Archives for May, 2010
It seems that lately, much has been written and talked about regarding an upside to depression and the gifts received from it. And while some of it infuriates me or at a minimum, makes me roll my eyes, I cannot deny there is some morsel of truth to it. Of course these gifts can only be seen in hindsight. Isn’t it ironic that our eyes are on the front of our heads when we are able to see so much more clearly from behind? Depression has a way of forcing your perspective to shift and cultivating your spirituality. It has a way of closing the gap between me and my God.
I got tired of sitting in my dark living room – overstuffed, comfortable sofa or not, I grew weary of the weight, struggling underneath it’s mass, all by myself in the dark (besides, the dog couldn’t figure out where his toys or water bowl were). Depression demands the absolute undeniable need to alone – to isolate yourself. This is one heck of a force to be reckoned with. People who you adore – their phone calls go unanswered much less get returned. Meetings, shopping, errands; none of them happen because it involves leaving the dark. It involves interaction. My darkness is a double edged sword. It is safe here, existing in the shadows of life. It is my anchor but anchors can hold you down and hold you safe or they can hold you back, keep you from moving and any movement is a good thing for depression (thank you p.w.).
The older I get, the less likely I am to welcome my birthday with open arms. Ugh. Despite my protests, it seems there are more and more of them and they keep coming closer together. Everybody remembers the celebrations of their youth. My birthday’s coming! My birthday’s coming!! Some of my memories include a Barbie doll birthday cake, an office chock so full of balloons you had to part them with your hands to get to the desk and opting for the beach rather than work and then trying to explain a sunburn the next day. These are awesome memories because they all involve my family in one way or another. Anyone who lives far away from their family will attest to how lonely it can be at times, particularly when you have something significant to share like a birthday or work promotion.
My TV stays on channel 47, 24/7. I am getting out my credit card. You see I must have those felted hangers in “Pale Romance,” a muted pink color and if I don’t hurry, I’ll miss out and have to go on a wait list! This after having purchased an almost leather-like, accordion style wallet that has 22 slots for my credit cards, none of which have even so much as a nickel in available credit. And before that? I had to have multiple pieces of Jackie O inspired jewelry. Little do any of my loved ones know, I am a closet home shopper.
Earlier in the week I wrote about being in Perimenopause. This is part 2. My life hasn’t returned to normal (what is that anyway?) quite yet – I haven't had enough time on the patch apparently because I found myself snapping at the grocery check-out clerk “did you forget to say thank you?” I will not be awarded shopper of the month. In an effort to educate myself, I’ve googled the subject at hand and have been served up a delightful list of 35 common menopause symptoms. Some of which are:
Hi, my name is Leslie and I am perimenopausal. A day in my life goes a little like this: 5:30 AM: Rise from bed after having two, 3 hour naps with an hour in between. 5:31 AM – 9:29 PM: Weep, fine, cry, yell, lethargic, rage, hot flash, fine, weep, lose focus, laugh, weep, fine, weep, no energy, hot flash, weep, yell and lose my keys, repeat. 9:30 PM: Call it a night. My prospects of an autobiography don’t look too promising but there you go.