If I had a dollar for every time I wished I did not suffer from depression… If each of you who suffer had a dollar for every time you wished you did not struggle with the day to day trials of a mental illness. Now, if each of you would kindly give that dollar to me, I could live the rest of my life quite comfortably on some island that begins with “Saint”. You know, like the Corona commercial…2 palm trees, 1 hammock, no depression. Right.

It has only been the last few years that I have become aware of my bipolar diagnosis. Prior to that, I only knew I had depression much of the time and even then, that was my “normal.” That was my “how it’s supposed to be.”

I am often not sure if the knowledge of bipolar has helped or hurt me because it’s one more thing in my wheelbarrow I wish wasn’t there. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I use the wheelbarrow analogy because of what I feel like when I’m really using one. It’s cumbersome, hard to balance, teetering on just 1 wheel and it hurts. It hurts my hands. It hurts my back. And the knowledge hurts my heart.

Oh and just one more thing; it’s likely I will be pushing and navigating my wheelbarrow  around flower beds for the rest of my life. That’s a thought I don’t love.

Wishing to be a person who does not have depression is harmful to me. It’s a set up. It’s hot dogs, pizza and candy for my demons who feed on that kind of stuff.  It’s a cattle call for the negative tapes to be played. This I know.

I also know I’m never going to wrap my arms around my illness and embrace it; welcoming it in like an old familiar house guest.  So,  I’ve decided to try practicing more realistic wishing.  Wishing that feeds my soul and spirit.

I wish for the arrival of new and better treatments down the line.  That’s a doable wish for me.

I wish that one day, I might be able to somehow help those courageous heroes out there who  find a way to rise each morning and show up for life, even when depression tells them the opposite.

And I also wish that mental illness continues to find its “outside voice” so  that these magnificent mothers, sons, sisters, brothers, fathers, daughters and friends come out of the shadows and find they can have the life they deserve.

Those are a couple of my more realistic wishes. Do you have any?

Grab a dandelion and get ready.

photo credit: lucyfrench123

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (April 17, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 17 Apr 2010