As a Bipolar II individual, I know I will always have poor sleep behaviors.  Recently, I’ve developed a pattern that exacerbates this ongoing reality:  Working Out.

Every night I set my alarm to 6:00 am.  Somewhere around 1 am I wake up and start to stress over whether or not I am actually going to get up and work out.  I find myself what I call, float sleeping, where I am kinda asleep and kinda awake and every hour that reaches that 6:00 am mark causes me stress that shortens my sleep from 1 am to 6:00 am.  My inability to be firm in my decision fuels an anxiety that I already have prevalent in my life with my condition, so in essence, I am contributing to this anxiety, I am creating such anxiety, I foster this anxiety.

POEM: A DOG SWIMMING IN MUD

Am I self-destructive?  Absolutely. 

Where does the destruction find itself?

Why do I allow the harsh, the real, the unbroken, the bleep on the horizon

Be flattened

Like a penny

On a railroad.

Buried beneath the surface is a smothered power.

How do I search it out?

Like a dog scurries for a bone in the mud.

-eml

I get scared sometimes when I think about the history of my relationships and behavioral patterns that repeat themselves and put me in danger of losing a mate.

Some people diagnose themselves before they get professional psychiatric help.  I did, and society influenced my “self-diagnosis.”  Just like PE class for children’s physical health awareness, it is crucial to teach mental health diagnosis in schools instead of using buzz words like ADHD and jumping on a bandwagon that might not be yours.  I thought I was ADHD because I didn’t know there was such a thing as Bipolar II – Chronic Hypo Mania.  Big difference.

Here are some red flags to consider when you self-diagnose and/or miss-diagnose:  

Love.

It sows itself in so many dimensions.

In a pass of oxygen between a conversation.

In a soft leaf of an arm on the side of a rough soul.

It’s so easy to justify

Why he’s not…

There

In

Love

With you

What?

Why?

How?

You can never change the brain or heart that sells itself to

Love.

Heart image available from Shutterstock

I had a lot of mental breakdowns when I used to work in the entertainment industry.  Recently, I fell across a poem I wrote and thought I would share it with you.   

POEM: SO YOU’RE FROM LA

So you’re from LA

I see that look of

“Oh”

On your face

That can mean so many things…

LA is for people

Who watch TMZ

And laugh at

The meltdown

Of Charlie Sheen

“Oh.”

LA

Is for agents that

Bark in your ear

Recently I had a conversation with a friend that told me she has fallen into a depression because of her job.  She finds herself in an unhealthy work environment that she’s never previously experienced before in her life, and puts up with situations she can’t believe she tolerates. I ask myself, why is this the case, and what does this mean for the future of how the culture of the work force operates?

In modern times, some work forces are changing the rules; they are taking advantage of employees because quite frankly, they can.  Employees find themselves in a miserable work environment that they endure because they don’t have any other job opportunities. People of this nature come to work and swallow things they might not otherwise sign onto or put up with. This is not right, but unfortunately we are living in times where we find ourselves stuck in our jobs.  We are scared to make waves, or stand up for ourselves for fear of losing an income.

Recently I’ve wondered what kind of discussions are going on behind closed doors at the White House, in Congress, and the Senate, with regards to the shooting that happened in Connecticut.

Once again, how it is possible to focus on gun control when the root of the problem of shooters in our past, and of late, is mental illness? 

Like most things in life, it probably comes down to one thing: MONEY

How much money would it take to educate the American people on mental illness? 

What steps would be necessary to pursue education and provide better mental health care programs and treatment for those that suffer from a mental illness?

I imagine a closed door discussion on mental health awareness going as follows:

“We can’t afford to put mental health on the table when discussing the shooting because we don’t have the funds to start addressing this matter.”

“Yeah, you’re right.  Besides, most people are either clueless to mental health issues or scared so if we start talking about it we might find questions with no answers or solutions.”