I’ve never been suicidal, but have certainly acted suicidal.  It’s part of my disease.  It’s kinda ridiculous when I break it down.

My thought process is somewhat funny to me. I think to myself, I have wayyy to much to offer in this lifetime and so much to do, so how can I even imagine offing myself?  I can’t. My manic, inflated self-esteem that produces grandiose ideations about myself keeps me alive.  HOWEVER, that invincibility that characterizes manic people has gotten me in some serious trouble.

Before I was diagnosed and medicated, I lived in New York City.  I would fly through the streets, hitting up that club or meeting that new person, and looking back, although I was not “suicidal,” I acted suicidal.  My invincibility made me put myself in suicidal situations.  There is a big difference between the two but both of them can end badly.  It’s kinda scary.  Mostly because I am thirty-five years old now and things haven’t changed.

Even now with my medication, I still think I am invincible.  I have put myself in hazardous situations which could result in harm, but can’t seem to help myself.  It’s part of my personality and I don’t want to change that, but when I decide to take a walk through Skid Row in Downtown LA in the middle of the night with no qualms about putting myself in a dangerous situation, it’s acting suicidal.

Do I really need that taco in East LA at two in the morning?  Yes, I do.  They are the best tacos in LA and I need it, and I want it, so I’ll get it.  I’ll saunter down the grimy streets of Skid Row la-dee-da with no fear for a freakin’ taco and it’s stupid.  But I don’t change and quite frankly I don’t want to.

I don’t want to walk in fear but I don’t want to die ’cause I have no fear.  It’s a complex situation that has caused me pain and pleasure.  I may be reckless sometimes, but I’m doing what I want to do. I don’t let people tell me what to do or think or be.  Some people would love to live free of what other people think, but that comes with a price.

Having said that, I probably should think twice next time I need a taco past Skid Row.  I should break out my binoculars and take a good look at the homeless cracker jacks wandering the streets outside my loft windows.  It’s just a taco, Erica, okay?!

No.  I’ll find a way to get it. I’ll wait for the bus and ignore the drug dealers asking me if I want some Seroquel or Wellbutrin to snort.  Since when do the homeless pimp out drugs that I have in my prescription drug cabinet?  Since when did prescriptive drugs replace crack?  Maybe it’s easier to score or something.  I don’t know. We live in a Pharmaceutical Nation, so…

Needless to say, I may not be invincible, but I’m not going to deny my mind’s desires. Or my tubby ass some carne asada. I don’t want your Valium, I have my own cabinet of drogas.  Just let me get my taco, okay?!

Tacos photo available from Shutterstock

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    Last reviewed: 10 Aug 2012