It has been 13 months since I have had to crawl out of the terrifying hole that is depression. Some say a depressive “episode”…Well that was one long episode!

It was nearly 2 years worth of episode and as so many of you know, a minute feels like an hour – and hour feels like a day – a day, like a month, a month like a year. When you have depression, that is.

In my life, I’ve had 5 major episodes. And they were both different but alike at the same time.

Same ol’ Gremlins sitting on the edge of the bed as I lay beneath the covers…”You should be happy. Look at all you have. So after you do __________ then you’ll be happy. But it’s too much. You can’t do it. What’s the point anyway?” Over and over and OVER and over again I’ve had that old familiar discussion.

And then it happened. Driving back to Boston from Philly on Thanksgiving 2010. Sitting in traffic on the George Washington bridge, over the Hudson River, thinking about Scully.

I became aware of a sensation. The sensation of light..of levity…of hope. I felt that indescribable feeling; the one right before you cry? And I did. It was an amazing moment in my life. One of those moments that you will never, ever forget.

My depression was lifting and with that, I became free to start my new life in a new place with a new job and a new energy and curiosity and desire and all of the feelings people feel when they do not have depression!

God, so this is what it feels like!

But I left one thing out.

It has been 13 months that I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Since I have the extra challenge of BP/depression, I try very hard to take care of myself. To manage it. But come closer, I’ll tell you a secret. I tremble with fear and I PRAY it won’t come back. Please, just leave me alone! It is a disease that I don’t like to fight.

We simply cannot live in fear when not in a depression. Because living with that fear – waiting for the other shoe to drop – that is just one more thing! Depression is robbing us yet again.

That doesn’t seem fair, does it? Even when we are fine, it’s still there, nipping at our ankles!

So while I keep one eye to the sky, I try to let go. One of my favorite sayings…Let go and let God. That’s my comfort. But everyone is different. Everyone has a different comfort.

Whatever your comfort is, shower yourself in it.. You deserve it. Then, let’s you and I, go kick some gremlin _____.

photo credit: JMazzolaa

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    Last reviewed: 23 Jan 2012