. And I asked myself, “When is the last time I used that?!” For weeks masturbation never even crossed my mind. I chalked it up to the fact that I had no man in my life or steady relationship, I have sworn off dating for a while, and one night stands are not my thing, so somehow I managed to forget that my sex drive was gone.

Sweating the Big Stuff: 10 Things to consider when you find yourself in a sweat

Tuesday, January 20th, 2015


Most of us have heard the saying “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” Rarely do we hear “Don’t sweat the big stuff”; it sounds like an oxymoron. I locked myself out of my apartment today. I was either going to call the building manager, or deal with it when I got home from work. Knowing that, I knew I would spend the day on and off thinking about the fact I didn’t have access to my place. Now is that big stuff, or small stuff?

Being Social: In-Q

Sunday, January 18th, 2015

audienceI was given a ticket for a live poetry show for Christmas. It was a gift. It was s ticket with a price tag on it so, I had to go. I don’t recall the last time I went to a social event where I went to will call, got my ticket, took my seat, and found myself surrounded by people; people from all walks of life.

Is Your Bedroom Depressed?

Wednesday, January 14th, 2015

bedroom window                          

I live in a loft in Downtown Los Angeles. It has three large windows facing East where the sun rises in the early AM hours. As I fry in the early morning hours, I am forced to get up. I can’t relax in bed and “sleep in.” Recently I bought some curtains at Bed Bath and Beyond and hung them outside the window in my bedroom. It has impacted my life.

Since I hung the curtains I find myself participating in my depressed. I can stay in bed longer and hide from the sun. I welcome the darkness, and a break from the sun, yet, I know the curtains play a fundamental part in my darkness. I am not forced to get up. I don’t fry like a Vampire in the morning anymore, and I don’t open them when I wake up and actually get up. I leave them covering my window and darkening my bedroom all day, and all night.

I thought the curtains would help me with my insomnia. Insomnia is riddled with anxiety. The curtains have played into this anxiety.

It’s Hard to Go to Your Psychiatrist

Friday, January 9th, 2015

shutterstock_130134740It’s a hard thing, for me, to go to my psychiatrist. I know it’s coming on the calendar, and I dread it. I actually forget the date and have to call my psychiatrist and leave a message:

“Hey Dr. I think my appointment is on Thursday the 15th….at 2:30? If i’m wrong call me back, otherwise I’ll be there at that date and time.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve left that message. I have a memory. I don’t forget my dentist appointment in three months. I don’t forget where I parked. I don’t forget long or short-term things, yet, I always manage to forget my appointment. And I’m straight up with my Doctor:

“I do not want to be here. Nothing personal, just don’t want to be here.”

It’s a lot of pressure to squeeze your mind into one session. Figure out what drugs work, or not. Figure out how you feel about yourself, your place, your job, your relationships, your family, your life. It’s a lot. Maybe that’s part of it. The feeling that I have to make sure I give up all the information I can to better my mental health; to better help my Doctor determine what’s best for me. It’s a lot of pressure.

But I do. And I feel better afterwards when I walk down the stairs out of the building. It’s a weird sensation.

You walk in terrible, and walk out better. But the next time I go through it all over again. I forget the time and day, I dread the drive there, I hate the sitting down and now spill it all out in a finite amount of time and hope that you say the right thing. Cause you can say anything. Maybe that’s the bizarre challenge.

It’s hard to go to your psychiatrist.

Woman at door image available from Shutterstock.

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