I’ll never forget the first time I took medication and woke up. It was 6:00AM. I jumped in my car and immediately drove to my best friend’s house in the hills. I exploded into her room, fueled by excitement that I had never experienced straight out of bed in the morning. Ever.
“I woke up normal.”
My friend rose from her heavy sleep and smiled. “That’s awesome.”
“No, really, is this how people wake up? Like, rested?”
“Yeah! I told you you should have gotten help. I’m so happy for you.”
“Happy isn’t even the word for it.”
I’ve never had a word to describe that feeling. That feeling of living 28 years of my LIFE waking up with terrible exhaustion and one pill, one night, changed everything.
Time is an interesting factor in understanding Bipolar II. In the Bipolar II world, an hour feels like ages. When people would say, “I don’t have any time,” I never understood it. You don’t have two minutes to pick up the phone and say hi?
I had way too much time and it haunted me. My life was filled with more activities by far than my peers and it still wasn’t enough. When your mind is on fire, thinking a hundred miles a minute, constant thoughts coming at you non-stop, time becomes a true nightmare. Your sense of time is never like everybody else’s, and that clock ticks in slow motion all the time.
The afternoon I took my medication for the first time, I sat down and wrote a poem. I didn’t want to be the cliché that medication kills the artistic spirit. That was seven years ago, and eight hundred poems later I’m still charging away and waking up alive.
POEM: TIME AND THE VCR
Tired but awake
Aware but delusional
From the brain.
Then it becomes silent.
What did I do?
Where did I go?
I have no idea
Because the madness lives in
Madness that I believe
And it does
But it’s not a job
It’s not productivity
It’s simply a moment in space
Thought brought forth through
And it’s awesome
And quick salvation
From the world
But it doesn’t live in the day to day mind
I will never have a day to day mind
Because time is a nightmare.
Am I going to sleep tonight
And wake up exhausted
Fueled by anxiety
To go where
To do what.
Time and the VCR
It’s an unreal clock telling me the external world is slow and boring
My mind is fast forward all the time
Or on pause
While the world walks in slow motion
And I’m felt alone
Man with clock photo available from Shutterstock
This post currently has
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.
Bipolar II Sense of Time – Slow Motion « opfocus1304y (September 4, 2012)
Last reviewed: 28 Aug 2012