A wise therapist, many years ago said to me: “Well, it’s quite simple Leslie. Your picker is broken. Your antenna isn’t working.”

OK, I’ll bite.

I paid $100 to the  nice lady with the PhD then spent the next 20 + years trying to fix my damn Picker.

And here I am now, on Psych Central, asking my kindred spirits WHY, oh why do we keep choosing partners that are not healthy/not a great match/ or downright toxic…you can fill in your very own blank here…. _______________________ for us?

This question both frustrates me and makes me laugh out loud at the same time!  And though each of our answers are as unique and personal as snowflakes, I believe the answer is right in front of each of us. It’s the solution that’s the buzz kill.

The answer isn’t the most important piece of the puzzle; we can all get a multitude of answers with 1 quick download to our Nook – or a trip to the bookstore or few hours with a Therapist.

The solution, as far as this wise, experienced, could-CLEP-out-of-any-MSW-course woman sees it is that it’s about building a bridge between our hearts and our heads. Connecting that  ‘inner child” (yes, there, I referenced the IC) to our intellect. Now where is that Staples Push Button when we need it? “That was easy!”

Yeah, right. Aint nothin’ bout any of this is easy!

• Remind your precious (and I have to say it a second time here) “inner child” that the choices or actions you made way back then may have served you way back then but as an adult, they do not necessarily serve you anymore.
• There’s nothing quite like a brand new notebook, right? So, start writing!  What traits in a partner are HAVE to haves for you – NICE to haves – or even CRITICAL to haves? Now, take a very long look at your 3 lists and ask yourself if you have gotten any of them. No?  Maybe, like me, your picker needs a little maintenance. Or maybe, you need to bag it and just run on down to your local Wallmart and buy (or lay-a-way) a new Picker.
• There is a WIN in every choice we make. Every situation we are in, has a WIN in it for us.Something that keeps us entangled in it.  Though it’s hard to see, much less admit, there is one. And a WIN doesn’t necessarily feel good. And as we figure out why we keep “attracting” the same people – repeating the same behaviors – over and again, we can keep busy with the construction folks – building that bridge. I don’t know about you but my heart is short sighted and often hard of hearing.

We need to search, as hard as this sounds, with our head leading and the heart close behind. I believe then and only then, will we find ourselves enveloped in the relationships that are good and healthy and impossibly rewarding for us.

photo credit: M.W. FISHER JR.

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    Last reviewed: 8 Mar 2012